The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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95: Ass Candy

January 5, 2016 at 2:30AM • 1 hour 47 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about butt plugs, eating in the shower, and the power of true erotic fiction. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Erica tries to leave Mexico without her custom forms, Richard is almost tricked into pooping in a hole in the woods, Will falls asleep in a hammock in a blizzard, Liz has a lesbian rave moment, and Adam has a conversation with a girl thinking she's a different person.

This Week's Questions:

  • Andrew asks, "Since you guys mentioned it I thought I'd share my New Year's resolution for 2016. I hope to complete at least a third of these: My New Year's Resolution 2016 1. Find out why whips are smart and buttons are cute. 2. Make a joke about how saying exergasia, synathroesmus, and incrementum together in a list is meta. 3. Draw a picture of the grim reaper holding his scythe, with the blade shaped like Florida. 4. Get an image of a camera lens, photoshop it onto a person's forehead and call it their third eye. 5. Start a band called "The Band" and name your first album "Album". 6. Map the most efficient route through the Milky Way Galaxy (Galactic Positioning System?) 7. Count to aleph-nought. 8. Design a 3D beach 9. Tell a robot the joke about 22112. 10. Try to recover that neurovirus you created and then promptly misplaced. 11. Get a neodymium finger implant. 12. Ask the scientific community if artificial wormholes can be called aHoles for short. 13. Get a QR code tattoo. 14. Bungee jump from a floating platform in Saturn's atmosphere 15. Link URL to song New Model #15 16. Taste magic to find out why it's considered "delicious." 17. Create a new system of gardening: growing/implanting a terrarium in your arm (or other body parts). 18. Find out what happened to Father Nature. Messy divorce?"
  • Mathæyós asks, "Hello, Humans! I just thought I’d give you an update on my little hook up experiment. I downloaded Hinge, Skout, Down (Bang with Friends), Pure, Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel. Hinge was a dud, as was Skout (a sort of modern day Myspace—very weird). Down was also a dud, if only because none of my Facebook friends were on it. Pure didn’t work for me either. Coffee Meets Bagel yielded no matches. I had 9 matches when I quit Tinder. Ether they didn’t respond, or they did respond but the conversation fizzled out when they later ghosted on me. I had one girl come over, but we just cuddled and watched a movie (she’s 21 and still uses fudge to replace fuck—not my type of girl). She left her headband here and I still don’t know how to get it back to her because I really don’t want her to come over again. She made it clear that she’s going to not have sex until marriage…not my type. When I texted her about the headband, she said ‘Just keep it until I come over again’. I don’t want to throw it out, because it’s not mine… Interestingly enough, Elizabeth (mentioned in episode 31: Jesus and a Goat, episode 35: Bang Bus for Hire and possibly another episode where I called in—I can’t find the title though) came up in my stack of cards on Tinder. Of course, I immediately swiped right (after pausing for a few minutes to process this). I didn’t think she’d be on Tinder. I then texted her and said “This is weird. You came up in my stack of cards on Tinder’. She responded with 'Haha I love tindering at home because then you see who else is on!’ (she was home for the holidays). I texted back that I didn’t even know she had a Tinder, and she said ‘Yep!”. We didn’t match, but that’s not really a surprise. Basically, Tinder was failure. I give up. Maybe I’ll meet someone at a convention or something. They say you’ll find love/sex ( I assume?) when you’re not looking for it… This email is getting too long and I have 52 books to read this year, so, to quote Darren “I gotta go.'"
  • Kieran asks, "Dear coworkers, I want to buy a butt plug. Thing is, they've got all shapes and sizes. I'll start small, but then do I get a bumpy one or a smooth one? Does that base mean anything? How do you pick from all this ass candy?"
  • Charlotte (34/SF) asks, "My fiancée likes to eat in the shower. First he said for saving time. Later it was that he likes being warm when having food. When we dated he'd stay over and we'd eat breakfast and talk but after I got to know him more he'd slip into the shower instead. He tried to hide it and so I didn't notice in the beginning. He'd sneak cereal in there in a mini box so he could toss the evidence (in a manner of speaking). I found some boxes in my bathroom trash but didn't really put the clues together. But one day we're eating breakfast and I'm reading my book so the conversation wasn't a lot, so he said 'I'm gonna take this in the shower.' He was communicating his thing to me there for the first time. To be honest I didn't realize what he meant until he came back, clean, with an empty cereal bowl that was all washed. I found a Cheerio stuck on the wall later. I blame myself a little because I could have brought it up early on but I didn't. Soon every day he took breakfast in there. He would take other meals also if he had an excuse, like exercise or mowing the lawn. If he got sweaty he'd take a snack. He is healthy though. No bad food habits or anything. He just eats in the shower and it feels like he's running away from me. We don't get to talk as much and I have to eat alone a lot. We live together now so it is on my mind all the time. I told him I want to eat with him more so we can talk and he said he'd try but he's not trying. I tried to make him understand this matters to me and is important for our relationship, that he doesn't eat in the shower all the time I mean, but I don't think he wants to stop. Do you think this is about something else? I haven't got a clue honestly."
  • Anonymous (25/GM) asks, "What's the deal with older gay men always being attracted to younger gay men? When I'm at the grocery store a gay man hits on me every time. He's like 35 or older and I'm 25. Why do gay men like younger? Am I gonna want younger when I get older too?"
  • Jimmy (25/S?M) asks, "'Fuck my ass,' he said, like his words were fate. I was just a stock boy at the grocery store and he was a wiry little faggot but his words held me and took control. I had to fuck his ass, and so I took him the crates of guavas and cans of green beans and I fucked his ass good. This excerpt comes from an erotic story based on my life. I was 17 and worked at a Whole Foods so I guess this dude though I was gay enough and maybe I was. This happened eight years ago. I just turned 25 and I'm pretty sure I'm straight but I keep thinking about it. I got drunk and got a blow job from a guy and his girl friend (friend who is a girl, not sex) once in college but that's it. It was late. We were about to close and my shift was half over. I had a break and this guy like five years older than me literally walked up, put his hands on his hips, and said 'fuck my ass.' I stood there for like a minute at least and he repeated himself and so I was like okay. And we did go into the back and I had a condom but no lube so we used some soap from the break room. He said it burned but he liked it. He came in a few minutes and then told me to cum on his face so I did and he walked out of the store with cum all over him. I hid in the break room and nobody ever found out. I told some close friends in college, like years after. They all didn't think it made me gay and I didn't feel gay so it was whatever, but then a couple of days ago it was my birthday (day after Christmas, I'm a lucky bastard) and for my 'gift' my friend Carla brought me an envelope. The big ones like for sending flat documents to people so they don't get bent up. Inside was a print out of this erotic story and Carla was like, this is about you. And I read it and it was exactly what happened. So she showed it to me online and whoever wrote it had a username so I googled it and up comes tons o crap and long story short I find the guy's photo. So dude wrote a story about me fucking him and it's online everywhere. So I'm not embarrassed but inside I got turned on a little. Like it was really weird because I never had fucked anyone before and I was nervous but I guess I thought at the time that like I shouldn't pass up the opportunity. I don't know really because it was so sudden and I got hard from someone wanting me to do that I think? It's just got me thinking all about it again and I might want to email and phone him to like talk about it or something. But what if I want to do it again? It's okay if I'm bi, it's just confusing. Like I never thought about being with other guys. It just happened that once in college but otherwise it's just the 'wiry faggot' as he puts it. I know his name now but that's because I web-stalked him. I didn't even know it before. I don't really have a question but I'm just confused so if you've got some advice that's cool."

Special Segment: A discussion about bisexuality with Will and Liz

Final Thoughts: Adam performs Feeling Strange.