The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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241: Whisper Torture

March 2, 2019 at 3:00PM • 54 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about whisper torture, all-you-can-eat anal, and unintended gift-giving consequences with special guest Tommy Honton!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Special guest: Tommy Honton 


Pear girl: "Hi, I just listened to pears and I enjoy hearing about both the dog shit, and trashcan story as well as the questions. :)"

CanaDan: "Hello Awkward Humans,

I hear that you’ve requested an update from CanaDan. I was also thinking it had been a while. Imagine that I started listening when I was 16 or maybe younger and I’m 22 now? Can you believe?

First of all, the main point is that I LOVE the word claustrophobicized. I love it so much that I just typed C-L-A-U and it was the first suggestion on my iPhone’s autocomplete. I dislike when people are afraid to invent new words (you might say they are claustrophobicized in their choice of language), so thank you Number 4 Fan Amy (was that her name?) for de-claustrophobicizing our language.

This brings me to another important point that I was thinking about also immediately before it was mentioned: you may know me as CanaDan, the Number 1 Fan, which is a cute rhyme so okay work. But also, I shan’t be the Number 1 Fan just because I have always been called that. If someone else is fanning more than me, they are now the number one fan! I guess it depends on how you define being a fan. Regardless, I can be not the Number 1 Fan and still love you guys simultaneously if there is someone more deserving. At the same time, I also understand your concerns regarding the communication levels of Mattheus.

A life update aside from me still being alive: I just started my first job out of school at an IUD company! When they asked if I knew what an IUD was, I was like heck yeah. So shoutout to Lindsay (IUD Girl) for spreading the knowledge.

I really wanted to leave you with a question about an awkward situation, but I honestly cannot think of one. I think years of listening to you guys has really equipped me to handle any awkward situation. Not that I love it or that it’s easy, but it’s nice to not feel stuck.

Maria: "Don't laugh but I'm allergic to whispers. I get goose pimples like some people but then in a few minutes they get harder and redder. Then it itches and sometimes it itches so much it bleeds. I try not too itch it but it's soooo uncomfortable sometimes so I just don't realize. My friends know not to do it. See the thing is I go to college so people find out obviously. This boy Todd (I hate that name it's so uncreative!) found out and does it to me all the time. I told him it hurts but he still does it. Like I think I got away from him and plugged my ears but then ends up sitting behind me somehow or something like that and it's too late. The school talked to him once already but he just says it didn't happen and they can't prove it. Now he's more careful so if I accuse him he just acts like I'm crazy!! Why's he doing this??? He knows it hurts! My friend said he probably likes me and this is what boys do when they're stupid and they like you. He's not asking me out still. I don't want to go out with him anyway. He's an asshole! Why is he doing this to me? How do I make him stop it??? I never did anything to him!!"

Harrison: "Hey so my girlfriend tricked me and I could use some help. I want to fuck her up the ass so I asked her if that's cool with her. She's like we gotta work on it so I'm like okay what do you want me to do? She's like eat my ass until I cum. So I eat her ass for a month (like over many times not like the whole month), she finally comes and then I'm like YEAH I get to fuck it but she's like no. Just shut me down and doesn't want to it now. Like she doesn't HAVE to get fucked up the ass if she doesn't want it but then why'd she go and lie to me? Now I don't want to eat any holes. It just makes me mad. Help out your bro?

I'm Harrison by the way. 29 and straight but I jerked my friend once when I was 15. ;)"

Dave: "Aloha Coworkers,

It's me Dave. So i got my girlfriend this photo shirt of us as cartoons in a heart and it's really dumb but i thought she'd be happy so i did it anyways. Yeah well i regret that now cuz she wears it like always so ppl make fun of us but she's not seeing it. So like we get coffee and she's in the shirt and someone's like "nice shirt" but it's definitely sarcastic and she is just like "thank you my boyfriend made it!" and then they laugh at us and she's like "what a nice person." It's not nice tho!! They are def making fun of her!!!! It gives me a stomach ache. I told her the obvious but she doesn't care. She loves the shirt. I can't take it back and she doesn't believe me that everybody's teasing us. My friends agree with me. I don't wanna make her made tho. What do you say to her to get her to stop or maybe wear it less?