The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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86: The Hunchback of Pound Town

November 1, 2015 at 7:00PM • 1 hour 15 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about contortionist sex, Erica's masterminding of the linkblog subspace, and the world's most fucked up threesome. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Erica gets roofied and breaks a hammock.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous (Update) asks, "Hey , I just wanted to say thank you for the advise I have only just listened the episode and I am glad to say after a discussion my girlfriend agreed to rim me and I loved it she also wondered the feeling and she loves it almost as much as me so that's great , we talked about pegging but she said she isn't sure and wants to work up to it i told her I understand and honestly I really didn't expect that from her to be honest.thank you for the advise I think I will be frequently asking questions as my life has gone to shit this past year well the whole of my life if interested in hearing this just send me a email :)"
  • Anonymous (Update) asks, "Hey Adam, Erica, Ricky, Darren, and others, I wanted to send you another update, I'm the one who wrote in twice before (my original question was about my boyfriend texting his coworkers using pet names). Well, another update for you, and hoping you all can give some advice, too. My ex and I talked about two weeks after I broke up with him. We talked about our relationship and he wanted to know everything he could have done better. I tried to be kind, but also wanted to be honest so we talked about it all including how sex could've been better. What it came down to was he was insecure about my own success/happiness with my career and friends, and he felt he wasn't good enough in and out of bed. His insecurity manifested in him not being a good partner, which made ME feel bad/insecure in the relationship. Since we had this conversation he won't stop texting me about how he can't stop thinking about how he could be a good lover (what happened to him being gay?? Guess he sort of lied about that too, see my previous emails). Now, it is getting out of control. I've made it clear that I'm not interested in him anymore, physically or otherwise since I don't think he can actually be the partner I want and he hasn't gained my trust back. So, here's my question, he seems to be getting pretty emotional and desperate/creepy. He's using the premise of being honest with me to rebuild trust/friendship to basically try and sext me when he's lonely (and probably drunk). How do I tell him to cut it out/stop texting me? I'm worried that he may do something rash with the sexy photos I sent him during our relationship. Is there anything I can do about that? Thanks for sticking through this whole thing and hopefully nothing crazy happens before I can listen to your answer next week. I really enjoy your show, keep up the awesome work. :) P.S. To address questions you all had with my other notes, no need to read them on the show: 1) No, I didn't catch him cheating on me. He said he was at home (I couldn't verify it) instead of at work. 2) Erica,I learned my lesson and won't snoop again."
  • Albert/Spam asks, "Hello, Erica! :) Right now, I'm trying to survive as a linklogblogger, yeah! :)) Yeah, it’s like we are competing to each other! :)) You, as a master of programmable thinking, in the best sense of the word, I have a question for you: How to create a value by publishing linklogs?"
  • Kevin (30s/BM) asks, "Okay I really need your help bad. I am so scared right now and confused about everything. Like is this really happening to me? I don't know. I'm Kevin, she's Elette, in our early 30s. I'm bisexual but into women more and she is straight 100%. We've been together for 3 years and I don't know if I can stay with her any longer. I got myself a web development job two months ago at a small boutique firm that focuses on female beauty products. I make content systems for nail polish makers mainly. My boss called once and I had him on speaker phone so afterwards Elette joked how he had a sexy voice. He sounds like a turtle, not even a ninja one, so I thought she was joking. Instead she later gets too excited to come to a work function and meet all my coworkers, but of course she spends all her time talking to my boss. Some weeks pass and she goes 'out with the girls' more often than I have ever seen her do. I don't get suspicious until I get a raise at work. Like a big one. So of course I think she's got something going on with my boss so I snoop around. Nothing on her phone or her laptop. No calls to numbers I don't know. This gets me confused obviously but I let it go and feel stupid. A week rolls away and Elette tells me she needs us to talk. She tells me she's been with my boss and lying about it. I think oh no, she cheated, but what she said really shocked me. He isn't into her but IS into me. Obviously I asked her why she said all this and she said he's lonely up at the top (of his small company!) and needs a gay friend. But I'm not gay, I'm bisexual, but she says just go out with him to dinner and help him. Elette thinks I can get more money out of him like that. You know, bonuses and raises. I feel very weird but she tells me it's a good thing even if I don't get money so I go. The 'date' is strange as hell. He has a lot to drink and makes me drink a lot, too, and then finally mans up and asks me home with him. I tell him about Elette and he says she's cool. I'm thinking how the hell does he know that but I don't? I get so uncomfortable and excuse myself to the restroom where I call Elette and ask her about what he's saying. She tells me it IS just great with her and encourages me to go with it. So I go home with him. You have to get that I am not the most attractive man, I was very drunk, and my boss is very handsome for a man in his 40s. He could get anybody but he wanted me for some reason. I was as flattered as I was nervous but he was very sweet and we had sex. It was nothing weird. He is a very tender lover but I woke up and freaked out because I just fucked my boss (well he fucked me to be honest). I awkwardly leave and then go home and we don't talk about it. My boss is very nice going forward. No more date requests but he's just very nice to me and smiles at me suddenly for no reason in a meeting and that sort of thing. Weeks go by and nothing happens so I just think this is good and I'm fine. Then I come home one night and there are romantic candles and Elette is in our bedroom watching a sex tape of ME AND MY BOSS which she explains as it is hot and she is always wanted to see this but my boss was uncomfortable with her there and she knew I'd be so they taped it. Like he got to fuck me and she got to watch but nobody cared about what I thought. This gets worse. I am so mad at them both but don't know what to do. A few days after finding this out and Elette and I stopped talking I had my yearly physical and they did STD tests. I have chlamydia AND syphilis. No HIV thank god. They gave me drugs and it should not be a big deal except that I got STDs from my boss so the obvious question is how do I tell my boss he gave me STDs when we're not talking about any of it and also the dang sex tape?? Also everything else. I feel used and manipulated a lot and I don't know where to start to fix this. Please help me!"
  • David (SM) asks, "Aloha guys! Help me out because I am absolutely terrible at reading signs that people give me. This girl in my class who I've sat next to for a while and converse with said: "Ugh this guy at my work I want to bang said that he wants to get to know me before we have sex. Why can't we just do it. I'm not looking to procreate or anything." Me: "Like, just casual sex." Her: "Yes exactly." Do you think she was hinting that she wants to have sex with me or was she just telling me this just for telling me this?"
  • Tanye (22/SF) asks, "I'm a tall girl (6'1") and like talls guys but landed a shorty. He's 5'3" and when we get down to fuck I gotta bend a lot to kiss him and all that. We get hinged on the hips but my neck lines up with his face so I gotta bend like a straw to kiss him and it hurts. I know you can't make him him taller you know but you got any way to make us fuck so I don't a hunch back?"

Special Segment: Interview with an emotional prostitute.

Final Thoughts: Darren tells the most horrible tales from the ER and we listen to Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring as performed by a drunk leprechaun.