The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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79: Crazy Ex-travaganza

September 14, 2015 at 11:00AM • 1 hour 22 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about your crazy exes, frightening vision boards, and the Safari of Destiny. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

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Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam, Erica, Richard, and Lindsay (IUD Girl) share their favorite crazy ex stories.

This Week's Questions:

  • Jon (Crazy Ex Story) writes, "Hey it's Jon here again! I'm still an avid listener and have heard your comments about the 'crazy ex show' and that it was suggested by a listener. I believe it was me awhile back ago when I wrot in about my ex/roommate. So I apologize for not sending in my stories. But let's start from most recent ex, which is my ex roommate.... I'll give a very brief update to start though. After writing in to you and talking with a friend I did get a subleaser and moved out. There was random communication over utilities and minor things. He tried to be friends but I was always short and made it known I was done. Fast forward to mid-August. Our lease was ending. I wrote to our landlord saying we would not be renewing. Typical steps of moving out would ensue. My subleaser and I picked a day to clean and made sure my ex knew about it. Everything was good to clean on a Saturday. However, only my subleaser and I showed up. Whatever, we cleaned anyways. A few days later I get an email throw my landlord with an attachment. My ex had hired a cleaning service, costing $200, and forwarded the bill to my landlord saying I would be covering it since I had moved out early!! Obviously that shit wasn't true. I ended up not paying and haven't heard from him since then. Cheap bastard. The ex before that was truly insane. We had dated for maybe two months when we were in college so it wasn't anything too serious, or so I thought. I thought we had a normal break up and it went pretty smooth except for the fact he didn't see it as a break up. He took my words, "I don't see this going anywhere and we should go our separate ways", as I need you to win me back by stalking me and tell everyone else we're still together. He knew my schedule and would drive to the building and offer to give me a ride. the first time it was raining so I took him up on his offer. Terrible decision. Fucking horrible. I was pretty much in one building because my program was small and a specialized degree. For three weeks straight he showed up, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday afternoon to pick me up. It finally stopped after my fraternity brother saw him pull into our parking lot at our house and threatened to bash his teeth in. These are two of the craziest ones I have. Love the show and listen every week!"
  • Brandon (Crazy Date Story) writes, "Probably won't fit for your crazy ex podcast but I have a crazy date story for you all. So I found this chick on OKC who I talked to and we went on a first date. Nothing serious just coffee at a local Starbucks. We meet outside, go in and get some drinks then grab a table. We are talking for about 5 minutes and a couple of guys holding hands walk by the window we were sitting at. So she mutters under her breath "They should be shot." At this time I just stand up and walk away. I walked out of Starbucks and didn't contact her again. I presumed she was saying that about gay people and I wasn't supposed to hear her since she muttered it under her breath."
  • Jake (Crazy Ex Story) writes, "Aloha! This is my crazy ex story for your crazy ex show. The long short of it is that my girlfriend broke up with me because of a ninja turtles trading card. Michelangelo is eating 'Choco Puffs' on it. I'm sure it has some value but like $25. It's not special and it's worn out. I've kept it around because it's a memento of my first relationship. I'm gonna tell you why I keep it later so you can understand how crazy this bitch is. There's a bonus story too. This is also when my parents found out I was sexually active. Me and her were dating for almost two months. I go take a piss and then back to my room where she's rummaging through my desk. I ask her why she's doing that and she said she was looking for floss. I don't know anyone who keeps floss in their bedroom desk or any desk but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. She sees the TMNT trading card and asks me why I have it in a very judgmental tone of voice. I tell her it's a memento and then she wants to know all about it. I should've just told her what it was but she seemed annoyed and pissed off so I had that reaction where you don't think and just try to calm down the hulk. I don't know if she doesn't believe me or what but she wants me to get rid of the card. She says boys my age shouldn't have those things. I tell her it means something to me and I'm keeping it and then she says know and puts it in her pocket. I'm about to explode when I think for a sec and think I might not get my card back if I get angry. I tell her okay, lay on the compliments REAL thick, and that leads to sex. I grab the card while we're getting dressed, she goes home, and I'm like fuck what am into. I knew she'd figure out I took it but it took her like three days. I get this angry call from her and where she's really pissed at me for stealing the card! My card! I hang up on her because she won't shut up about it and then of course she comes to my house. I lived with my parents then because this was during college so she's huffing and puffing and my dad lets her in. He calls for me and she just lays in about how I betrayed her trust and I'm such a bad person so I get pissed at her and tell her how my first girlfriend gave it to me because she new I collected cards and picked it out of a bin in a store. I never watched TMNT as a kid. It wasn't on. I think she thought it was funny. She's dead now. Her family took a trip to China and when she came back she had SARS and her family has a genetic thing where the immune system doesn't work the way it's supposed to. So she is like one of the 5 people who died from it. This happened in junior high so I'm over it but that doesn't mean I don't care about her. My ex does not think this is a good explanation. She gets even more pissed because she thinks I care more about a dead girl than her and then goes off about how I killed her because I am so bad at sex that she wanted to die. So while my ex starts listing all the orgasms she faked my dad kindly asks her to leave. She doesn't so he takes her arm, forces her out the door, and tells her he'll call the police if she comes near me again. I thought oh crap my dad is gonna give me the sex talk now which would be very awkward after that, but he just messes up my hair to be an asshole and says, 'now you know you don't fuck crazy.' I never did again."
  • Anonymous (17/SM) asks, "Aloha. I'm a 17 year old man and my girlfriend is 15. She's really hot. Do you know what a vision board is? I do but I'm asking because my girlfriend moved houses and I found one she did in a box when I helped her unpack. I'm on it like right in the middle. She is on it also and there are shitty pictures printed on the old printer in the science lab. They have streaks all through them but you can tell there are wedding dresses and houses and shit. I don't know how old it is for sure but there's a magazine article on it that is from two years ago so I think she's been creepin on me. Now I'm having all kinds of feelings because I like her but is she's doing that thing called the promise where you use mind control to send your wishes out. Obviously that's not real but she's doing the board and I think she wants to marry me. I think not yet but I think there's some shit she isn't telling me. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out about asking her. I like her a lot and she likes sex but maybe I don't know her."
  • Sam (SM/Mid-30s) asks, "I have a predicament well-suited for your 'crazy ex' show because I dearly hope this will be nothing but one of those stories some day soon. Unfortunately I am not so fortunate at the moment. I have a fiancée who attended and English fashion design program overseas. She was gone for a year. After eight months I strayed from the relationship because a girl at work showed interest in me. I was drunk the first time but she intoxicated me. I missed my fiancée so much I needed the touch of a woman and a woman was begging to touch me. I know it sounds peculiar, but to me it was a way to become physically intimate and enjoy the carnal pleasures at hand while intellectually and emotionally remaining connected to my fiancée. I saw it as sex with her by proxy. My temporary partner did not see it that way, however. You can call me Sam and her Sally. My fiancée can be called Susan. All three of us are in our mid-30s. I should now disclose that I met my fiancée 'Susan' at a Xena/Hercules convention many moons ago. We bonded over fan music videos—we each made one about Gabriel, who is the real star of Xena—and our love blossomed from there. To our pleasant surprise we both learned we enjoyed bondage—sexually, of course—and she was a natural dom which suited me perfectly. We didn't engage in any heavy play but we did (and do) enjoy games about control. In general this means I will be restrained with ropes, handcuffs, and whatnot. When using Sally as a proxy, I discussed my interests with her and she agreed to learn. Everything was wonderful until one fateful evening when she tied me up with more rope than usual. I felt something was unusual, yet my excitement got the better of me. She told me we would engage in edge play and she spent almost an hour postponing my orgasm before she slid my cock inside of her and, before I realized, I'd already ejaculated inside of her. As you might imagine this made me very concerned because I did not want a pregnancy with anyone, even my fiancée. Of course it would be another matter hiding it, but I have no interest in raising a child. Unfortunately, Sally wanted a kid and decided to steal my sperm to get one. She didn't try to hide it or even think she did anything wrong. She told me she loved me and I would be a great dad, as if we'd discussed having children. I begged her to terminate the pregnancy if it took but she refused and after a few months my fiancée returned and I found out Sally was definitely pregnant. For this very moment and likely not much longer, neither Sally nor Susan know about the other. Susan certainly doesn't know I impregnated Sally, even if it wasn't by choice. My question is this: how can I make Sally go away? One small ray of hope is that we no longer work together. She quit her job to focus on becoming a mother. As frightening as the thought may be, it added much-needed distance to this predicament. Now I only need you to tell me how to put an end to this tragedy."
  • Nelle asks, "Well I got myself a gym membership because my best friend opened a bakery. I look good and her baked goods look good and I want to have my cake and eat it too LITERALLY and so I had to exercise and exercise is good so that's good. You familiar with that saying 'go to a gym and don't buy anything and they'll sell you the gym for $1' (I think)? I went to a 24 Hour Fitness and Jerry got me a deal when I just wanted to go on 2 or 3 machines or something but he got me big discounts and a free personal training and spin class that he teaches which I got worried about since he teaches them but was thinking well it's free so if he hits on me (he was telling me how good I looked and he wants to take me to the next level) I can just quit or tough it out for 12 weeks. Like at first I thought maybe he won't hit on me and maybe he's just laying it on to get me to join the gym and he's using all this gym lingo to get me pumped! Like I thought I was just thinking ego-like and nope it wasn't like that! He so wanted more than that. I need to say now that I have had five classes with him and Thursday is my next one so if you can answer this before then you could really save my booty. First training he asks me what kind of guy I like so I tell him I don't have a type because he's kind of my type but if he were intelligent. First spin class he compliments me all about how hard I worked and how he thinks I will be the best in his class. Second and third spin classes also I got comments like that. Second training he wants to go on a date but I tell him I don't know if that's a good idea and laugh nervous and he is smooth about it and changes the subject. Third training he asks me out on a date and I guess I was horny or something so I said I'll think about it. Like this is aggressive behavior and he seemed nice up to this point so I thought maybe I was being too judgmental. The maybe unleashed the crazy I think. Fourth class he wants to know what I like to do on dates so I tell him some things but I like to be surprised. So he says okay and we go back to the workout and meanwhile he asks me what I think about Africa. Like do I like wild animals and what not. I thought he was flirting so I was like yeah I like wild animals but then he goes into all this stuff about how he wants to feed a tiger and ride a zebra and I think that's illegal to ride zebras. Maybe not in Africa but isn't it bad for them? I'm no zebra expert but it sounds fishy. He gets into how much he loves exotic animals and goes to zoos all the time. Like there are two zoos pretty much in our city and he goes every week unless he travels to a different zoo. But now the zoos are making him sad and he wants to be with the real animals in the wild because they can be free and happy. At this point I'm thinking like what is happening? We were talking about what I like on dates and he's going on and on and on about how he wants to 'meet' 25 or more elephants in Africa and get photos with them like they're PEOPLE. I'm like yeah yeah okay that's cool, cool I thought I was just being like yeah that's fine for you but he misunderstood some signals and tells me I get him and nobody understands him like I do. NEW PARAGRAPH because this is the crazy part. He asks me to go on an African safari tour with him through Botswana, Zambia, and one other place and I'm like what? So he says he bought tickets for two weeks around Halloween (he is scared of Halloween even though he is like the rock basically, go figure) and he did this because then he it would force him to meet the right woman for him and they would begin their relationship in the African jungle. He tells me I am that woman and he is sure. I tell him I will check my calendar but I think I have plans then because I just didn't know what to do. There is no way am I going to Africa with a trainer I don't know at all. That's insane and so is he! Oh my god. I don't know what to say to him. I think I have to cancel the classes. Like I know I have to say no and now I don't want to do classes with him anymore except I can't switch to a new trainer because of how they do payments for 1-on-1s or something even though it was free. Maybe they lied about that. He told me and then some guy said that was true so I didn't think about it but maybe he has a trainer friend who is his wing man who is helping him get a girl to Africa. What if he wants to get me there so he can rape and murder me and get away with it? How would people know? He could just tell the police I stayed there because I loved it but the truth is that I am inside of a tiger because he wanted to not just feed the tiger but feed a nice woman to a tiger. How do I know?? He is nice but this is too much for me and I just want to get out of it without him getting in trouble. I think he probably wouldn't feed me or anyone to a tiger but he is not very smart with boundaries and that has made me very uncomfortable."

Special Segment: No time this week!

Final Thoughts: An update call with Mike!