The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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80: Sensual Pasta

September 22, 2015 at 7:30PM • 1 hour 8 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about vagina pain, sensual pasta, and old raisins. Want to ask a question on the show? Email questions@awkwardhuman.com or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Rachel finds out that our original album, Hump Day, is attractive to women in their golden years.

This Week's Questions:

  • Alicia (47/SF) asks, "I live in an oil town up north and run a small drive-thru coffee shop. I met my boyfriend Sam that way. He's 24 and gorgeous. A big tall guy, very muscular. He's also half my age. I'm not a cougar. I never thought this would happen to me, but when I moved up here I found out it's a lot of men. Some girls work on the rigs but many more men. We have a female shortage and I find myself with a younger man. I am an attractive woman, but I am 47. My looks have a short shelf life and I don't know what to do about this relationship. We work very well together. Our interests vary but we appreciate those differences in each other. He's intimate at the right times and not at the right times, too (if you catch my meaning). I thought this was a fling but we've stayed together for two years. Here is my dilemma. I love him and he loves me, but I will get ugly like all people do as they age. He will still be younger than I am now when that happens. He'll be beautiful and in his 30s and I'll be an old raisin. The oil companies pay very well and he is very wealthy. At his age you can make almost $150,000 a year. He lives at the rig for free. His meals are provided. In a couple of years he will have over one million dollars in savings and there is a very big prostituion market in our town because of wealthy men. It's difficult to explain the townif you have not seen it. Everyone who works and lives on the rigs has too much money. I have received tips upwards of $1,000 for coffee. I am not proud of it, but my girls wear small clothing to attract the men and gain more tips. Running a coffee shop like this has made me more money than the men have, but I worry my man will start paying for prostitutes when he tires of me. As young people, what do you expect he'll do? Am I worrying unnecessarily or should I have a chat with him about this?"
  • Wendell (23/SM) asks, "Is it wrong to have sex at a funeral? Not on the casket but in the bathroom? My girlfriend's uncle just died. She isn't broken up about it. We both like sex in public and I have to get off three times a day or I will have endless boners. My blood is probably just viagra. I don't want to disrespect the family but I will get a boner during the funeral if we don't fuck and that will be offensive too. What's the easiest way for me and my girlfriend to do this without upsetting the family? Like how can we not get caught? She's cool with it if nobody knows but the funeral is outside and then we have lunch or something at a country club later. She says there are people all over (I haven't been to a country club ever, so definitely not this one) and it will be hard to find a good place. I might need to go to the bathroom to masturbate, but it will take me a long time because I don't like masturbating. I need a real woman. She won't do it in the bathroom because she thinks we'll get caught and normally she doesn't care about that but she does because of the funeral, etc. The country club has a golf course. Are there secret places on the golf course? Inside is better because it's not warm where we live, but we could do outside if we need to. I tried to think of all the problems so I hope I didn't forget anything. I would love to know your suggestions!"
  • Vanessa (20/SF) asks, "Why does my vagina hurt so much after sex? My boyfriend is very gentle and it feels good during sex, but afterwards it burns for days and I can't let him do it. After about five days it feels normal again, but then we have sex and it burns every time after. He said he got tested and doesn't have a disease and I've only been with him. Is there something wrong with my vagina or is he lying to me?"
  • Henry (SM/26) asks, "I broke up with my girlfriend last month and we are still living together. She is being very unreasonable. Our lease is still good for more than five more months and we can't sublet or transfer. Our landlord doesn't give a shit about us and is an asshole mostly. He just wants his money but this is now a problem where he might not get it. She doesn't want to pay the rent because she doesn't want to live with me anymore and says she hates me. She says if I don't love her than she won't pay because I made her move in. I guess I did because I told her I loved her and she wanted to get a place and I said no for a long time. Eventually I said yes and we got a place that is expensive but together we could afford it. If she doesn't pay I will go broke and get evicted. She will get evicted too obviously but her dad has money and pays for her so she doesn't think about that. She won't pay and she won't leave, pretty much. I asked her to do one or the other, because if she leaves then maybe my landlord will allow me to have another roommate since I can't pay by myself. She won't be normal about this. She wants to make me suffer. I didn't just decide that, she said it to me. We broke up because she is crazy. When we moved in together finally, she did the thing I thought she'd do and didn't let me do anything to the apartment. I came home from work one day and half my belongings were in the garbage or just gone. She didn't ask me. We got in a large argument over it but she said she would buy me newer better things, that her dad said it was okay. Maybe she lied or not but they never got replaced. She took over all the decision-making. I never got to decide anything. If I tried to assert myself she'd scream and cry. She said she'd die by her own hands if I broke up with her. After so long I didn't give a shit what she did. Obviously she did not commit suicide over the breakup but she wants to ruin me. I don't know what else to do anymore. I don't know how to get out of this. I was a total and complete idiot for letting this happen. I should have known moving in was a bad idea. I could tell she was a little crazy before it happened but she started being so good when I told her I didn't want to move in so I agreed eventually. I don't know what she wants. It seems like she just wants to control me like a servant. She gave me a calendar of our activities for each week and some nights were 'sex optional' nights. Like if I was good and she was in the mood we could on those nights but that was only Monday and Thursday. She didn't want to have sex on the weekend ever and I'd get yelled at if I brought it up and then no sex for the rest of the week. But even if I was good she would cancel sex sometimes because she wanted to listen to music or take a two hour bath. Guys, I know she's whacked. I tried to pretend it was fine for so long but I always knew in the back of my head. I don't know what to fix this. I just want to get out of this without getting into more trouble. If she gets evicted her dad can afford to help her but if I do I can't get another apartment easy. I would need to move to a bad area to maybe even afford it. My landlord won't help me because she's on the lease and he wants to keep her there to avoid problems but he doesn't understand that she is a problem and it would be better to replace her. Is it possible to convince him or make him let me rent to a new roommate? I have a friend who will move in but I only have 15 days. Even if you don't have legal options for me is there a way I can manipulate her to not be whacked out anymore? I am so fucked if I can't fix this very soon. PLEASE HELP ME!"
  • Anonymous (29/SF) asks, "My boyfriend doesn't really have a fetish but he likes romantic dinners. He says it turns him on when a woman cooks him a good meal, that it's a sensual experience. We met online and have been dating for about four months. I think he may have been interested in me because I work in a restaurant. I'm just guessing tho. It's okay with me. I really like him and he really likes me. If I can make him happy with a meal I want to, but I have asked him for pointers and such but I don't think he understands what he wants completely. I asked him what he'd like me to make but he says it should be a surprise. I kept asking and then he told me it could be pasta but I have to pick the kind. My question is: how do you make sensual pasta? Is there a kind of pasta that is more sensual than others? Is it about the taste or the preparation or both? I know you might not know the answer because I don't think there is one for certain. I would still like your opinion on how I can cook this meal for him. Please forget about recipes that can cause gas because I don't want him to fart while he's fucking me. Thank you!"

Special Segment: Interview with a Frat Guy (Andrew!)

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