The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

64: Arby's Girl

June 2, 2015 at 3:30PM • 60 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're choosing between two women, defining "farting etiquette," and sanitizing male sex toys. Want to ask a question on the show? Email questions@awkwardhuman.com or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: We're going to see Aloha the movie and Daniel struggles with accidentally accepting a gay date and getting shockhammered (those are separate issues, despite what it sounds like).

This Week's Questions:

  • Lazlo Whitacre asks, "I'm sorry about submitting this so late, and that it isn't even a voicemail. I'm a gay man thats going to go by Lazlo Whitacre, who enjoys going to a very specialized college in rural missouri and is about to turn 21. I had a medium distance boyfriend who I met up with on the weekends when I was free. I was planning on spending more time with the boyfriend this summer now that I'm back in a larger city. However, when I finally got in town we broke up for the natural reason I have a hard time respecting his choice of major. I'm a very technical person. This is where it takes a very "secret life of the american teenager" turn, we had actually never had sex before, and me personally not ever. I was planning on it when I got back in town, so I held off orgasming for the last two weeks of school while I was quite busy. Now it's been four weeks and it's getting a bit unbearable after being used to nightly masturbation sessions. I had inadvertently set a goal that I wouldn't until I had sex with someone, and it's hard for me to throw that out a window. The question is, now should I find a hot piece of meat off the street, or just jack off and then eat a tub of ice cream? I hope this falls under the scope of the awkward human survival guide podcast, but I 100% understand this doesn't make it into any podcast, let alone the one being recorded today. I have been listening and enjoying since the beginning of grandma's email address, so thank you for keeping this podcast alive!"
  • Ethan T. (SM/28) asks, "I'm single and 28. I live in a small apartment complex across the street from an Arby's. There's this girl who works there and comes in during the morning and I see her through the window a lot. Sometimes she looks at me, but the other day I caught her peeping at me when I was naked and searching for my wallet. I'm 100% sure she wanted to be looking and it wasn't coincidence. She's 20 and very cute, so should I approach her about sex? I'm I entitled to ask her? I just want to fuck her and not lead her on and it looks like maybe she would be into it, but am I being rude. I've been accused of not thinking of other people before. Friends, lovers. I just don't really get into relationships because I'm not good at them and right now I'm working on my career. But a man has needs and if she's down I am. I just don't want to piss her off or get into trouble. Thoughts? Ideas?"
  • Jerry asks, "Currently I'm in a sort of a dilemma. So I'm a college student and in a major of course, a girl in my cohort for my curriculum I have a crush on. I didn't pursue anything for a while since she started off the school year with a boyfriend. This past semester I had a class with her and she mentioned how she had just gotten out of a relationship. I then knew that she might be more open to a relationship but wanted to give her time. I waited a solid month until I did anything, I then asked her out for coffee and she was more then willing to come. Schedules got busy however and it didn't happen after trying to reschedule several times. I worked on a group project in and course and the girl in the group called out me privately asking if I had a crush on the said girl "Kathryn". I admitted that yes I did and she kept urging me to ask her out. It was towards the end of the semester and I knew unless she was in town over the summer it wasn't neccesarily realistic or fair to her to pursue, One weekend I went home from school. I came back and three of my friends mentioned "Kathryn" and meeting her friend Rebecca, throughout the week it seemed several friends of mine knew both Kathryn and Rebecca almost as if it was a sign or the world was mocking me. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. A friend (guy) and I were heading to dinner. At the corner I looked behind me and Kathryn was right behind me with her roommates. As we crossed the street and were walking we made small talk about classes and summer, nothing profound but it was a harmless conversation. Once we got to Walgreens they found other people they knew and stopped. Immediately Kathryn's roommate Rebecca introduced herself to me again. She then said "now I have an excuse to message you on FB". We then parted ways, exchanged Facebook messages, then numbers. Although after that point we haven't met we seem to have some things in common. Similar music interests and I could see us being good friends, that's Thenthings though, I don't like Rebecca, I like her roommate Kathryn. I don't want to ruin a potential friendship yet would really want to date Kathryn. How do I proceed? Help!"
  • David (19/SM) asks, "I'm new to college. I got a single and it is going to waste cuz I am single and am not getting laid. I go to a school with lots of geeks and tho everyone says geeks are horny that's not true for me. Sucks, and I'm sick of masturbating so I got a flesh light cuz that's better than mr. righty. But that gets lube and cum in it and I gotta wash it in the shower cuz the dorms sinks aren't private and it takes like five minutes and then the guys are like what are you doing in there cuz they think I'm jacking off. So is there a sex toy that you don't have to clean for so long or at all? I don't have a dishwasher, I thought of that."
  • Anonymous (SF) asks, "I have a question about 'farting etiquette.' Basically, what's the right way to handle farts when they just happen and there are other people. When I gotta let one out, I go in the bathroom or outside for some relief, but that doesn't always work. Sometimes they keep coming and I can't leave the room forever because people are around or I'm in a place I can't leave, like a musical. I know everybody farts but I don't want to smell farts from other people and the sound is embarrassing. Sometimes it's practically disruptive, like in a movie or a karate match (I drink a lot of coffee and my brother does a lot of karate, so it happens to me a lot and you know what little boys are like about farts). What do you do about farts when you're on a date? What if your mom is a pastor and she is giving a sermon and she needs to fart or I do while I'm listening? You get what I'm getting at, I hope. There are a lot of situations where farts are a problem and if anyone has thought about this it's you guys. Aloha."
  • Anonymous asks, "Approximately how much lube would it take to 'fuck everything'?"

Special Segment: Daniel, our no. 1 fan, joins us in an unprecedented episode.

Final Thoughts: Richard discovers toilet fucking.