The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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83: The Pussy Chute

October 13, 2015 at 1:30AM • 1 hour 9 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the real Bieber Fever, pet names, and large Chinese testicles. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

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Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard's weird coworker who doesn't look like him, or something better. :-P

This Week's Questions:

  • Rob (Voicemails) asks, "Comments on racism and a request for Richard's favorite rubber sock lining. (Richard suggests Uniqlo and ?)"
  • Anonymous (SF) asks, "I have a bit of a conundrum and it is a bit of a long explanation, so please bear with me. A few days ago when my boyfriend was in the shower, I glanced through his text messages. I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it, I have trust issues. I've been cheated on before and so has my boyfriend. This is why I'm pretty sure he isn't cheating. However, when I glanced through the messages I saw that some of his texts with female coworkers are what I'd consider flirty. They (there's more than one) and he both use pet names like "sexy" and "wonderful." These aren't the same pet names he uses for me (baby, sweetheart), but something about it makes me upset. Maybe it is because I'd never even think of flirting with anyone else (over text or otherwise) when in a committed relationship (we've been together over 2 years). Even if I did, he wouldn't care, he isn't the jealous type. He constantly tells me how beautiful and perfect he thinks I am. He tells me he loves me almost every day, even though we only see each other once or twice a week. The industry he works in (hospitality) is notorious for the incestuous dating scene, so maybe he's just playing along with it. Regardless, this isn't big enough for me to break up with him over, and I can't talk to him about it without admitting I went through his phone. So, my question for you all is, how do I get over it? I'd also like to hear what you think of the situation. What would you do? Sorry this was so long, and thanks in advance for your advice. UPDATE: I just wanted to send you an update to an anon question I sent earlier this week (hopefully before you answer my q/record). I'm the one who was asking about pet names in text messages. The update is that I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday because he lied to me about being at work when he wasn't (so much for surprise visits). He told me the reason he's been acting so weird is because he is struggling with his sexuality and wants to be with men, but isn't 100% gay because he is also attracted to me because of our connection. So idk why he was flirting with his female coworkers over text. I have empathy for him (if this all is in fact true, it was over text so hard to tell), since that's a hard situation to be in. He feels he can't be his true self or tell people. Anyways, not sure how this will develop, if we'll remain friends or not (I'm upset, but also not...oddly enough). Just wanted to send you an update and totally understand if you don't include either of these questions/messages. Always a fan of both your podcasts, thanks!"
  • Anonymous (B?F/26) asks, "Where to begin. I married this guy you can call Mark. I know you have an undying love for married Marks, after all. We had a kid and divorced. In a previous marriage he had two kids with a woman you can call Jennifer. After the divorce I met Jennifer through email and we hit it off. After months of struggling on my own, Jennifer suggested I move in with her. She has a large house and our kids could all be together. We both get alimony and child support. Hers will run out soon but she has a good job and can support herself. I am still young (26) and don't get paid a lot so after a lot of thinking and conversation with my daughter we moved in with Jennifer. At first this was a perfect arrangement. It took the burden off me financially, my daughter had a new sister and brother, and our ex-husband only had one visit to make to see all his offspring. Jennifer has been miraculously kind and generous to me. When I told Mark about how well everything was going he told me Jennifer is bisexual and she was probably attracted to me. I asked her if this was true and she said yes but she wouldn't do anything I didn't want to. We got drunk two days later and I sat on her face. We've been together for three years now. Jennifer is African American and I'm Korean American. Mark is now engaged to a third woman who is also Asian American. I have seen the way Jennifer looks at her and it is making me the jealous girlfriend. I feel like she's preparing to snatch her up after the divorce. I know how crazy I sound but she looks at Mark's new upcoming ex-wife like she looks at me. I'm not just scared for our relationship but for my child's future. The relationship Jennifer and I have built is beautiful. We polished a real turd into a diamond and I don't want to lose that but I have no clue how to approach this. Our family is the right size. I don't want a third woman in the mix. Jennifer is the only woman I find attractive. She is my gay exception. How do I discuss this with her without making things worse?"
  • Anonymous (SM) asks, "I have a roommate. I thought we lived in a shitty studio together in Brooklyn, but NOOOOOO. We live in a magical fairy land where anything is true whenever it comes out of his mouth. He prefers Gregory because Greg "sounds coarse" so don't call him Greg! I need to get this fucker out of la-la-land or I will flip my shit so hard. I walked in on him fucking a dude about last Wednesday and he tells me the little Chinese guy was a woman. Not a woman with a shockingly large pair of balls hanging off the back of her looking deflated on our shared carpet but a vagina woman. I love gays. Gays are funny as fuck from my experience. I don't mind what chute he bangs, poop or pussy, or who they belong to. Putting your dick in a hole is great, to whomever that hole may belong. I want him to stop lying about it. I can't live with Gregory lying about the holes he fucks. We live in a studio. There is no room for lies. We don't have room for two beds. I have to share that shit with him. We agreed not to fuck around in the apartment, period. No chicks, we said, so if he fucked a dude at least he could claim a loophole in our fuck policy. We got a lease. We are poor (no shit). I can't just pick up and leave. How do I get him to admit he's a gay and stop him from banging ass in our studio...or even just do it in the shower? I can't get those fucking China balls out of my memory."
  • Mathæyós asks, "Mathæyós again, with another sex drive question. To recap, I'm on lamictal for seizures. It has the effect of giving me an extremely high sex drive; near hyper sexual sex drive. I looked into other medications, but they have an even longer list of side effects, and I'm hesitant to add another medication to the 30 or so I'm already on (kidney disease, not mental instability, FWIW). Are there any ways short of chemical castration to lower sex drive? I've heard exercise helps, and maybe meditation? The whole 'masturbate in the shower in the morning, then possibly in the afternoon for a few hours, and then again before bed ' is really cutting into my reading time."
  • Sherry (SF/40s) asks, "Dear Awkward Humans, Is Bieber Fever a real condition? Not literally so, but is it possible and a cause for concern? My girlfriend gets warm to the touch at the mention of the Biebs. Her face flushes and she begins to breathe erratically. She and I are lesbians in our 40s, and I know all the jokes, but I don't know what to make of her reaction. She calls him her 'exception' to women. I know she and Bieber won't have a secret tryst, but I don't know what this all means. Do you have an explanation? Sincerely, Sherry"

Special Segment: Nope!

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