The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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29: The Funeral Pearl

October 1, 2014 at 11:15AM • 1 hour 3 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week on the podcast we're talking about a woman who hates that she loves it in the butt, a nosy son, and semen-soaked bed sheets.

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Awkward Situation of the Week: Mikey writes, "So I just listened to the latest episode, and I just want to say that I appreciate you, Darren! I love your sense of humor, and angle on things. I listen to AHS on my long, boring commutes to work, and while I may not always agree with you, you never fail to make me laugh! And I just wanted to say thank you. That said I don't understand where people get off sending in all the hate mail about you. I would never look at someones creative outlet and go "I don't like that! now let me tell them how to modify it too my liking!" I listen to a lot of podcasts. And when I decide I don't like one, or someone on it - I unsubscribe (not to advocate unsub'ing, but I think you get my point). I don't whine about it. Darren, Stay Dirty! Aloha." Joel writes after listening to the Aloha episode, "Hilarious. I stand by my prior iTunes review." (Editorial note: Joel's iTunes review is very positive.)

This Week's Questions:

  • Juli asks, "My boyfriend's comforter reeks of semen. I've done all but ask him why. I don't care if he masturbates 10 times a day all over the darn thing, but if I'm going to sleep at his house it must not smell like cum. I've offered to do the laundry when I'm there. I've asked him if he smells anything weird and he says no, but I tell him I do and I think it's coming from the bed. Do I need to be more direct and just say your sheets reek of semen or is there a more tactful approach available? EXTRA INFO: Juli has looked at her boyfriend's browser history and there are no weird fetishes popping up. He has 'normal, semi-degrading porn' and nothing strange. She does not think this is a fetish, but rather a lazy guy problem with an embarrassment factor."
  • Jacquelyn asks, "I recently went on a first date with this guy from OKCupid who we'll call Dan and Dan seemed nice and everything until we both had a little too much to drink and he asked me about sexual things. Like, if I was into anything 'interesting', which I think meant weird or perverted to him. I told him I like really light bondage where I tie my guy up and ride him how I want to and tickle him or drip a candle on his chest. Not like a dom-sub thing but just a little. And Dan was kind of cool with this but I don't think it was his thing, which I felt stupid for saying on the first date but that's not really the problem. So after that I was like, what do you like that's weird and he told me he's super into anal. Like I know all guys are into that in the 21st century but it got kind of weird. I told him I had anal a few times and didn't really enjoy it and he said that's because I didn't do it right and secretly all girls love it in ass. That they just have to have the right dick, which was apparently his. I mean I think that was the subtext. So anyway, I just kind of passed that over and we moved on. For some reason I went home with him that night and I let him fuck me in the ass and I actually really did like it. He wants to go on more dates, but now I'm kind of angry at him. Because he's cocky and was like you are going to like this like all girls and you're going to do what I say. I just feel a little used and demeaned, if that makes sense? So I don't know if I should see him again or not. Like he was right but I also hate him for it and I'm really uncomfortable. I don't know how to handle this so I've been ignoring his texts for a couple of days. I'm gonna respond to him and just try to postpone until you have some advice for me."
  • Garret asks, "I am in a really awkward situation with my parents. I am 80% sure my mom is a sex addict and sleeping with random men all across town and my dad is in denial. We live in a small town in Wisconsin so lots of people gossip and it's really easy to know what people are up to, and they are not very sex-positive so it is embarrassing for my family. I see my mom with other guys and she's very flirtatious. I see what others are talking about, so I told my dad of my suspicions and he said that nothing is happening. He doesn't believe the rumours that my mom is cheating on him. But I'm concerned for his mental and physical safety, so how can I get him to find out? Should I hire someone to tail my mom? She doesn't know I know yet but I don't want her to because she might get mad at me. I just don't want people talking about them like this and I don't want my dad to get hurt when he did nothing wrong."
  • Ashley asks, "I don't know how to find the gratification and closure I am looking for with being vindictive and seeking revenge. He has lied to me, cheated on me, told me 'I’m not his girlfriend' and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. But as soon as I am so hurt that I tell him to kick rocks, he meets some chick at a bar and all of the sudden, he’s in love and in a relationship. I am BITTER. I don’t understand and I am definitely taking it personally. Any suggestions on how to get over it without this evil feeling???? Please help! MORE DETAILS: I was with him for 2 years. He flew me to San Diego to meet his family. He BEGGED me for a relationship until I gave in and then we were “just friends” who had sex 4 nights a week. He didn’t necessarily lead me to believe we were something different. But how long are you supposed to have casual sex and be okay with it? 2 years was my limit. Then, the next chick he met (in a bar) he’s in love with and is in a relationship and took her around me previous business colleagues. I was mortified and embarrassed. He’s lying to her up and down. If I were an “8”, she’s a “6” and my pride really struggled with that. I’m wonderful. We had one of the best relationships that I have ever been in regarding balance and personal boundaries. Especially sex. It’s not easy to find someone that you can be with that fulfills you sexually and fits your lifestyle/personality. I have 2 kids and they scare him, which I understand. But I never asked him to be anything but nice to them. I dont deserve his actions. The new girl doesn’t deserve his actions and his lies. I feel awful. Please help me escape this feeling. Obviously, he’s a major douchebag. "

Special Segment: Our first live-recorded advice call!

Final Thoughts: The truth about breastfeeding on a plane, courtesy of @Stiggeh: "Breastfeeding on a plane helps the baby during landing/takeoff/flying. Suckling helps their ears pop."