The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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72: Fat Condoleezza Rice

July 29, 2015 at 2:30AM • 48 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about a Photoshop nightmare, waiting until marriage, and a mystery boob job. Want to ask a question on the show? Email questions@awkwardhuman.com or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Fran accidentally makes out with a port star almost twice her age.

This Week's Questions:

  • Andrew asks, "Ok, can we call this situation Breaking Brad? I feel it’s appropriate. I don’t have a question, just a request for Brad to be on the next episode because I’m dying to hear the end of his story. He should probably talk to his landlord about Mark (Darren’s Mark?) about illegally signing the lease. And maybe use tips from Lifehacker’s Evil Week to outwit Mark at his own game. I think that even though “Lizzie” has a boyfriend, her and Brad deserve to be together. P.S. I miss Darren."
  • Anonymous asks, "I think my mom got a boob job but I don't know and my brothers and sisters don't know. She's divorced and almost 50. The divorce happened a long time ago (like almost 10 years). Is it bad to ask her about her maybe boob job? Is there a polite way to bring that up? They are totally bigger than before, but maybe it's a new bra? I don't know how this shit works and I guess it's not my business but we are all confused about what happened to her boobs. Do you have any idea how to talk to your mom about stuff like this??"
  • Ellison (35/GM) asks, "I am in the midst of a spectacularly awkward situation with my boyfriend (or soon to be ex-boyfriend)? His mother is an -ist of every kind: racist, sexist, etc. Homophobic is one of them but it doesn't end in -ist, but I was trying to be creative. Oh well for me. Let's do some names so this doesn't get confusing. His mom's actual name is Bambi, and you probably have a mental picture of her already. You're wrong. She is not an air-headed porn star and rather an extra ugly and fat Condoleeza Rice. His dad is dead. Let's not get into that. Bambi acts and talks like a cartoon bigot. She invites us to her house for tea or dinner, is polite to us for about 15 minutes, and then turns to conversation into an assassination directed at me. Here's a sample I wrote down when I met her because I couldn't believe my ears (also my boyfriend's pretend name is Mika for the sake of this email): Me (trying to be polite): I was admiring your garden on the way in today. It's really beautiful. Bambi: You mean the side hedge? Me: I think so. Did I walk past it coming back here? Bambi: Yes. Me: Well it's very nice. Bambi: Those are my faggot flowers. Me: Excuse me? Mika: Mom, let's not do this right now. Bambi: You want your mama to be a liar? (Mika shuts up.) Me: I don't know what to say. Bambi: Don't say nothin then. (We're all quiet momentarily before I can't keep it in anymore.) Me: Why are they faggot flowers? I am deeply offended but I just have to know. Bambi: Cause I got a faggot who planted em. (I look to Mika for help. He raises his hand.) Me: Those are yours, Mika? (He nods.) Me: Well don't listen to her, they're very nice. Bambi: Did I say they was ugly? I don't think I said that. Me: Can we talk about something else, please? Bambi: No, I want some answers. When you gonna take the dick out of my son's mouth? He's a good boy and you messin him up. I tell him every day he's better than this but he just wants dick. Dick all the time. Dick dick dick. That's all you faggots want. Dick's like a brain tumor for faggots. Me: I don't feel comfortable here anymore. Should we leave? (I look at Mika who looks scared and says nothing.) Bambi: Yeah you leave and never come back. You got that? Me: I've tried being polite to you but this is too much. I'm sorry you don't like me, but it's not okay to treat ANYONE this way. Bambi: Do I look like I care what you think? Me: Why did you invite us over? Bambi: Wasn't my idea. (We both look at Mika with disappointment.) This was the first time I met his mother. I probably miffed some of it because I was mad and wrote it down later. It's longer but that's the juicy part. If you don't get it from that, Mika loves his mother for some reason I'll never get and wants us to get along. He doesn't get that I am trying and she is being a bitch. Well, bitch doesn't begin to describe it. She hates me because I'm Korean and gay. I think she hates the gay more but I get a lot of misappropriated Asian slurs thrown my way more than the 'faggot'-related bigotry. Now you have a picture of her and I can explain the actual problem right now. I'm a patient guy, and I love my boyfriend. He's also a gorgeous, fit black man which is quite honestly my erotic dream. Aside from his family, he is a wonderful and sexy man so I've put up with this over the last year. What may be the last straw is the gift he gave his mother for her birthday. Last March we went to his family reunion. It was essentially an outdoor barbeque in the backyard with field games like croquet and horse shoes. His mother inherited an incredibly large sum of money when his father died and she is very wealthy. Imagine an all-American uber-white Easter party but with all black people and a little Korean guy (me). That was the party. Several professional photos were taken, including one of Mika and I. Afterwards, his mother told him in earshot of me that she prayed he'd leave me before the reunion so he'd be alone in the photo. I let it go like I let all of it go because I can't change this woman. What did Mika do about it? For her birthday, he made a framed photo compilation. One was of him and her, another of the entire family, and the last one was of him and me but HE PHOTOSHOPPED ME OUT OF THE PICTURE. He gave this to his mother without telling me and when we went over for afternoon tea last week I saw it prominently displayed in the backyard on the table so I could not miss it. I was so upset I started crying in front of her and she SMILED. I am surprised she didn't lick every gay tear off my face to savor the moment. I walked out and took a taxi home. He and I have barely spoken since. I haven't given him an ultimatum because I'm afraid of the result. I think he will choose his mother over me. I don't want to break up. I love him but I don't know if I can fix this. He knows I'll never go back, so if he has a relationship with her I won't be a part of it. I don't know if that's enough. What if we get married? We've been together for almost four years and I want to get married but we can't have that conversation due to the current and ongoing circumstances. I am so lost. I'm sorry this became so sad in the end. I hope I can laugh about it someday. Now? I just need advice. Please help me."
  • Janie (27/SF) asks, "Is there any good reason to not have sex until marriage? I am not a prude, but I am totally juiced by the thought of my pussy being kept like a prize so I haven't let guys in. I tell them I'm saving myself. I'm not religious so this is hard to explain to dates, and I'm getting older too. Is this silly?"
  • Anonymous (SF/16) asks, "I am 16 and a girl. My brother is 22 and a boy. Recently he started dating this girl from college. He's level-headed and has a beautiful personality. The problem is, he has a girlfriend and I heard her talking to a friend that told her to not take her relationship with my brother seriously. Then she told her friend she's just passing the time with him. Am I supposed to tell him or just leave it be? She is using him and he should know. Maybe he would not believe me and he would tell me I'm mistaken. That may be what he says. But I am sure what I heard and this is the first girl he has shown interest in. Please tell me what to do. I just want to help my bro."

Special Segment: None

Final Thoughts: Let's listen to the most un-erotic 19 seconds of gay porn ever.