The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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96: The First Rule of Fart Club

January 12, 2016 at 2:15AM • 1 hour 13 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about fart club, cyber monogamy, and cinnamon toast asshole. Want to ask a question on the show? Visit

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: The wheelchair car and "evidence" of parallel universes.

This Week's Questions:

  • Mathæyós asks, "PART I: Hello, Humans! Just thought I’d clear up some questions… I tried OkCupid, and I messaged people, but I didn’t get any reply. I got a lot of views, but they were just obese black women (I assume becauseI live near Philadelphia?). I’m not going to say ‘I’m not racist, but..’ (I have black friends [insert George Carlin joke about ‘Happens to be black’ here] and I, along with my Father, put on a rally—twice—to stop the KKK from coming to our area; it was called the Rally for Social Justice), but black women aren’t my type. I have a friend that says that’s horrible, but I can’t help what I’m attracted to, can I? I don’t have social anxiety, but I’m pretty sure I have Aspergers (99.99% sure). I can’t afford a formal diagnosis, because this country’s medical system. I have a formal diagnosis of NVLD (Nonverbal Learning Disability)—that diagnosis depends on the doctor. NVLD is highly similar to Aspergers, and a lot of doctor’s don’t want to tell parents (usually they get the diagnosis is in childhood) and they don’t want to tell the parents that their child is has ‘high functioning autism’ (which is what Aspergers is technically called). It’s similar to social anxiety in that Aspies are usually not very social, because they’re rejected by their peers early on (it starts in Middle school, because that’s were people start getting evil, and continues to high school—not that much of a problem in college because you’re ‘allowed’ to be weird in college). So they usually learn to stay away from social situations. I actually had a picture of me in the TARDIS using the the telephone (it is a phone box, after all) and smiling. I also had a picture of me with Elizabeth (I did not make that my first picture because I didn’t want people to think I was dating someone) and on of me with a cosplayer (they were dressed as Mr. Clever from Doctor Who: Nightmare in Silver). Sex, partying , drinking and room parties do happen at LI Who (and I’m told Gallifrey One in LA), but I’m never invited to the room parties because you have to know people. I volunteer (you get to meet people and have your autographs or pass paid for), so meeting people at the convention is’t really a problem. I met one girl two years ago that I thought was flirting with me, but I later found out that she just sort of…does that. To everyone. And she was really stand offish this year, and she didn’t send me a Christmas card (she did last year), so… I also have issues telling how old people are. There was a story about a guy who had sex with a 14 year old; she was on Tinder as 18, and she looked 18. The girl and her mother testified at court that it’s the girl’s fault, please don’t punish him. But the guy got arrested and went to court, and he ended up being a sex offender, having to move out of his house (because his little brother lived there)…he later got the charges reversed. I mean, I can usually tell, but I don’t want to end up in that situation. A lot of women look older than they are, especially when they’re young (i.e. 18 or younger). I don’t want to get to the room, have it getting hot and heavy and be like ‘Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Stop. Before we get into this, can I see some ID?’. Also, considering there is booze served at the convention (there’s a bar), I wouldn’t put it past teenagers to have fake IDs. There are a lot of girls in the WHovian fandom (thanks, David Tennant and Paul McGann!), which is a plus, but a LOT of them are young. So…yeah. I might try that day game thing… Sorry for the long email. Before I go, I have an awkward Mexico trip as well. Should I send that in? Also, my cognomen is pronounced MAH (as in the Mandarin word for horse ) THAY (as in Dalek Thay of the Cult of Skaro) ÓS (as in ‘thOSe’, I think). PART II: I don’t have a problem getting coffee, but the only coffee shop in town is Dunkin’ Donuts (which is relatively close to me). I’m kind of hesitant about going into a Philly just to get coffee, but I will if I’m really attracted to the person. Also, I’ve heard from the guys on Tested that Dragon Con apparently smells. I guess the stereotype of otaku (and furries?) not bathing at cons is correct? Whovians certainly take the time to bathe, especially at conventions. I didn’t notice a smell in the elevator or anything when I was at the convention. I have been to an anime convention twice, all in high school. The first one I went to I made the mistake of going by myself. The first thing I saw was the a bunch of men dresses as entire squad of Sailor Scouts (from Sailor Moon), complete with extremely short skirts and unshaved legs. So…yeah. I’m a fan of anime and Vocaloids (look up Rollin’ Girl or Luka Luka Night Fever on live on Youtube—holograms with fan made music. No really, look it up, if not for the music but just to see what a concert is like), but not THAT kind of fan. Yes, I went to Miku Expo ’14 but I did not cosplay. Not that you asked, just thought I’d mention it. Heh. PART III: I should clarify that I was elementary school aged or earlier when I was diagnosed. I distinctly remember the room and the tests. PART IV: I DO have friends at the con, but none of them have room parties."
  • Sarah (37/F) asks, "I can't even understand this. I love my dog. She is an 11 year old little chihuahua. She likes to burrough in the couch. I don't know why she does this but it's adorable. Two weeks ago she was in there and I didn't know and I sat on the couch. She whelped and I felt so bad. I wasn't thinking. I was back from work and tired and just wanted to sit down and wasn't thinking. But she's fine. Nothing happened. Of course I'm talking to my neighbor when I'm on a walk and she asks all about the dog. She loves dogs. I did not know she was an animal rights activist until recently, G-d help me. I told her how I accidentally sat on my dog and she reported me for animal abuse. I do not abuse my dog. I love my dog. It was a dang accident. What do I do about this woman? She's trying to get my dog taken away! I don't think it'll work but I have to live next to her. I own my house because it's been in the family for generations. I'm not moving. Nope. What can I do about her? She'll never stop. I can see it in her eyes. Help, please!"
  • Ella (30/SF) asks, "I've been single for a while, and at periods when I can't find anyone want to sleep with I discovered that cyber sex is a pretty good improvement for masturbation- it's still as useful, but on the fantasy level it's nice to have a conversation with someone that responds and can help build up the tension- and release it. on occasion I also talk with people on skype- no vid, but hearing a person's voice makes it feel much more real and intimate. so far so good, and I even have 2-3 guys that I know I like talking to when we are online at the same time and for the same reasons. I try no to hook up on anyone, not to become emotionally attached, and definitely not about to meet any of these guys. Now the plot thickens: recently met someone. we only dated 3 times, and I haven't slept with him yet (I thought I would by now, but it just didn't work out schedule-wise, kinda). he seems very into me, and I like him in a way I haven't really felt lately. but I am still a horny person! am I supposed to not cyber with people because of this guy? does it matter if I cyber with someone I know already or someone new? would you think it's a different matter if I was talking about hooking up with someone in real life? I wouldn't sleep with anyone else at the moment, but can't decide if cyber is as legitimate as other forms of masturbation, or a bit cheat-y because it involves another person. tell me what you think love the podcast, have a great new year"
  • Anonymous (GM) asks, "Hi humans. Please do tell if you've heard of this before. My boyfriend's asshole tastes like cinnamon toast crunch. Hooplah! But he claims it's natural and he doesn't do anything to make it that way and I DO NOT believe him. Is this possible to have a naturally sweet hole or is he fucking with me?"
  • Gene (21/GM) asks, "So I found out my boyfriend is part of Fart Club. The first rule of Fart Club is obviously that you don't talk about it but I'm not a member so fuck the rules.. I think my boy found out about this on Reddit or one of those. They do things like fart in weird places to make people feel awkward, like during a sermon at church, and then tell each other about it. It's a competition to see who can have the most ridiculous fart. I don't have a question. I just thought of you guys instantly when I figured this out."
  • Seth (20/SM) asks, "Hey coworkers. 20 and a straight dude here since you like to know. Basically my mom is retarded. It's been a weird life because of it. My dad is not retarded or anything. My mom became retarded do to an 'accident' where she pissed off a contractor who was doing the garden and he hit her with a shovel. Then he ran away and the police caught him but she got brain damage from it all. Anyway, we have to pitch in with her because she's prone to bouts of anger and crazy behavior. Now that I'm at college far far away I have more responsibility for her in the summer and on breaks. Over winter break I found out she's been eating toilet paper and we think it's unused but we're not 100 percent about it. We've talked to her therapist but she is honestly not sure what to do. I don't expect you to know what to do with a retarded toilet paper eating middle aged woman but you've had decent advice for stranger situations so I thought what's there to lose."

Special Segment: Chill out y'all!

Final Thoughts: Adam and his sister Ali perform Lucky Magic Time.

Related Links:

  • The RollScout™: RollScout™ is a beautiful, network enabled toilet paper holder, which ensures that you and your guests are never stuck without a roll.