The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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78: When You Stop Being Human and Start Being a Hole

September 8, 2015 at 3:30AM • 1 hour 40 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about Janeane Garofalo, sour throat milk, and swapping genitals. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam and Richard attend a whipping seminar and Richard gets a big surprise.

This Week's Questions:

  • Brett (Comment/Story) asks, "A story about old cum."
  • Mike (SM) asks, "I snuck into my ex-fiancée's apartment and am waiting for her to come home, but I'm not sure what I want to do: propose marriage or not."
  • Katie Anne (SF) asks, "I don't even know where to start. My boyfriend hated Janeane Garofalo when we met. I cannot stress that enough. Then two months ago he goes to a bar with his buds and there she is, at a table. So one of his stupid asshole shit friends dares him to ask her out and he's drunk so he does it. She doesn't want to go out with him so he tells her the truth and tells her that he really doesn't like her or think she's funny. Janeane Garofalo accuses my boyfriend (his name is Bill btw, I don't give a shit if he knows about this) of saying that because he got rejected and he swears he felt that way before but apologizes for being rude because he was. Janeane Garofalo decides this is a fucking challenge and tells my boyfriend she'll give him her number if she can tell three jokes without him laughing at all. She tells the jokes, my boyfriend doesn't laugh, he gets her number, and then admits that he thought two of the jokes were funny but he's good at holding back the giggles. Who fucking knows though. SUPPOSEDLY that's what happened. He told me about it right away, so he gets one point for that but he's got 20 negative for being a shit-for-brains when you add everything else in. So he's -19. Not the worst but CLOSE. I mean really. Now they hang out all the time. ALL OF IT. I never see him at all anymore. If I do he tells me Janeane Garofalo this, Janeane Garofalo that. I am so fucking sick of Janeane Garofalo!!!!!!! I don't think he's having an affair but they're best friends now. My relationship with my best friend is a piece of shit compared to them. They're like identical twins that share a telepathic connection but are different sexes and look completely different. It's SO frustrating. He's not cheating on me but it feels like it. He's never around. He never talks to me unless it's about fucking Janeane Garofalo. Not actually fucking her, except she got a paper cut yesterday and he sucked on her finger. He told me like I wouldn't care and then I got mad and he said it was his maternal instinct even though he can't have one because he has a FUCKING PENIS. AGGHHHHH! I can't even do this. I just can't even write about it anymore. What the fuck do I do? I want to tell him it's me or Janeane Garofalo but I think he'll pick her and break up with me. This is driving me crazy!!! What do I do??????"
  • Teresa (SF) asks, "I'm a woman and blow jobs seem so disgusting to me. It is just so gross. But I know many women enjoy it, but fuck why? How can they enjoy it? The things I don't like is how it smells musky down there. I also don't appreciate someone putting their hand in my face so why would I want a penis in it? Then I am supposed to choke on it until it ejaculates sour milk into my throat? No. Why do women let men do this to them?"
  • Jamie (34/SM) asks, "The short version: how do I tell my girlfriend I want to fuck her without her wig on? I met my girlfriend almost a year ago and we are in love. She is amazing and beautiful. When she was young she was in a fire and her hair melted off, basically, and she's bald. She wears a wig because, speaking objectively, her head is pretty gross. It kind of looks like shiny skin lava with scabs in it. That's speaking objectively, though. There are two problems with the wig. It slips around when we're fucking because she likes it hard like I do, but also that secretly I asked her out because I was attracted to her because she's a burn victim. I'm not into ugly girls. If she were really ugly and burnt I wouldn't feel attracted to her. She is very pretty underneath the scars, and you can still tell. The damage extends down her face a little but when the wig is on she looks almost completely normal. But I spotted the scar because I'm into it and when she confided in me about the wig I thought I hit the jackpot. She told me before sex the first time and I thought we were going to fuck without the wig on but she left it on and told me she wanted me to know because it would slide around, not because she would take it off. I don't know how to tell her the truth. She is not comfortable and I think would be quite angry with me if I told her the truth about being attracted to her because of her scars. I love her and the scars are just what brought us together. I am so grateful for them and I also want to hold her in her real body when we're fucking. She's not totally real with the wig on. What do I say?"
  • Anonymous (20/GM) asks, "I have a strange masturbatory routine that I cannot reconcile in reality and I'm hoping you can help. I will tell you a scenario or two so you can get the idea. 1) I'm running from the natives with Indiana Jones and he keeps begging me to stop. I'm like, why? They'll kill us! Eventually he admits to me that he just has to fuck me right now. Like it can't wait because he's too horny and I'm too goddamn sexy that he can't resist me any longer and fucking me is more important than his life. (Apparently mine, too.) Then all the natives catch us and are about to kill us with their spears but they see the fucking and it turns them on so much that they lay down their weapons and jerk off in a circle around us until they come all over us and Indiana Jones comes in my ass. 2) I am having an affair with my high school chemistry professor. He's in his early 30s but smokin' fine and all the girls want him but he wants me. (I think I'm 15 or 16 in this one but I never really settled on a number.) One of the jealous girls finds out about us and tells on us, so the principal catches him fucking me and fires him and calls the police, but he won't stop fucking me. Nothing matters anymore. So he gets arrested while he's still fucking me. They cuff him but he won't stop so they have to manually pull him out of my ass. He cums in me while they do that and I'll always having that memento to remember him by. What's the pattern? That I am so sexy that my boyfriends will throw their lives away just to fuck me. I don't know how to make this happen to me in real life, though. I have lots of these stories that I think about when getting fucked and it works but I don't feel present in the moment. There's a penis in my butt and that's sooo intense but I am thinking about some story instead of the feeling and the guy I'm with. Like he doesn't even matter during sex. I just go do my thing in my head, cum, and then he cums, and then it's over and nobody knows I wasn't really there. I get sad about it because I feel weird for having sex like that but also because why don't they notice? I feel like a hole and not a human being. I know I'm ignoring them but it makes me sad that they don't notice. I thought I could roleplay it but it takes a long time to explain for hookups. It is very elaborate and you can't pretend to do all the events. Like how would you even do #2? I think a version of #1 is possible, but even if it is I can't get hookups to spend time on it and boyfriends don't want to fuck like that so I don't know what other options I have. If you can think of anything I am all ears."
  • Devorah (SF/26) asks, "My boyfriend (he's 24, I'm 26) has a weird hobby that I don't understand but it's fine, but not when we have guests. He's an illustrator who is just finding his voice right now and it's like he's doing an impression of a voice but it's not his. My mother is an artist and she says that it's part of a phase he's in. Every artist has their 'imitation phase' says my mother. But my mom said hers was labeling products with silly titles. My boyfriend's is genital-swapping in famous movie scenes. It is a little hard to explain. It's like there's a man and woman, and they were probably clothed in the scene but he pulls their pants down or they are ripped around the genital area but he'll switch the penises and vaginas. So all the men have vaginas and the women have penises. So like that's weird but OK if nobody sees it because that makes people uncomfortable. Like he can show friends if he warns them or whatever but if we have guests it's not appropriate. I think he knows but he acts all innocent about it. I'm really into Game of Thrones and he likes it so I invited our friends to watch the season finale. You all watch don't you? This might not make sense if not. Basically he drew Jon Snow and Egret in the cave where they do it the first time and Jon is looking at Egret's supersize penis and surprised/titillated and, you can probably guess, she's saying 'you know nothing Jon Snow.' He drew it during the episode and left it on the table where everyone could see. He told me he thought it was funny and people would like it but except for his dumb friend Christian nobody liked it. They were uncomfortable. One my girlfriends pulled me aside to ask me if I thought he might be gay or bisexual and if I wanted to talk about it. What?! I don't believe that and it made me very uncomfortable. I talked to him about this and he said he wouldn't do it again but my mother is in town for Labor Day and came to visit after services (like at the synagogue) and started reading our magazines. So of course a drawing falls out of one of them and it's Tom Hanks in Castaway having intercourse with Wilson the beach ball. Obviously Tom Hanks had a vagina because Wilson, while male in name, is a beach ball and beach balls do not have genitals. So the beach ball wore a strap on harness with a dildo in it. I talk to him about this because my mother was very upset and I couldn't lie about it because she knows because I told her all about it. Like she apparently did not imagine it was 'so sultry.' So I talk to him about it and he said he forgot about it being out on the coffee table so he hid it in a magazine quick when she got there. That makes sense but he knew she was coming and should have been more careful! I mean, jeez. I'm worried. At first I thought he was only having a goof but now I don't know. This 'phase' has happened for a long time now and I think he has an unusual fetish or something. He swears not but maybe just because I got mad about it. Like he's scared how I'll react because I already reacted negatively to him doing it at all. If he needs that I'm OK with it, but I just don't want him to leave the drawings around the house. Is there a compromise I haven't thought of? I feel like I am already compromising too much."

Special Segment: We don't have time for that!

Final Thoughts: An update on Mike.