The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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93: Date Crepe

December 22, 2015 at 1:45PM • 1 hour 14 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about crepists, tongue techniques, and fucking the deli man. Want to ask a question on the show? Visit for many options!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Got an Awkward holiday question/story/situation/whatever? Call/send it in (here)!

Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard and Adam share their experiences with BO, elevators, and butts at GaymerX.

This Week's Questions:

  • Love asks, "Seriously why not just get it over with?"
  • Dan / Kelly (17/SM) asks, "I have an awkward situation to share. I'm a 17 year old straight male. I was doing projections for a show of we will rock you last week, I sat at the back of the stage behind the curtain with my cue reader next to me. My cue reader had a girlfriend who helped with hair and makeup for the cast and she 'visited' him often when I was trying to do my job. On one of her visits, she thought it would be fun to get me involved, so while was trying to fade out we are the champions and fade in we will rock you she kissed me and then her boyfriend (cue reader) Kissed me. To make things worse a lot of the younger cast saw all of this happening and told everyone in the 50+ cast and crew, the story soon changed to that she was blowing me while he kissed me."
  • Jordan (SF) asks, "Oh how to begin... I met my husband in college, we married after graduation, and I don't think I've ever loved him. I wanted to call it off so many times but my cousin got me to go through with it because she loves weddings I think. She wants to get married so bad she did it vicariously through me. Now I'm with this man I don't love and he loves me. Things have been mostly smooth. I still don't think I've ever felt in love with him but I trust him, he supports me, takes care of me, and is no doubt head over heels in love with me. But I'm in love with my best friend. I met him at a crepe truck (like a food truck). We flirted a lot and then he asked me out but I told him I was married. He was good about it. We started hanging out. I really, really want him. He is so intelligent. We talk about philosophy. He started a crepe truck because he loves the simplicity and focus of crepes. It gives him a zen sort of feeling, and then he can go home and read Dostoyevsky or Proust and think about life. I think that's really beautiful. I wish I could be a bigger part of his life. I never realized how much I needed this until I met him. Of course my husband doesn't know about him. He knows I love the crepe truck but I asked my friend to stay quiet about it all. I think he knows how I'm struggling with my feelings for him though we've never discussed any of it. My feelings for him have become so strong I'm starting to feel physical pain. I'm miserable every day (still am). Interacting with my husband feels like a job. I say everything he wants to hear and do my best to be there for him, but I am miserable. I truly feel like I will never be happy. I have no idea how to get over this. But I don't want to leave my marriage. We have a young daughter. My husband loves us both. This isn't fair to him, and I don't know what to do."
  • Rendell asks, "This is a really weird question but tongues are so weird and I never know what to do with mine. What do I do with my tongue when kissing?"
  • Josh (18/SM) asks, "Hey guys, so I'm a freshman at college and I've recently decided to ask a girl out on a date. She's really awesome and I hope it goes well but there's this one problem. Whenever I'm on a date I almost always run out of things to talk about. It gets very frustrating because I feel so boring when that happens. I try to rack my brain for things to talk about but I get really nervous and eventually I just end up being silent. How do I naturally keep the conversation flowing so I can make a good first impression?"
  • Rayna (26/SF) asks, "Coworkers, I want to fuck a deli man and need your help! I go in every day for lunch alone and he teases me about how alone I am. Always saying mean things like 'nobody with you again today?' and 'if you were Asian you'd be married by now' (he's Asian FYI but I don't know which one). I don't get if he is mean or flirting but I am very turned on by him. I will be his hole, seriously. He can do it all. But he knows I'm all alone and it makes me cry sometimes so I don't think I'm a very attractive girlfriend. I know you have to be confident but he makes me feel unimportant. But that turns me on. Do you see? It's very complex. He also teases me about how I eat. I get corned beef on rye with mustard and mayonnaise and he thinks it's wrong to mix mayonnaise and mustard together. I thought first he just believed that but now I think maybe he is telling me to go away and he doesn't want to mix races. Like it's a metaphor. I'm whitish. I am dirty when I eat. Food sticks to my face. He calls it 'meat face' which is funny and not hurtful but it still turns me on. I just want to be teased and fucked, okay? Can you help me make this happen please?"

Special Segment: Nothing this week! Go do Christmas or whatever.

Final Thoughts: Richard performs his rendition of Santa Baby, available for download here.

Related Links:

  • Wing Music: The web site of popular singer Wing.