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The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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26: Aloha

September 9, 2014 at 12:45PM • 1 hour 6 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week on the podcast, we're talking about ticklish anuses, a possessive girlfriend, and empowered single ladies.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Joel has a problem with Darren.

This Week's Questions:

  • Brendan asks, "So I can't tell if I'm a little crazy or if this is a legitimate first date deal breaker. I'm into this girl who posts a lot of quotes about being single on her social media profiles. My initial thought was that people that post quotes about being single are emotionally hurt and need to put it out there for empathy from their friends. Like they're saying, 'I'm not happy as a single woman and I'm gonna fake empowerment so I get likes.' She seems fine other than that. This is just a pet peeve and I think I'm being a dumbass. But at the same time, what if she's obnoxious on the date? If I go, how do I handle her 'I don't need a man' attitude?"
  • Nelson asks, "Hey Awkward Humans. I am an Awkward Man who needs to know what's the best way for me to break up with my girlfriend without hurting her? I'm 20 year old straight man. She's an 18 year old mostly straight girl. We've been together since my Junior year of high school (she was a Freshman). She was way, way better then. I was her first, so she fell in love with me real fast but I did after anyway so it was all good. She's been needy but I like needy girls. I'm not proud but it makes me feel important. I'm not some hot macho bodybuilder guy. I've got a tummy. I'm okay to look at. I don't have some shit body image, just being realistic. She's really cute, and I was really lucky to get her. Sex is great when we have it. She open to anything, and always has been. She's seriously almost perfect. Except for one thing. So I'm in college. I don't mind the long distance, but I hate the phone calls and texting. I know that sounds really dumb but it isn't. We have set times to talk every day. Like three times a day. The texting is out of control. She texts me during class. She always wants to know what I'm doing like she doesn't trust me. I tell her I'm in class and she asks what class. If I don't respond right away she freaks out. If I don't answer her calls at the set times she freaks out. I just get like 50 messages. She wasn't like this before I left but she doesn't trust me or something. I've never cheated on her and I'd never do that. She'd murder me in my sleep if I did anyway, hehe. I talk to her about it all the time. I tell her it needs to stop and she needs to trust me. She says she'll stop and then she does for a day but it starts up again. If I don't answer the messages still happen. I almost through my phone during class it was stressing me out so much. There's nothing I can do. I swear to god I have tried every idea I could think of and my friends could think of. I keep tell her I need space and If I even get close to breaking it off with her she tells me she can't live without me. I can't sleep I'm so uncomfortable. I swear she's a really wonderful girl but college just turned her into this possessive crazy person. When I visit her it's fine. When I'm gone she goes crazy again. So we have to break up, for sure, but I don't want to hurt her more than I have to. Obviously she's not going to do well with the news, so what's the best way to handle this?"
  • Nathan asks, "I'm a gay guy, 22, and live in New York City. I am dating an older man who is about 12 years older than me who loves eating my ass. It's not like I have a problem with the idea of it but it causes some issues. First, I have to make sure I'm super clean down there all the time. I could just be really paranoid but when we're having sex I'm nervous there's leftover BM and he'll taste it. I just started my first real job. I love it, and I put in a lot of hours. After a hard day of work I don't want to spend 20 minutes extra in the shower scrubbing my asshole. But there's a bigger problem. Because I'm always cleaning it up, it has gotten really sensitive. Maybe it's the soap or the scrubbing or both, but now it tickles when he eats my butt. I try really hard not to laugh but I do sometimes and he gets really, really pissed off. He says if I trusted him I wouldn't laugh because you're not ticklish if you trust the person. Like I can control it or something. So I put that tooth numbing stuff on my asshole so I just didn't feel anything and I thought it would absorb but it didn't and his tongue got numb. So then we had a big argument about that. Long story short, I just don't want him to eat my butt anymore because it's causing so many problems in our relationship. But to him it's a dealbreaker if he can't eat my butt I think because obviously he needs to do it all the fucking time. It seems like this is a bad sign after three months, but I'm just telling you the bad stuff. We're doing well otherwise. What should I do?"

Special Segment: Interview with Joan Price author of Naked at Our Age and Better Than I Ever Expected.

Final Thoughts: An update from Andrew on the racist douchebag: "Hey it's Andrew again. I was finally able to listen to the latest episode, thanks for fitting me in. Well I finally answered his call and said politely that I just didn't want the job. Then, thanks to CyanogenMod I just blocked his number. And yes, I am in a more friendly/nonprofessional relationship (platonic, of course) with my boss, so she was just looking out for me in regards to extra work. I also asked her to give me a heads up before she gives my number out to people, and she was fine with that."