The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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98: Pepto Bismalt

January 26, 2016 at 6:15PM • 59 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about medicine food, making real life porn, and Darren returns to help Beowulf embrace a newfound passion. Want to ask a question on the show? Visit

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard comes on Rocco and Erica is mistaken for a lesbian.

This Week's Questions:

  • Dahv (39/SM) asks, "Dear Coworkers, I'm about to turn forty (straight male here) and I suffer daily from severe stomach pain, like a punch to the gut for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sometimes a midnight snack. Pepto Bismol is my potion but you've tasted it before? It's not good. I thought what about a recipe to make a shake or a—pun intended—Pepto Bismalt! Hehehe. Have you experimented with medicine meals before? I thought maybe you have. If a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, perhaps a scoop full of ice cream will make Pepto Bismol more palatable. What do you think?"
  • Mathæyós asks, "First of all, my name isn’t made up. My Latin teacher (Magister) gave it to me in 10th grade when we had to chose Latin names for the class. Everyone in the school called me that, because I called the other students by their Latin names outside of class. It’s much easier and takes less time to say than my real name (Dachis knows it), and I don’t get the ‘(paused) That’s…quite a name.” when I introduce myself to people. I’ll send a second email with the audio file on how to pronounce it. Continuity and hand off isn’t working on my Mac or iPhone, because fuck me apparently. As for the awkward story (and feel free to omit this, because I’m not actually sure if it’s an awkward story or just a blunder years story. In the 1990s—I was …10? 12? Around that age—we were in La Jolla, CA for some medical stuff and decided to go to Arizona to visit the Navajo reservation and see my aunt’s relatives. After that, we decided to go to Mexico for lunch. This was the 1990s, were you didn’t need a passport (as far as I know) and the border was very easy to get through. So we drive down and go through the border. The border guard says ‘Sir, how far East have you been?” (my Father pauses) “Uh…The ocean?” “…No, sir. In this car.” Then we park and take the most run down bus into Tijuana. Now, this was my first time in Mexico. if you’ve ever been to Tijuana, you will understand why, as a small child, I had the impression that the entirety of Mexico was one giant flee market. The main street is lined with tourist shops, there are Asian tourists (because of course there are) smiling with sombreros that are emblazoned with the word ‘SEX” in all capital letters (I had no idea what that was—I was an extremely sheltered child and this was back when dial up as still a thing and AOL had a separate kids’ area). So we go into a restaurant. It’s completely deserted. We order, and eat our meal and leave…years later I found out that when we got back to the hotel, the news had a story that there was a HUGE drug sting in that restaurant. I didn’t find this out until around 10th grade via over hearing my Father on the phone with one of his buddies. We also stopped by one of the many stalls to get me a sombrero and some maracas. My head was so big that they had to give me the biggest sombrero they had. It was velvet and had neon decorations, glitter, and basically looked like the most touristy thing you could buy. So we’re in the border patrol building to get back to our car. The officer is supposed to ask you a bunch of questions. Paused here to google ‘Cystinosis children’. Take a moment to look at the pictures. The pale, blonde hair, blue eyed pictures. I’ll wait. I’m in a sombrero, holding maracas. And I look like that. The guy just looks at us and just says, ‘Just go.’ The end."
  • Beowulf asks, "Dear Awkward Pen Pals, Thank you for your continued assistance in my dilemmas. I followed your advice and thankfully did not find it necessary to rape the Grecian youth. I informed my brothers of my concerns and they confronted him with me. We spoke to his mother who called me a goat but otherwise understood the punishment was deserved for her son. She promised the monistary his indescretions would be handled accordingly. I am so very relieved. I have now, however, found myself in another, third and fourth complicated dilemma as a result of this action. You have been kind enough to assist me without much judgment from which I find myself grateful. Despite your general demeanor you have approached my queries with grace and dignity. I know we often do not think alike but my life has vastly improved since the day I first wrote you and I believe our continued correspondance my someday lead to my salvation. With that, I present you with my latest concerns. The youth’s mother and I have entered into a relationship. While at first traumatic she found my conern genuine and beautiful. I am not to be engaged in a relationship of any sexual nature but I find her riveting and I have never truly felt love in my life before now. Perhaps this lustful body betrays me but I believe God has smiled upon me and has asked me to pursue this woman with all the fervor my bones can muster. She is anticipating 40 but has the life of her son. We have conducted this relationship in secret, of course, as it must be kept private so long as I remain in the monestary. My time there may end soon, but I have yet to fully consort with my emotions and logical processing to understand the course of action best suited for my future. In this I sincerely hope you can lend you assistance. At first I was struck by the concern that her son would find the truth and my concern was true. He does know of the sexual consultation between his mother and myself. We both know he sometimes watches as I make love to her patterned flesh. She prefers not to call me by my given name, for which you know I have chosen to replace with the pseudonym of Beowulf, but instead many colorful choices both generic and utterly specific. Perhaps my imagination fosters the passion in itself, but I find it highly erotic. I am a changed man. Her son has addressed me with some names and so we know he is keen to our behavior. I would worry myself as I often do, however I know he will keep my secret because I now have the ethical dilemma of keeping his. One of my brothers of the monestary has taken advantage of the truth I brought to light. While I kindly refused to rape the youth born from the womb of my now true passion, one of my brothers chose to take my place in this torrid act. Blackmail was of no necessity. I believe he saw opportunity and took it like so many men before him. I have seen him conduct this ‘rape’ throughout their farm. Several unwitting implements have been used, and I know due to my concerns of the youth’s cleanliness in his anus. I have found many a zucchini smeared in feces, among other objects I fear my have punctured his interior. I have noticed no blood, so his safety seems assured but as these acts progress I worry for his safety. He is not my son, but his mother is my passion and I know the power of that passion. It has made me care for him despite his indescretions, as God desires of me and all his children, and I know the power of such passion as his mother has granted me such knowledge. My question is as follows: what responsibility do I have as his surrogate father in the shadows? Must I come forward again and endanger the one relationship that has shown the light of love upon me? I conjecture that God may continue to test me. Please reflect on this and offer me a solution. I will follow your word like truth, as you have shown me the way to such happiness for which I am forever grateful."
  • Dina (23/SF) asks, "So get this: my boyfriend's cum smells like body spray. I dunno if it Axe but maybe. He wears the spray so I know he's doing it to himself but his dick don't smell like spray but the cum does. What's up with that? You know? It taste like cum so that's alright except I just get the smells all the time. I don't like those smells. You got anything I can tell him to make it stop smelling like sprays?"
  • Julian (29/GM) asks, "Let's say for example that I want to fuck the grocery delivery guy who brings groceries to my office every week. How would one achieve this goal? Let's assume that though he's *probably* not gay, it could happen! You gotta believe! Also, let's say that even though he doesn't demonstrate an interest in fucking me, he's VERY outgoing and I think is the kind of guy that could go there with some coercion. By coercion I don't mean the rape kind, but the appropriate and completely consensual kind. What I want is for him to bend me over and take me however he wants. I bet he has a big ass cock and I want it in my ass my mouth or wherever else he sees fit to put it. I don't know how this scenario plays out in reality is the problem. I know in porn this happens, but my life isn't porn (yet). I need to figure out how to turn this real life scenario into a porn scenario so I can have my ass filled with his babies."

Special Segment: Nah!

Final Thoughts: Matthyóus (the Song).