The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

If you love the show, please help us keep making them! (This does not require a financial contribution.)


Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

234: Turd Locker II: Revenge of the Turd

January 13, 2019 at 12:00PM • 1 hour 21 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about skin snacks, racial surprises, sabrina questions, and anonymous evidence with special guests Lindsay Bring and John Bring!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Story Time: John rides a roller coaster with three teenage girls.

Special guests: John Bring Lindsay Bring 


Mathæyós: "1. Do you know or are you able to say why Aunt Hilda and Ambrose is British and Aunt Zelda seems to be American (although the actress is Australian)?

2. Have you read The Monkey's Paw? Your episode reminded me of it except the episode was better. In the story the mother makes a wish on The Monkey's Paw to bring their son back from an accident in the factory he works at.

Except it's the Monkey's Paw. So he comes back but his body is the state it was in when he died after the accident. The story closes with the son knocking on the door.

Lastly, how did you get the job?"

Ramona: "Dear Awkward Human Survival Guide Podcast,

My little girl developed a stress tick when she was 8 and her papa left us. It comes up when she thinks something is her fault and that is often. The tick is that she eats her skin flakes. I'm not talking about casual biting of the nail skin. She shaves her arm skin or foot skin or leg skin off and eats it like popped corn. I've taken her to psychiatrists and that seemed to help at first but really she lied to the psychiatrist and kept shaving her skin off and eating it. I took her to another one knows about the lies and has a reputation for difficult kids but he says she seems normal. He knows she's play-acting normal for him however and that makes it so he can't treat her.

She knows what she is doing. Her papa was the same way. He would have his bad behaviors and pretend like nothing was wrong at all. I am at my wit's end with her. It hurts me because I think she does all of this to feel closer to her papa. She is 11 now and puberty has hit. I'm afraid if I don't find a way to help her now it will get much worse with her hormones and once boys come into the picture. Oh god it's hard to think about what she might do.

The obvious approaches have failed us and I can't talk to her. I know I am grasping at straws by sending this to your program but my girl and I listen to your show together sometimes. I don't know what she will think if you answer my question. She will probably hate me but maybe she will listen to you if you tell her to stop eating her own skin.

Thank you,

Claire: "aloha coworkers! i have a major moral dilemma i'll recap quick for ya: in high school someone took a shit in my locker, i never found out who it was, it was gross but whatever, and life went on. i just graduated college a year ago and life is good when i get this anonymous letter in the mail that's a photo of Jenny Smeales with her pants down and her ass in my locker with a disturbed look on her dumb face. its old so its got to be her who took the shit. shes this rich bitch too. i remember the shit vividly and it looked as anorexic as she did but she was in ballet so i dont want to assume. anyways shes still in law school but works part time as a paralegal at a firm like four avenues over from where i work. i obviously gotta do something now that i know. i don't want to fuck the bitch up but i cant just let it go. what would you do in my shoes? also should i be worried about who sent me the photo?"

Sarah: "Hi. I just found out I'm black and I don't know what to do. I've been white my entire life but my DNA test came back and it says I'm about 60% black. I asked my mom and she said the test is wrong so I did the test on her and my grandma and they're both black also. Like it's okay that we're black obviously but how did nobody know? I feel like there is so much about me I don't know now. My dad died of a stroke last year so I can't ask him about it but it sounds like my great grandpa or grandma might have been where the DNA came from since we all have it but my grandma more and then my mom and me are basically the same. I have some of my dad's hair from an art project in kindergarten though but do you know where they do the DNA test with hair and is it a problem if it has glue on it? It's only in one spot. Also my hair isn't like black people's hair. It's straight and oily. One of my friends at school thought I was Korean except for the eyes. Like what does this mean? What do I do? I don't know how to think about it even and my family just like doesn't care. Help!"