The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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53: Uber: the New Meal on Wheels

March 17, 2015 at 2:00PM • 1 hour 10 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about a crazy phone girlfriend, a gay boyfriend, and the woman who'd fuck them all. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard tells us about his unusual coworker, "Sugar."

This Week's Questions:

  • Jon (24/GM) asks, "Hey so you said that you were interested in an update. So here it is. I did cut off sex with David after I sent the initial email. I also went and got tested. I asked her to test for literally everything. I was clean, thank you baby Jesus. Then we had a talk. I told him I don’t want to renew our lease or find a new place together. He asked why and I simply said it’s just not the best scenario for me and that I felt like it would be beneficial for us both not to. I tried not to be to harsh and say that I think he’s a huge slut that cheats on his boyfriend constantly and I think he’s fucked in the head. Figured lets just not go there. Surprisingly it wasn’t awkward for a couple of days. That is until he found out who I was going to live with. He asked so I told him my best friend at work, Ross and his roommate. Ross and David hate each other. Ross hates David just because of who he is as a person and how he’s treated me. I basically told him he’s got to get over it. And here is why I thought I should really update you guys. Last night we were hanging out and got on the topic of college and guys. Come to find out he cheated on me with another ex when we were dating. I’m not surprised so therefore not mad. He also had been sexting the same ex that day (he showed me) and then said he plans on visiting him this summer. Yikes. He then described a scenario when he let an uber driver eat his ass one night. More yikes. Andddddd that he tested positive for Ghonorrhea (sp) the other day, told his boyfriend, and his boyfriend (Jim) and he kind of shrugged it off. Sorry for such a long email but figured I would let you know what all has happened. Thank God for subleasers."
  • Andrew asks, "I wanted to share this article. Last year I had a question asking if a Fitbit would track your masturbation, and sadly it didn't. But now it looks like my dream is coming true. (Link)"
  • Sam asks, "Hey! I love listening to Awkward Human, but I’ve gone through all the back catalogue and have nothing left to listen to. I heard you mention your old podcast, Grandma’s Email Address, but it seems that every download link on that site links to a terminated SoundCloud account. Is there anyway I can access these old podcasts or are they forever gone?"
  • David (25/SM) asks, "My mother set me up on a blind date and I agreed to go after a long, protracted argument. I gave in because what's the worst that can happen, but also that I have to live with her now because I'm saving up money to move out and live on my own. I am 25 and I get that most kids leave ASAP, but my mother has bad arthritis and I can help take care of her (my dad died of a heart attack when I was 16—he was a lot older than her, and still is I guess—so she's got nobody else) and I want to have a lot of savings for when I move out so I never have to worry about money and can take care of my mother if things get worse. So I have some reasons to stay (free rent, semi-disabled mother) and I think this is a good, practical approach anyway. Here's the problem I have with the blind date. My mother goes to a deli in town to get meats and things, and there is a Russian woman who makes a delicious relish that she buys every week (and tries to convince to give her the recipe). This woman has a daughter, Valeriya. I mention her name because every time I hear it I think of diarrhea because it sounds similar. I know this is bad and kind of racist but it's like a song stuck in my head. It's not on purpose. My mother doesn't know what Valeriya looks like but we both know her mother is fat and has skin like a poorly maintained highway. I am only good looking, not great looking, and I am not vain, but I assume I will not be attracted to Valeriya. I am also suspicious my mother is setting us up in hopes of getting her mother's recipe for relish. I know this isn't the whole reason because she's on my ass about finding a woman and getting married all the time, but I think it is part of it. I told her this and she says I'm crazy (well, meshuggina, but I don't want to assume you know Yiddish). I will probably never know the reasons, and maybe I will like Valeriya and get over the name problem (any suggestions on that by the way?), but what I don't know what to do is with her looks. What if she is ugly? My mother says her mother says she's beautiful, but what else would she say? I just feel like if I am not attracted to her it is going to be awkward because it isn't her fault and then the mothers might be upset. I just don't know how to handle this without causing a rift between them, assuming it doesn't go well (which is the most common outcome in any dating situation). If it goes well then I'm fine, but if not I am in trouble. What do you suggest I do?"
  • Dillon (Live call, in summary) asks, "I started phone-dating this girl who ended up being kind of crazy and I'm not sure what to do about her now."
  • J (SM) asks, "Hi everybody, I’m a new listener. I’m a college guy for relevance. My close friend is a girl. Last summer she went abroad to Europe. She ended up meeting up with a guy she knew from school and had feelings for in Barcelona, Spain. A night on the beach and confessing that they loved each other made it seem a relationship was going to happen. They lived in seperate states during the summer yet it seemed like they would have a relationship. At the start of the school year he then came out to her as being bisexual. She came to me as a friend who was very confused. I assured her that she should try to move on and find someone else. After spending the whole last semester from Sept-Dec getting over him yet still being close friends, she and him last month were making cookies and such. Five minutes before she needed to leave he had her sit down and told her he wanted a relationship with her. She was concerned with him leading her on. They are now a couple though she’s still cautious because of his past history. Was it too soon? Should I say something? What if I’m convinced he’s gay? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Update: You are correct that I think he’s gay yet unsure or pretending to be straight. As a side note my dad infamously dated a girl in high school who then afterwords came out as a lesbian. It sounds shitty but I think he’s gay because of his Facebook profile pics. He looks like a tan California gay twink. If I were gay I’d suppose I’d fuck him. To my knowledge they haven’t had sex yet. I would still imagine they’ve at least seen each other naked at some point in the two months of the relationship. Hopefully I will meet the guy in person sometime soon. I am close enough friends with her that after a drink and some prodding I could get her to discuss her sex life I suppose."
  • Anonymous asks, "Greetings fellow awkward humans, coworkers of the world. I’ve wanted to ask this question for a while, but have been very busy. I’m one of those people that are always looking for approval from people, always trying to help, and it often results in me overextending myself. Sometimes, approval or acceptance just isn’t possible with some people. I know you aren’t therapists, but as a part of discussion I’m wondering if you have any tips/tricks on overcoming this non-stop strive for acceptance? For example, I’ve recently learned that some people find me to be untrustworthy simply based on my dietary choices. This bothers me at a deep level, and although I do tell myself that this is their problem, not mine, I have difficulties dealing with this internally. Hoping you can provide some advice/suggestions/discussion here. Thanks."
  • Caroline (24/F) asks, "My friend Xaranda says she's 'loud and proud' and 'large and in charge.' She has a lot of personality. I love her, but sometimes she is crazy. She drinks like almost every night, and more when we go out to bars and stuff. Then it starts to be a lot because she hits on everyone, even boyfriends of my/our friends. It got out of control one time because my gay friend Tommy had a bisexual boyfriend who didn't want to have anal sex with him because he didn't like doing that with a guy for some reason, so Xaranda found this out and was like 'I'll do it.' So Tommy's boyfriend cheated on him with Xaranda and it was really sad, because Tommy likes anal sex and is a big bottom and his boyfriend fucked a girl. He's better now, but you get it. She can do annoying things. So pretty much how can I tell her nicely that she's being annoying to everybody?"

Special Segment: Too many questions this week, but we've got a lot of interviews coming soon!

Final Thoughts: Darren gets a strange text message from his Grandmother.

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