The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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73: Breaking Brad: Part II

August 4, 2015 at 12:15PM • 1 hour 19 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about experimenting with mom, dad's bitchy girlfriend, and Breaking Brad: Part Two. Want to ask a question on the show? Email questions@awkwardhuman.com or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: The gang goes to the Special Olympics and to experience the pods of LA Float Center.

This Week's Questions:

  • Jen (Update) asks, "I know that you have mentioned before that you like to hear where your advice went for people, so I'd like to share a happy story with you. I wrote to you because I had a crazy roommate who was kind of losing it a little. After I had written to you I think it wasn't even a month before she finally lost it. It was the middle of the night at the apartment and my boyfriend was over and we were just falling asleep. We were startled because she was slamming doors repeatedly and screaming at/hitting her fiance. My boyfriend got the idea that we should leave and go to his place because it frankly sounded frightening. They were in the living room so we had to walk by them on the way out. Her fiance was pinning her to the floor because she was fighting him to get out of his arms to us and she was screaming that she was going to beat the shit out of us. So I called the police on her and left. So all of that aside things turned up quite quickly. You probably don't remember that I had moved 3,000 miles from home to start my career in the tech scene in SF. My boyfriend and several coworkers dropped what they were doing the next day to move all of my stuff out of that place and into my boyfriend's apartment. We've been living together ever since and a few months ago I asked him to marry me. I appreciate your advice immensely. I knew that I had to get out of there - and I should have left a lot sooner than I did, but things turned out really good."
  • Wendy (33/F) asks, "Aloha! I'm in a salty pickle at the moment and I could use some direction. I have a problem with my mother (who doesn't, amirite?). I am normal, she is 'new age.' For most of my life she'd go through religions and fads like toilet paper. 'Buddhism will make you calm down and reduce stress so you're hair won't be so dry.' 'Oranges cleanse your body of cancer. You need to eat five a day.' 'Do you masterbate regularly? I read a fascinating article about a study that demonstrated a correlation between masturbation and that restless leg you've got.' Those are basically quotes. I don't know why but the last straw was cactus juice. My mother found a pyramid scheme in the form of cactus juice and she's been hocking the shit every chance she gets. She gives me free samples every time I see her and then gets PO'd when I don't want to buy any. I don't drink it. It looks like heavily diluted cum with a green tint—like if I cactus jizzed in a glass. I keep it in all in a cooler in the garage, or I did. Two weeks ago she dropped by unannounced—part of her MO—and wanted to borrow the yoga mat she bought be when I was 24—that was NINE years ago, by the way—which I think I gave to Salvation Army or one of those places. I tell her I don't know where it is and of course she insists she'll find it so she can use it but also so I don't have to go out and buy a new one. She thinks I can't afford cactus juice because "I don't want to spend my money on that shit' translates into my mother's brain as 'my daughter is broke because who wouldn't want a refreshing glass of plant semen?' She sets off on a search for the yoga mat when she ends up in my garage and finds the cooler filled with unopened bottles of cactus juice. Maybe I had 30-some by the time she discovered my 'stash.' This did not go over well with her. My mother flipped her shit about how I never support her or try any of her interests which eventually became 'you don't love me or respect me' because she is CRAZY!!! In the beginning I tried to calm her down but then I lost my shit, too, and screamed at her about how she has a million things and I DO try them but sometimes it's too much and I have my own life that doesn't include her many unusual interests. It definitely does not include cactus juice. I ask her when she's ever done or tried anything for me and she names some things but they were things she made me do and forget it was her idea. Like every one of them. Eventually it dawns on her that she's the bitch and starts crying and apologizing like a mad woman, begging me to let her experience part of my life. Pause for a minute, because this is where things actually go bad. Please understand how PO'd she made me that day and forever up until that moment. I wasn't thinking clearly. I just wanted to call her out on her shit and COMPLETELY ignored that my mother would join a cult if she read an article about how it could improve her toenail growth. If it's in the name of betterment, she'll do it. We live just outside of Vegas (like an hour) in the city of Pahrump. Joke all you want, but the important detail is that we have legal brothels. I told my mother that because of the restless leg syndrome I stopped masturbating and swore off of sex for YEARS and it stunted my sexual growth, so a friend recommended I sleep with a woman. I couldn't find one so I went to the brothel and she helped me learn so much about who I am as a woman. This is all total shit, obviously, but her skepticism waned so so quickly. We get to the brothel and she is scarily excited about this, and—because I don't want to think about the details I'm still trying to block out—she does it. She fucks a woman. (My mother single, just by the way.) She tells me on the way back how enlightening it was and there were SO many details right away so I stopped her. I thought she was yanking my chain and called MY bluff because my mother would NEVER sleep with a woman. She may be new age but she does not eat pussy. Except she actually did. I told her to cut the shit and that I know she's fucking with me, but she tells me she's not and freaks out that I would put her through something so traumatizing just to get revenge and I'm like, mother, you are crazy. A minute ago you ate pussy and basically saw Jesus and now you're acting like I mouth-raped you by proxy. I mean, seriously. She has not forgiven me for this. I know what I did was wrong and too much but it happened and I don't know what to do about it. I love that I haven't seen her lately. Such relief. But she's my mom so I can't live the dream forever. I need to fix our relationship. I need her to be less annoying in the future. Maybe this will just take care of that for me and she'll come running back to me soon because she's so alone. I'm also paranoid that this is a long con and she knows if I feel guilty I'll let her control my life. I won't, but she maybe she thinks so. In the end, I mindfucked myself and hurt my mother and I don't know how to get out of it."
  • Jay asks, "hey guys back again with your opinion on something. So last semester I was in a poetry class and there was a classmate in that class that I was extremely attracted to (she's seriously extremely gorgeous), but I was in a relationship at the time and never pursued anything further aside from casual conversation in class and over Facebook. My dilemma is that now that I'm no longer in a relationship and have gotten over my ex - and through briefly talking in class and online, I've found that we have a lot of the same interests, particularly in music (which is a huge part of my life/college experience) and I would like to possibly try things with the poetry classmate. However, I don't have that class with her anymore since its the summer and I don't have her number, but we're connected on social media. Classes for this semester haven't started yet, so I don't know if I have any classes with her this semester, but I feel weird asking to grab coffee or lunch or even just asking for her number over Facebook. Obviously, the ideal situation is that we do have a class together and I just ask her out in person since that won't be an issue for me at all, but it's the possibility of us not having a class that is the part I want your guys' opinion on. Honestly, I'm already doubting it work out because she is way out of my league, but I barely know her and she barely knows me so who knows. I want to at least try. What do you guys think? Am I overthinking the whole thing? Thanks!"
  • Jennzi (26/SF) asks, "I'm really just looking for advice from guys. I don't get why guys are always expecting the girl to make the first move. When it comes to men and signals etc., I'm a really attractive female and most men that I encounter are 'yes' attracted to me. But even sexual encounters turn into a game of 'signals' and who knows what else. Just trying to figure out why these men are acting this way and how to read it or what not. Usually, if i go on a date with a guy and there is an attraction, some guys might make a move on me, but it's rare. Usually, the male will want me, be turned on but then we're at a stalemate—they wont' make a move or go further and expect me to make the move. It gets frustrating. Two days ago I hung out with a 'married man' for dinner. I forgot he was married and he had this at his hotel then invited me up to his room. I said ok b/c there was nowhere else to talk. He was acting excited as if 'he's getting some' and overacting. He kept saying he was 'open' to other things...and admitted he has done things with other women. The whole time he kept "STARING' at me and making loud noises as if he was turned on, sighing breathing heavy...overacting. Staring at me saying he'd rather look at me someone who's hot and not the ugly people on tv. He was 'flirting' a lot and at one point I was flirting back and he knew I was interested. But he didnt make a real 'move' on me and even when he knew I was interested. (Not sex but maybe cuddling etc.) Hours passed and we were still sitting there with him 'overacting, acting excited, attracted, hopeful.' I didn't make a move b/c I'm tired of being the one to 'make the move' and as a guy i dont get why he couldn't just say 'hey, why dont u sit next to me' (other guys do usually). I've noticed if a guy wants something to happen they'll try to make it happen and guys like this just act stupid and play games. Finally I decided I was going to leave after sitting around 3 hours (a woman in your hotel room at 3:30 isn't there just to hang out). He seemed freaked out..then said "I"LL WALK U OUT" and said "that's what I get for being the 'nice guy" and seemed regretful and even kind of upset/sad. I was the one who was upset b/c I did want something to happen but it feels weird again constantly being the one to 'make the first move.' I've had men meet me and say "you're so beautiful, how is it that no guy has snatched u up" try to hit on me and same deal—not go any further or play games. if I want anything to happen really I have to always make the first move, even the guy is sitting there horny, frustrated, and breathing heavy. I have to say 'hey do u want to do something or u seem kind of turned on' and it's so awkward and stupid. If I dont say anything nothing will happen. Its really lame and I'm not sure what not make of it...why aren't these males making a move on me like a normal guy would...many of them will try to seduce me then still not make a move. Many will enjoy sitting there sexually frustrated super turned on breathing heavy making noises and gestures and that's it. It makes no sense. Sometimes even if I sit next to them they just sit there nervous and freaked out. I asked this guy why he didn't and he said he was 'nervous' and I didn't seem into it...it could be true but if so, why did he 'freak out' when I left...he was hoping something would eventually happen...playing a sort of drawn out game. Who knows!"
  • Daniel (18/SM) asks, "I’m not sure why I waited so long to bring this up to you guys because it’s pretty fucked up and has ruined a few parts of my life. I’m gonna try to keep it short but it’s not gonna be because 10 years of your life is a long time so Adam either today is the day you start to like reading long questions or you let Erica or anyone else take this one away. My parents are divorced but it happened when I was too young to remember, so the divorce itself is not a problem, however some of the people my parents began to fuck after the divorce have ruined everything. Actually just one person. My dad’s “girlfriend” of approximately 10 years is a bit of a bitch cunt. She’s a fuckin selfish shit disturber ass whore. She used to be really nice to me at he very start back when she had blonde highlights and was slightly fat. But then she lost a bunch of weight and started dying her hair dark even though it already fuckin grows out that way and she became the only person I can truthfully say I have ever hated in my life. It all started when she would stick her rotten nose in my school agenda every night and come up with some type of rude comment for everything and everything in there. Then as I got older, she started to tell me that I have “no friends” and that pretty much everything I ever did was “gay.” And she’d say that in a homophobic way even though she’s not a homophobe – just more of an ignorant asshole. I could just be hanging out with my friends and she’d come up to us and tell us we’re all gay and losers for whatever we were doing. Every day at the dinner table she had something to bitch about whether it was something to do with me not having a job yet … at the age of 15 … even though I was searching for one, or something to do with school, or something to do with how everything I do in life is wrong wrong wrong and she’s right right right. She’s nosy and wants to know who all my friends are and all the intimate details of their lives. If this was my mother I’d be fine with it, but it is not her place to be doing any of this type of stuff. Fast forward to the present day. She’s still at it with her bitchetry. Here’s an example. I recently applied for, attended an interview for, and been awarded a position for a well sought-after opportunity in my university which is also the school that she went to, that is bound to be a blast. Her thoughts? “Oh … I thought they hired fun and socially outgoing people for that” It’s easy to say I should just not care about what she says or thinks, which is mostly true today, however she essentially ruined my whole childhood and life by instilling values in me at a young age that I hate to have. I don’t have a good relationship with any of my parents (I also have a dad, mom, and a stepdad on my mom’s side who is cool and not an asshole) because I’ve never wanted to be open with them and tell them about myself because, with her, it’s always been wrong wrong wrong. I have yet to really figure out who I am because of her, and this is a realization I’ve made within the past few months and am now breaking free from it. Anyway, here’s where it lies right now: her and my father have been together for more than 10 years, while she’s never spent the night at our house once because her parents and entire family don’t know we exist or that she even has a boyfriend, while we’ve introduced her to our family ages ago, as one should. She also lives at home and is in her mid 40’s. I have no idea what their relationship is, and I’ve brought this up to my dad so many times, and he’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to do anything about it. It could be that the way she is is a product of the environment she was raised in, possibly causing her to not share her family with us because it is more fucked up than she is, although I think it is mainly her general fear of change. She probably buried it for long enough that telling her parents would be weird – imagine telling them after 10 years? Kind of like how she bought a new iPhone outright last year and was afraid to take it out of the box for a month. Here is the advice I am looking for: there’s no point discussing trying to get away from her because I’ve explored this avenue in a million different ways, and honestly, I am quite fine with being around her. Ever since the last time this whole issue exploded in our family caused her to say “Daniel, I am okay with you saying anything you want to me,” I want to take her up on that statement. Lately I’ve found that one effective way of putting her in her place is being straight-forward and calling her out on her rudeness and annoyingness. For example, she often likes to mutter things in Italian to my dad (they both speak and understand it), yet I can always hear it, and I understand it enough to know what she’s saying. Recently she asked him a question about me in muttered Italian and I responded to the question, and she was so shocked and defensive for an entire hour, denying every bit of what she did. Needless to say, that was a fun hour for me. How can I call her out on her shit more often? I often find myself trying to be “polite” by not saying anything, because that’s just how I generally am around people, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with drawing attention to her actions. It’s “worked” in the past. Also, do you have any other advice or comments about this? I am also looking forward to hearing ways of insulting her that Darren comes up with because he is generally good at this."

Special Segment: Interview with Brett (AKA Dick Pic Dan) about getting DP'd.

Final Thoughts: Breaking Brad: Part Two.