The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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77: Artisanal Water Bitches

September 1, 2015 at 4:45AM • 1 hour 24 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about cubed coffee, old man sperm, and artisanal water bitches. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

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Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam and Erica's third year domestic partnership anniversary party.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous asks, "Erica is really cool but her twitter sucks. Can anything be done about this?"
  • Rob (Comment) asks, "Why didn't Dachis make use of the BJs pun more? I'm disappointed!"
  • Jason Q. (23/SM) asks, "Aloha! I am a poverty-stricken former college student in a predicament with a horny old man. After school I moved to Ohio for the only job I could get but thank you student loans I can't afford a good place to live on my own or with a bud. I didn't know anybody in town so I used Craigslist to find a cheap place to live and it's with this old guy (I assume mid-60s). The rent is like living with family and the house is big. I have lots of privacy if I'm in my room but I can't bring girls back and if I go into common parts of the house it's like the guy is everywhere. He takes naps so I get breaks, and if I need to escape or make food I have a good 15-20 minutes any time he uses the bathroom—very frequently. So it's not the worst, but half the time I can't shake the dude so I just hole up in my room or stay out of the house. It could be a lot worse than that and it is because the old guy is a gay pervert (no offense). He touches me if I get too close. He likes to rub my muscles. Not like I let him but he finds ways. He's old and soft so he doesn't make a lot of noise and then before I know it I can feel his raisin fingers on my biceps, just rubbing gently. It's creepy as fuck. Like at first I thought I was imagining it. Like I think that was his plan or something because he just acted very friendly before getting comfortable and then touchy and then masturbatory. I tried thinking that all of this was an obstacle life threw at me and I just needed to tough it out until the lease was up but I don't think I have the stamina for two entire years because he's jerking off to me and I know it. I can hear him call my name and then I find his briefs all crusty just out in the hallway, crumpled in a ball that really stands out because the carpet is maroon or some shit. It's like a urine-soaked snowball floating in an ocean of bloody vomit—the color of my thoughts every night when I try to sleep and I hear him moaning and screaming 'Jason, Jason, I want your cum.' And like it wouldn't be so big a deal if I couldn't hear him so I bought ear plugs but I still think about it plus I have to do laundry and he puts his crusty tightie whities in the same load as mine and then I think about his sperm floating around with my clothes and then how I do I know I'm not wearing his little babies all over me all the time now? I know they're dead and yeah but then they're his dead babies so that's not better is it?? Jesus I'm fucked up. I read over this again and I was like fuck dude, I am making excuses for this fucking pervert. How do I get out of this shit? Are there tenant laws or something so I can get a new place? And any advice on getting a new non-shitty place with a better roommate which could be basically anybody at all ever? Thanks guys, you rock!"
  • Anonymous asks, "Hey Awkward Humans, I have a pretty simple question about an awkward situation. My boyfriend has a habit of touching his penis through his pants while others are around. I'd write it off as him just adjusting himself, BUT he'll often rest his hand on his crotch or touch it a couple times in a row. I've noticed he does this less when we're around people he is less close to/comfortable with (like my housemates), but that he'll do this even when talking to/in front of his friends, housemate/close friend, or family. I find it kind of awkward, but don't know if he knows he is doing it. It happens often enough that I know some of them have to see it in their peripheral vision. I'm not sure if he does it for a "thrill" or unconsciously. So, should I just let it go or say something? Thanks for your advice!"
  • Anonymous (F) asks, "This is my situation. I work as an assistant to a pseudo-executive at a beauty products manufacturer. (I am doing the vague thing because I don't want to get fired, most likely.) My boss is very picky about lots of things. I think because she is a step up from middle management she likes to abuses her peons to make her dick feel bigger. Or she's shitbag crazy. It's one of those. You know how most assistants go on coffee runs? I go on artisanal water runs. She will not drink mass-processed water like Aquafina or Dasani. It's not 'pure' enough for her. I explained to her that most processed waters are purified through reverse osmosis and you can't get water much more pure than that, but she insists her definition of purity originates from a belief that the earth is the purest form of life and to process it is to pervert it. I was sure she'd never know the difference so I got her fancy fucking water from market and dumped it out on the street, then filled it up with a blend of Smart Water, Dasani, and Fiji just to see if she knew and she almost got it. After one sip she told me the water was different today and I thought I was fucked, but then she said that's why artisanal waters are so pure: because of their impurities. So fuck her. The next day she is not in the office and I find out she is sick. And then that goes on for a few days. She comes back in and looks terrible, like she had some kind of stomach flu. She's very confused. She doesn't get sick. Her body is a mirror of the planet. She respects her existence so illness does not affect her or some BS. So I ask her what happened and she was just SOOOO confused because all she had was her artisanal water because she starts every day with 32 ounces of artisanal water to lubricate her pathways with the blood of the earth. Half of everything she speaks sounds like a postcard from a Navajo gift store with a clinical vibe. I do not know how to communicate with this woman. Like, I don't know if I should come clean or keep my mouth shut. I told her maybe her body is weak against the toxins all around her because she never lets them in to build a resistance but she didn't go for it. I don't know if she suspects anything or not. The best idea is to keep my mouth shut, right? I don't owe this bitch anything."
  • Mathæyós asks, "Hello Awkward Humans! Mathæyós here again. I’ve decided to get into the casual sex and Fetlife scene. My first munch (kinky meet up in a public place with no sex) is on September 8th (yes, I’ll do a call with you guys afterwards if you want), and I might get invited to my first sex party at some point. The thing I was wondering about is…What’s involved with safe sex other than condoms? I know I learned this as a kid, but I deleted the information from my brain when I got engaged to make room for how to be a good husband, and then I subsequently deleted that information to make room for more Doctor Who facts. I know about dental dams (although they don’t sell them in a lot of stores—which is totally a double standard), but what else? And what about testing? This is all new to me, so I want to do it properly. I know about consent (which, honestly, I think an grown ass adults should), and play parties (read: sex parties) are usually pretty friendly and they actually explain etiquette and rules (unlike normal society, when they just expect you to know what something means, which irks me). Thanks. Addendum: I deleted the information on how to be a good husband after she left me."

Special Segment: Interview with Michael Brandt of Nootrobox, creators of Go Cubes (cubed gummy coffee!)

Final Thoughts: Cait Jenner's new costume that's all the rage. Literally, so much rage.