The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

63: I Pity the Fool

May 26, 2015 at 4:30PM • 58 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about getting over your ex, monogrammed sex towels, and rule 34. Want to ask a question on the show? Email questions@awkwardhuman.com or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Jessica gets shamed at Walgreens for developing nude photos.

This Week's Questions:

  • Matt (27/GM, Update) asks, "Okay. So the parallels keep piling up. I left this put because it didn't seem important at the time. So that night he had spent the night but I had work in the morning. I tried waking him up but he wouldn't get up so, like an idiot, I just went to work a few blocks from my house. I was nervous about a stranger being at my house with my roommate so I went home on my lunch break to ask him to leave. I open the door to my room and he didn't even startle. He was just fully naked and masturbating and didn't stop but just made direct eye contact. I told him he needs to go and he did eventually but he finished first. He texted me yesterday and wants to hang out this weekend but I think after your story I'll take the same route and back out."
  • J (21/SM) asks, "Hey guys, a little follow up from my last question. The girl I was seeing for around 3-4 months that wanted to break up because she was having second thoughts, did in fact, break up with me (mutually, I guess) and it’s been about 4 months since that happened. However, I’m in a new dilemma. I just can’t get over this girl and I have no idea why. There are days that I have no intention of even wanting to get back together with her and then there are days where I can’t stop thinking about her. I have no idea how to get out of this rut either. We don’t talk as much as we used to, for obvious reasons, but even with that I still see her on Facebook/Twitter etc and that normally sets me off down the path of falling for her again. What should I do? I don’t think I can necessarily cut her out of my life just because she means so much to me and we’ve been so close as friends (and partners) for over a year now. The days that I feel like I have moved on are great because I feel like I can start dating again, but then I psych myself out of it because any of the theoretical girls aren’t going to be her."
  • Dave (32/SM) asks, "I love my girlfriend and planned to propose to her but now I am having second thoughts for what I know is a bad reason. We got drunk the other night and talked about how bad high school was and were laughing until she told me how she let three guys buttfuck her and come inside without condoms. She's okay STD-speaking and psychologically. She knows it was dumb. She was saving herself for marriage back then and fell victim to the butt-logic that many young sexually undereducated devout Christian women do. Now she's given up Jesus and we have a great, faithless relationship. I want to marry her but I can't get over her getting her butt gangbanged in high school. I know this is ancient history but it happened at a party when she was drunk and so other people were in the house when she was doing this. It's okay that she had a sex life before me (that doesn't bother me at all and it shouldn't) but it's that she did it with guys she doesn't know and wasn't safe and was really irresponsible. It made me feel like I don't know her, and because she obviously will still get drunk (because we did) it worries me what she might do. Do you have any advice on getting over this?"
  • Kevin (26/GM) asks, "Just got an apartment with my boyfriend. We talked about it all before we moved in, like what furniture stays and goes and how to organize the refrigerator and all the money stuff. I really thought we'd gotten it all done until a couple of weeks in he wants to start decorating. I have my art and he has his music posters and we told each other what we had to have on the walls and decided where to put them. I thought that was it, but then he starts going on about all this faggy couple shit he wants to do like 'his and his' towels. I love him and am not shy about it. I would suck him off in the town square if he wanted, but I don't want all this sentimental lovey dovey crap. People come over and see that and are like, 'oh, they're that couple that's just got to shove their happiness in everyone's face.' And that is what it is. Those towels and couple portrait photos and matching robes are not for us. They are for other people to see how happy we are and it's not their business. We're not always happy. I love him and he's awesome and I think I'm pretty awesome. We make each other feel good, but we're like any couple and we bitch at each other and piss each other off, too. It's just a lie. Obviously I did not get a couples portrait with him, but he already bought the robes and the towels. We have a money pool for move in expenses and he used some of that. We had extras but it was supposed to pay for window cleaner and garbage bags, not stupid embroidered hand towels. Of course he can't return them. I want to throw them away except that's a waste and now I feel like I'm the asshole. But he spent our money on something stupid without consulting me. So this is our first problem as a live-together couple. I don't want it to end bad, but I don't want to back down because what else is he going to do? The other thing is we have a BDSM-style sex life. It's mild, but he's the dom and I'm the sub exclusively. Great in the bedroom, but sometimes he lets this translate into reality when he wants to win an argument and I'm like, fuck no, that's pretend and this is a real issue. But he brings this shit into the bedroom and that's why I'm writing because it set me off. He used the hand towel as a gag and then fucked me. It's complicated because it was really hot but I was also really angry about it right after. You know how you get turned on by sex and then basically you think everything is hot until you cum and then you're like, gross, what did I just do? It's like that and I could still taste the towel so it was hard to get out of my head for awhile. Blah blah blah, sorry this is long. Do you have any ideas about what to do with him? I don't want him to buy more stupid couple shit I don't want and I don't want him to bring it into the bedroom, but he thinks I'm being silly and won't take this seriously."
  • Jodie (SF/34) asks, "My boyfriend really wants a threesome but it makes me really uncomfortable. He wants it even with a guy or girl, it's up to me. He just has the fantasy and wants to fulfill it. I think he thinks that if I have a two guy threesome I'll want to do a two girl threesome for him. But it feels like he doesn't care about me because he wants to have this other girl there that we don't know or one of his friends he says wants to fuck me and it's flattering I guess but it feels like he's having an affair in front of me. I feel crazy about this, like I'm overreacting. Lots of people do this but I'm almost having a panic attack when I think about it. I don't know why. How can I calm down and get more comfortable with the idea of threesomes? I'm scared he'll cheat on me if I don't say yes and I don't want that but I'm not comfortable with this now and I don't know how to be. So do you know what to do? Relationship stats: - Me: 34, straight - Him: 27, straight (I think) - Love: Yes for almost 2 years - Together: 2 and a half years - Live together: Yes for 4 months"
  • Jessica (23/SF) asks, "Don't assume there's anything wrong with my vagina, it's fine. It's not too wet or wide, but I can't keep a penis in it. They slip out ALL THE TIME when I'm having sex. The penises aren't too small. Some are bigger than others but it happens no matter what size they are. It happens less when I'm on top but is worse in all the other regular positions (I don't do reverse cowboy or other tantric crap, I gotta deal with this first). So I dunno. I think it's got something to do with getting into the sex and going hard. More speed = more penis slips. Life ain't perfect, but it's frustrating because this happens too much. Do you guys got any tips on keeping dicks inside vaginas?"
  • Miguel (19/SM) asks, "I'm going on a camping weekend with a girl. We're dating but not exclusive. She said sex stuff is gonna happen, but just oral. Is that what she means or is this a test? In my experience girls like to give these kinds of tests."

Special Segment: None again, but sex therapy and the small penis pageant are coming soon probably! Also, Daniel will join us next week.

Final Thoughts: Rule 34.

Related Links:

  • Ryan Winter Fucks Derek Jones for a Fare: Derek Jones called in UDER to take him to the gym. Super fucking sexy Ryan Winter got the call and headed to pick up Derek. When picked up, the two shared some small talk before Derek was at his final destination. As Ryan tried to run Derek’s card, it kept coming back denied. Without another card or cash to pay Ryan, Derek was begging for free ride just this one time. Ryan wasn’t having it and told Derek he’d have to take him to the police station unless there was a different way they could work this out. Hesitant at first, Derek finally agreed on an alternative payment to avoid going to jail for the night. SPOILER ALERT: This is Derek Jones' debut bottom scene.
  • Mr. T's Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool: Recouping: This is how to get your styling on from Mr. T's 1984 classic "Be Somebody ...or Be Somebody's Fool!" Learn how to channel your inner b-boy.