The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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81: Syphilis on Wall Street

September 29, 2015 at 1:00AM • 1 hour 8 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about funny girlfriends, erectile anxiety, and a deadly attraction. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam gets imaginary scabies, Darren gets a rod shoved up his nose, Erica gets a strange series of messages from a body shop, and a brown widow drops some egg sacks in Richard's window.

This Week's Questions:

  • J (SM) asks, "Just got out of a relationship and realized that our sense of humor didn't click. You and Erica have senses of humor like mine. So my question is, how do I find women with the same sense of humor?"
  • Beowulf (27/SM) asks, "Hello, this is the fellow who wrote you under the pseudonym Beowulf and whose question you answered in episode 37. Admittedly I have not listened to your show much since as I find it somewhat distasteful but nevertheless appreciate your help. I also do not have regular Internet access from my current residence. I have decided to correspond again as I have an 'update' for you as well as an additional dilemma. Perhaps you can be of assistance again. You were not considerable assholes to me in episode 37 and I ask that you extend the same courtesy again. I am still very depressed. The older woman who 'kept' me is no longer in my life. I can't say much of the circumstances in which I escaped but that situation has been put to rest. Don't assume I murdered her. I am currently writing you from the Hozoviotissa monastery where I have taken residence and I know she will not look for me. Unfortunately I have found myself in yet another problematic situation, now with a young man on the isle. He comes to the church and says very dirty things to me. I have asked him politely to leave but he will not leave me in peace. He is only 14 years of age but he is pure evil. He has threatened to tell the other monks I have molested him if I do not engage with him sexually. As a straight male, I am not convinced I can do what he asks of me. I don't want to cause trouble so I've agreed to his demands, however I am anxious about achieving an erection. My query is as follows: how do you make love to a man if you are not attracted to him? Pharmaceuticals are difficult to come by. I utilized the gift of Cialis often when I was kept, but it is difficult to procure in Amorgos. Please take my question seriously. I know my behavior is abnormal but I believe if I give the young man what he is after he will leave me be. I believe it's the right thing to do. It is wrong to make love to an adolescent boy, I know, but because I don't want to I believe God will forgive me. I have finally found a peaceful life and I want it to remain that way. I also would like to know as many of you are homosexual, is it rude to ask him to make a BM beforehand?"
  • Anonymous (43/GM) asks, "I am an aging gay man with a young soul and think your show is very funny. Keep it up! Richard, you are my favorite (wink wink). I've been thinking about my problem for some time now and finally decided to write you guys after months of getting nowhere. I don't know if you can help but I thought I'd try since I feel like I know you. (I know I don't, I'm not creepin.) I dated only older men when I was young. Relationships didn't work out most of the time because I was young, dumb, and full of cum as it goes. I got into a relationship of nine years in my thirties but he recently passed. I've spent my time grieving for two years and finally feel ready to go out into the dating world again. I still prefer older men. I like the daddy-son relationship, but I don't know how to facilitate such a thing at my age. I am too old to be a 'boy' now and older men like men their own age or boys much younger than myself. I know that doesn't mean everyone is that way, but still it is a challenge. I have tried and gotten nowhere. I also realize after my last relationship that I may be putting myself through more grief if I continue like this. Do you think I can still meet an older man who will want a relationship, even in my 40s? Or is it possible to change who I'm attracted to enough to date someone my own age? I don't know anything else and I don't want anything else, but I'm trying to be realistic. What do you do when you age out of your sexual preferences? I haven't got a clue."
  • Patrick (26/GM) asks, "I thought of writing this because of the Uber rimmer back in the day. It's not as funny but I feel weird asking my friends. What happened was I work in finance and travel frequently so I get everything paid for, including my flights and any beverages purchased on said flight. Needless to say I got to my hotel drunk and it was one of those places where they don't let you carry your bag. This little twink carried my bag for me. It's a tiny bag and it looked like he had to work at it. This turned me on like crazy and I was drunk so obviously I was staring at him. He caught on and when we got into the room he asked me if I needed something else. Again, drunk, I said 'I need to fuck a tight ass' and you can guess what happened from there. Afterwards he nervously got dressed and I didn't get his name or I don't remember it. It was very awkward but I found condom wrappers later and I remember using them so fingers crossed! Still, I got home from the trip and a few days later it burned when I peed. The doctor said it looked like a urinary tract infection. It was, but he took blood for thoroughness and because I was paranoid at the time and it turned out I had syphilis. Not a big deal. Got it taken care of. BUT. Do I tell the twinkie bag boy? Reminder: I don't know his name. Think about how difficult it would be to give him the message. He would get fired if they found out I sexed him up. Consider the ramifications and the difficulty. Honestly I'm looking for the go ahead to not do anything at all but I feel guilty so you decide."
  • Leanna (27/SF) asks, "I'm 27 and I'm dating a young guy. He's 20 and you can call him Kyle. I know I know it's stupid and he's a kid but I loooove baby faces. He has a baby face but tries to look tough and it's sooo hot. He's immature but it's kinda fun. I knew he had a thing for superheroes right away. He has superhero underwear like a little boy. I know it's bad but I like it. :S He literally just left after we tried our first roleplay because I laughed. Totally down like a clown for the dress up and make believe, but it's the soundtrack. He put his iPod in my dock and played superhero music. I don't know where it came from but it's like a big hero moment song. You know like fanfare and empowerment. When it started I just laughed my ass off. I had to he looked so adorable and silly in his cape and anime underwear. I wasn't making fun of him and told him that but he was mad and went home. I literally went to the computer to write in an email because I feel bad and want to know what to do but also it is super funny. I am literally laughing and feeling guilty writing this."

Special Segment: Do you think we have time for this shit today?!

Final Thoughts: Erica pens some porn at work and shares it with us.