The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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85: The Grandfather, the Early Bird, and the Horny Ghost

October 27, 2015 at 3:15PM • 1 hour 13 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the best produce for sex, shit shaming, and grandpa's thigh meat. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Lindsay finally tells the story of her mysterious, non-existent car accident.

This Week's Questions:

  • Mr. Anonymous (31/GM) asks, "So I was talking to this guy on Grindr, and he was really really cute. A beautiful twink, with a hot body and everything. He was asking what I was into, as you do, and I was asking him. The usual. Then he asked ‘Do you have any fetishes?’ Never a good sign. I said ‘I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it. Like what? Do you have any?’ He said ‘Yeah, same. Have you ever tried poo?’ Fucking hell. A shit fiend. But curiosity got the best of me, so I played along. ‘No I haven’t. Sounds hot’, I said. 'How would that work?’ He said ‘Well, I could come over and we could make out and suck each other off, and then you could get on top of me, all sweaty, and take a shit on my chest, and we can play in it!’ ‘Hot!’ I said. Then I blocked him."
  • Anonymous (SM) asks, "So I'm a shy guy, and there is this girl I started to like at the end of the school year last year. She liked another guy, who didn't like her back, but he moved away before the end of the year. So I thought it was the perfect chance to strike. The beginning of this school year I confessed. She initially didn't say anything worth noting when I told her, so I didn't think about it after. I want to talk to her again, but she's always with friends or practicing for a school team of whatever (she's very athletic). I want to talk to her, but I'm too shy and things are too awkward with us, and there's never a good time. HELP!"
  • Thais (F) asks, "Aloha my lovely podcasters. I don't expect you will have advice for me yet if you do I will appreciate it. I think you will want to hear my story as much as I need to tell it. I'm an American woman with Brazilian ancestry. My grandpa died last week and I have told my family I will not participate in the funeral. My grandpa was cool. I loved the guy and miss him so much, but he had an obsession with our ancestry that has caused a rift in our family. I will catch you up. He believed—I'm implying this is not the truth btw—that we all descended from the Wari tribe. You needn't know much about the Wari except that they practiced endocannibalism: the practice of consuming the dead to help connect the living with their deceased loved ones. If it isn't obvious to you already, my grandfather stipulated in his final directive that we all consume a part of him. You might think my family would all refuse this but he was a wealthy man and has required all family members who wish to inherit his money to eat a part of him. Perhaps you think this is not legal but you are incorrect. Cannibalism indicates non-consent and no laws prevent consuming people in the United States. Perhaps laws were not formed because eating people usually means murdering people or desecrating a corpse. I have been reading and I have found my grandfather is a very smart man. I did not doubt him but he has surprised me. As a precaution he removed part of his upper thighs in advance of his death, had them preserved by a butcher (a long-time friend of the family, the guy is incredible—except for this), and the meat will be prepared according to tradition. To avoid any post-mortum legal battles, he also refers to his frozen thigh meat as 'Grandfather's Special' (this is a translation) to skip direct mention but informed family members of the truth in advance. The ritual also gives enough context. I am sure this is no practical joke, and many of my family members have agreed to eat 'Grandfather's Special.' Because you will ask my inheritance I have chosen to pass upon is roughly $500,000 post-tax. This amount is lower than family members who have committed to eating grandpa but no one will receive more than $2,000,000 post-tax. My younger brother has chosen his inheritance of only $100,000 pre-tax but he is young and stupid. I understand this is not chump change and this money can mean a lot for some of my family who needs it. I have my own financial needs and could be very stable. The portion of grandpa provided to each family member will mirror the amount of the inheritance but they are small amounts no matter. My great uncle and father argue that such a small amount will pass. No one will get sick from it and the moment will be over quickly. My mother does not care about her inheritance but wants to eat her father because it is his death's wish. I have tried to convince them to not do a thing they will regret. I would eat a comparable portion of an animal's penis if that is what he wished of me, but I don't think my family has considered how they will feel later knowing they ate the patriarch of our family. They are clouded by money and because if they choose not to eat they cannot change their minds later. As I said before I do not expect advice, but if you have any please share."
  • Jamie (SM) asks, "Hey guys thanks for the great show! I have a simple question: what should I do about my roommate cumming on everything in the apartment? I don't have proof of his cumming but there are hard cum bits all over. Kitchen counter: check. Back of the toilet seat: check. My copy of Red Dead Redemption: quadruple check. So I'm not 1000% sure it is cum but it looks like my cum when it dries out on something but I wash it off in that case b/c I have standards! I watch him always and never see the cum so I want to believe it isn't cum, but I can't watch the dude sleep. That's creepy. Don't suggest a security camera neither b/c I don't breathe money. We are both dudes and not gay so he's not into me touching his cum for sure. He's from the New Jersey but we live in Santa Clarita. Does that mean anything to you? Once I farted on him and he got grossed out but I what if he was just pretending to save face? Dudes, my mind is boggled. Whaddya got?"
  • Sonya (28/SF) asks, "Ahhh, this is so embarrassing. My boyfriend has a little thing for words in which he likes giving stupid names to everything we do. He calls going to the supermarket 'picking up poop fuel,' thunderstorms are 'god sharts,' and shitting is 'Cosby Time' (I don't want to know why). I think you know why I wrote this to y'all. Before he eats me out at least half the time he says 'time for the early bird special!' I know not to ask but he wouldn't stop and this lead to a reason: part of my pussy looks like a 'predigested worm'—what every girl wants to hear. I asked him to stop and he didn't for awhile until I cried during sex last week. Now he is very sorry and 'totally gets me' but I can't let him eat my pussy anymore. I just can't. I can't get off on his cock and I'm 28 so that's not gonna change I think. I need to sit on his face but now it just makes me sad so I can't do it. How do I get over this? How can he help?"
  • Anonymous asks, "Aloha! Love your show. It's only been two weeks for me listening and I was racking my brains for a question but life just isn't awkward enough. Though I have always wondered what vegetables people like to fuck themselves with. Penetration vegetables. Carrots, zucchini, eggplants, oh my! Please rate for asses, vaginas, and mouths separately if you don't mind. Thank you!!!!!!! :D :D :D"

Special Segment: You're so greedy! We'll have one some other time!

Final Thoughts: The Cosby Rape Paradox and "I Got No STD" (a parody devised by me and Mr. Anonymous).