The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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76: Schindler's Rape Mystery

August 25, 2015 at 3:45AM • 51 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about perpetual erections, old man sperm, and Schindler's rape mystery. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Eyebrow Gel.

This Week's Questions:

  • Rob (Comment) asks, "Rob expresses his admiration for Jessica for her beliefs on blowjob freedom."
  • Stephen asks, "Dear Adam and Erica, I'm in the middle of your podcast for episode 75, and you talked about shaking after peeing. There's a song by Good Charlotte, "The Anthem", and it says that if "you shake it three times you're playing with yourself". I don't necessarily follow that rule because I believe that it takes as many shakes as necessary to get the job done without having piss on my underwear. Also, I started listening in December, and I love the podcast. It's very entertaining, and y'all do a great job. Also, I follow you on instagram, and I think it's funny that Adam likes all of his own instagram posts. Keep up the good work!"
  • Lucas asks, "Gang, for whatever reason the show notes don't show using the Overcast app. Where can I find them?"
  • Sindy (33/SF) asks, "Hey Awkward Humans. I'm wondering why my boyfriend always has an erection around me? He's in his mid-30s so it's not like he's an adolescent boy with raging hormones. Whether we're laying down and barely touching or closer, I will notice he will be almost always hard almost all of the time. In the car? That too. Do I just take it as a compliment or what??"
  • Catherine (20/SF) asks, "Aloha ladies and gentleman. I present to you the most awkward situation you ever will receive I'm pretty sure. I'm so jittery like I'm hooked on an IV of coffee right now BC ugh this is so gross to think about writing. I am super skeeved so I'm just gonna get it over with fast as I can. I had an adult sleepover with some boys and girls, including my brothers, and during this time I found out someone in the house wants to rape me. This is a legit rape—hopefully fantasy—mystery. There's lots of people to tell you about so I'm gonna make up some names. Scott and Ryan are my brothers, and they have a frat bro that let's call Brody. We grew up almost next door to Brody and we all went to the same college and all that. His family and my family are basically one family except for that Brody's family is Jewish but it's barely noticeable. Brody looks like a blonde Jesus, and I know Jesus was Jewish but he doesn't look like the kind of Jew that Hitler put in the camps, you know? I don't mean that in a good or bad way, but that he's just not a rabbi you know what I mean? I swear this matters and I'm not like obsessing about how not Jewish he is for no reason. Ugh, I should erase this. I'm sorry if I sounds anti-semestic. It's not intentional but I just don't know how to explain his non-Jewish looks. Brody's sister (Mara) was not blessed with the Aryan gene. She looks like a holocaust Jew. Like she's thin and has the nose and black afro hair. She looks like her mom. Brody looks like his dad, but he looks more like my family than his. Like there's none of his Jewish mom in him. He looks like his dad and my brother Scott had a baby and it was Brody. He's so no Jewish looking it's weird BC of his sister. It's super weird like a dog giving birth to cat and so we always joked about Brody being stolen out of my mom's womb and raised by the Jews down the street. Like oh no, the Jews stole him to drink his Christian blood and revive the antichrist. It was our thing, but now it's real awkward BC what if he is my brother? Okay I will tell you about the rape part. It's so gross ahhhh! Okay. So every year we trade houses but on August 3rd we have our adult sleepover and MST3K Schindler's List. Everyone comes up with jokes in advance and then we watch it and record the jokes. This is me, Brody, my brothers, and Mara, but also Brody's dad Gabe was there this time. Gabe does not like Schindlerfest but he lets us do it BC he knows how obsessed we are with the holocaust. I know that sounds bad but you guys get it right? Sometimes you get offended but Darren makes holocaust jokes all the time so I hesitated but I think you guys will understand that it isn't about being mean to Jews. Anyway, we all got these gray onesie pajamas that look like prisoner uniforms kinda and we wrote our lucky lottery numbers on the sleeve and then we buy lottery tickets with those numbers every year. This year Ryan bought the tickets but Brody handed them out and I put it in my pocket. I didn't look at the the ticket until I went to change and Gabe was calling out the numbers to us since we were naked. When I look at my ticket it says "I wanna rape you bad" under the numbers. Mara has really pretty handwriting but the boys don't. The words were like kinda blocky and all caps and didn't look like anybody's handwriting. I don't know who wrote it or if they're serious but it's real pervy and I'm skeeved. I'm not 100% opposed to doing a rape fantasy but not with my family. Brody is hot and looks real sexy in his onesie but he's like or maybe is my brother and that's gross so no thank you. Anyway, I need to know which boy wants to rape me or if it's Mara so I can watch my back. I think this is just a joke. I want to think that BC we have weird senses of humor but nobody has tried to tell me that or tried to rape me either and it has been weeks. What exactly do I do? I'm freaked out but more grossed out and it is very uncomfortable being around my brothers and second Jewish family BC of this note. But BC every cloud has its silver lining I would be remiss if I didn't tell you I won $50 with that lottery ticket. Most awkward lottery claim ever!"
  • Anonymous (19/GM) asks, "Hey Awkward Humans, I am a 19 year-old gay male living in my parents' home while I attend university. Since I am sexually active, I want to look into getting my first round of STD tests to make sure I'm healthy and free of any diseases. I am looking to get the full panel of testing, from herpes to gonorrhea to the big one, HIV/AIDS; however one thing stands in my way: my parents. At the moment, I am still reliant upon them for health insurance, and though I'd like to be able to take advantage of the insurance benefits, I do not want them to know that I have had a series of STD testing, as I have not come out to them as gay (as I see no reason to), and I'd prefer to avoid awkward conversations about my sex life. How do I get the testing I want without raising flags with my parents, or ideally, leaving no evidence for them to find that I had the testing? I am not opposed to spending a reasonable amount of money to get the testing, if that makes any difference."

Special Segment: None

Final Thoughts: Erica shares an open letter to Ryan Murphy.

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