The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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65: Love and Patricide

June 9, 2015 at 3:30AM • 1 hour 16 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about a gum addiction, an unfortunate hunting accident, and frequent sexting. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard tries to avoid an erection while getting a testicular ultrasound and Erica gets aroused by a donut.

This Week's Questions:

  • Rob (Voicemail) asks, "Rob has a few thoughts and ideas to share about topics discussed in the last episode. We're not going to summarize here, but if you want to hear the related voicemail, you can download it!"
  • Mathæyós (Update) asks, "Hello, Awkward Humans! I’m just updating you on my ex. If you recall, it took me 7 months to get over her (plus therapy) and, although she didn’t want me to contact her, contacted me two other times (via Good Reads and then email). Also, a ‘friend’ (whom I have since blocked) took a screen shot of her conversion with my ex; my ex stated that she was planning on leaving me ‘for a while but felt guilty ‘. Well she contacted me again, via an anonymous Ask on Tumblr. She said “I know things aren’t the best between us, but thanks for being the best you can be.” I can’t think of anyone else who would tell me that, and that’s her typing style. She needs to woman up and contact me if she wants to talk or be friends. She must have underestimated my intelligence, because only a damn fool couldn’t tell it was her. I’m not going to take the bait or play her games. She’s not worth the trouble. And I know for a fact that she has my contact number still. In happier news, I actually managed to get a woman’s number for the first time in my life (without them just giving it to me, or taking my phone and putting their number in and me not realizing that they were flirting —if you want I can tell you the story sometime)."
  • Chris (Update) asks, "Hello awkward human professionals! I've been slacking on my podcast listening, so apologies for the long time before an update! I had another sinus surgery (my sympathies Adam! Been there before, and it SUCKS!) and started my summer courses (Returning to college as an adult is fun, said no one ever...) so I've been busy, but that's just an excuse. Any how, update time. So the guy that I started dating in my last update (the one that makes way more money than me also known now as Mr. J) and I broke up on Friday, but I saw it coming so I wasn't surprised. I think he was surprised I wasn't surprised if that makes sense. We're still friends, but just plutonic friends. So now I'm back on the market, again. Also, the guy that I was confused about what to do with (aka the guy I asked about in my first correspondence), Mr. S as I'll call him, wants to get an apartment together. Exciting, but I'm also cautious given his past roommate situation. He says this is different as he knows me much better than he did his last roommates, and feels more comfortable with me. I don't know. I'm just worried it might destroy our friendship and he'll pee in my shampoo (a real thing that he did to his last roommates!). Also, I like where I live currently and if he decides to break his lease and move out early, I'll be the one stuck holding the hot potato in an apartment I may not enjoy as much, or be able to afford frankly! What do you experts think? Also, for Darren, my tarot skills have been progressing, slowly... I'm using the Gilded Tarot deck. Thinking I may move over to a Rider-Waite deck, but I've been getting good results from my current deck. It correctly predicted my friend's impending job loss among other things... Your fellow tarot enthusiast and coworker, Chris"
  • Dan (26/GM) asks, "Apologies if this is a long one… A quick backstory: About 5 years ago I decided to finally break out of my shell and started looking for guys to hookup with after being unhappy for so long pretending to like women. I had 1 or 2 Craigslist hookups (ew, I know) before finding my current husband on a dating website ( - ManHunt bought them I think). In other words, my man sex pool is small. My husband, on the other hand, went through his whole slut phase and got to do fun and crazy things with many different guys. I was jealous of his past hookups at first, but am not anymore. Jealous as in I was jealous he got to experience that, not that other people hooked up with him. Now on to more recent events. I’ve always been a big sexter (as seen from a previous episode - ask Richard). I enjoy talking sexually, sending pics, and going into some detail about it during the day; Sometimes to get my mind off of work for a minute. My husband has always known I do this, but he’s obviously never liked it. And he’s made it known he doesn’t like it. The issue dropped off for awhile until recently when he went through some of my texts and we got in a BIG fight over it. My argument was it’s like interactive porn for me. He sees it as a more intimate thing. We’re good now, but I’m not so sure I’m 100% happy with the compromise. I think regardless I need to calm down with the sexting with other dudes. But he agreed to sext more, period. Only problem is, he sucks at it. He just isn’t creative enough for it. I’ll get something like “Yeh suck on my big fat juicy cock”. And, I mean, I guess that IS a sext by definition. It just doesn’t do the same thing for me. I need more playful banter rather than just coming right out and saying stuff. Or maybe it’s because I like the thrill of sexting other guys and it doesn’t excite me when it’s my husband? I’ve also tried pushing him to sext other people, because it really doesn’t bother me. But he always uses the line “you’re the only one for me” or something like that. He’s always said I should go out and hookup to get it out of my system, but I’m not a fan of that idea. So we had a few threesomes instead. That way we’re both involved. Buuut I never got off during any of those, even though the whole thing was my idea. We don’t actively look for a third anymore, but are okay if it randomly comes up. I’m going off on a tangent here… Is it bad for me to want to sext other dudes even though I’m married? Am I weird for being okay (and slightly wanting) him to sext other dudes as well?"
  • Suzanne (32/SF) asks, "I just got engaged (yay!) and am so excited to get married. Finally! But my dad never liked my fiancée because my fiancée shot him once. It was a hunting accident and my fiancée didn't want to go hunting at all, but I pushed him to go because he could bond with my dad. Well, my bad because he wasn't very good at it. My fiancée is very manly and plays lots of sports, but he is not a violent person and did not want to shoot anything but said he'd do it this once for me. He eats meat so it's not like he's against killing. He just doesn't like being violent. The bullet just grazed my dad's leg and the injury was very small, but my dad is still mad about it. He was angry in the beginning because he said it was where all the good veins are for bypass surgery that he's gonna need in 10 years. Well it's been almost 5 years and no heart attack so whatever dad. I don't know what he's still mad about. My fiancée is very charming and everyone else gets along with him but my dad still thinks he isn't good enough for me and I don't get that since EVERYONE loves him including me the most. I have complained about it to my dad but he doesn't even listen, so what can I do? He's supposed to walk me down the aisle but he refuses to have anything to do with the wedding and all from one bullet that basically didn't hit him. How can I make him get over it??"
  • Greg (26/SM) asks, "Hey there guys, girls, and whatever Dachis is now. My girlfriend is addicted to bubble gum. By that what I'm saying is she is chewing it all the time and it's sugar free (thank god) but it's in her mouth more than it's not. She goes through a pack a day in my estimation. If I want to make out, the gum stays in her mouth. She puts it in the back usually but sometimes it slips out or I can feel it if my tongue ends up over there accidentally. I try to avoid licking or touching the gum but then I'm preoccupied with the gum and not my girlfriend. I asked her to take the gum out when we're making out and she didn't want to waste it so we compromised and now she'll finish her piece of gum before making out but there are still two problems. For one, sometimes she says there isn't gum in her mouth and I'm almost 99% positive that I felt SOMETHING in there more than once. For two, I get annoyed by all the gum chewing because she's like a chain smoker and just pops in another piece when she's done with the last one. Sometimes she just adds pieces so she has a giant piece and then starts over after three or four pieces. She also chews with her mouth open in a medium way most of the time. When I'm with her I just feel like our relationship is about gum now because she's always chewing it and now I'm always thinking about it. She never ever shares with me either. She will, loathingly, if I ask but otherwise she keeps it all for herself. So what should I do? She's barely younger than me (I'm 26, BTW) and we've been together for eight months. All the other problems we have are little things I don't really care about, and the sex is great because she will spit out the gum eventually so we can bang (and she's kinda freaky). No question she loves the gum, but I just want her to not have to love it for every minute of our lives. I just started seeing a therapist because my brother died last month and we talked about this a little and everything the therapist says about sharing my feelings sounds dumb. Example: 'I know you love gum a lot, but I feel left out when you're chewing gum instead of being present in the moment with me.' That is not something I'd say ever because it's fucking stupid. So if you got any better ideas I could use them."
  • Warren (24/M) asks, "I have a friend you can call Robert and he loves animals too much. I think he is sexually attracted to my dog. The signs are as follows:
    • He lets my dog lick inside his mouth.
    • He begs to take care of my dog when I'm out of town.
    • He offers to walk my dog when I don't have time or if I want to get another walk in.
    • When he holds my dog (she's small), he always holds her with one hand underneath her vagina. I mean his arm goes around the top and underneath and the hand just cups the vaginal area.
    • Sometimes he becomes so interested in my dog that he doesn't listen to me when I'm talking and apologizes because my dog is so cute.
    Robert is a good guy. He doesn't own any pets so I admit the possibility that he is just enthusiastic about other people's pets. My friends and I joked about him and the signs I mentioned above but nobody took it seriously until he watched my dog last and when I came back home they were wrestling and Robert was in his underwear. I couldn't tell if he had a boner but this just seems weird to me. He was a little surprised to see me but then acted natural. Obviously I can't ask him if he's banging my dog or whatever so what can I do about this?"

Special Segment: Interview with the creator of the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant. Last year we interviewed 2014's winner, so check that out, too!

Final Thoughts: Richard tells us about a My Little Pony doll you can fuck (and about the people who want it).