The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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62: Sex Karate

May 19, 2015 at 5:45PM • 1 hour 4 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about stupid dealbreakers, an affair with a smartphone, and erotic punching. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: One of our fans sent Richard a dick pic, and Adam commends him for it.

This Week's Questions:

  • Jeanine (26/SF) asks, "Okay guys, I need you to tell me what's wrong with me and don't hold back. Guys always break it off with me. I get a month at most and then they dump me and I have no clue why they do it (like, on the whole). One guy got annoyed with my choice in underwear because it was too boring and he said he didn't want to date me anymore because I wasn't open to what he needed sexually (I guess sexier underwear?). Another guy dumped me after we got in an argument because I insisted we stop and buy a meal for a homeless teen. Blaaarg, just here's a list:
    • I used LOL in a text message at the wrong time and he got offended.
    • I have divorced parents and he said he couldn't marry a girl like that even though we were not talking about marriage at all obviously!
    • I got more likes on Facebook posts than he did (I am intuiting this one but we argued about that and then he broke up with me the next day).
    • I asked him to go to an erotic fiction book reading with me and he called me a pervert and then never responded to my calls or texts again.
    • My cat puked while we were having sex and seemed really sick so I took her to the vet and he even went with me and was so caring, but then told me after he didn't want to go out anymore.
    • I like football too much. Like fine, but what guy has a problem with that?
    • He farted during dinner and was so embarrassed he had to leave. He literally said this and then blocked me on his phone in front of me and left me to pay the check.
    I know all these guys are crazy but this happens so much to me that it must be something I'm doing, or maybe I need to move (I live in New Hampshire in a liberal town). Anything jump out at you guys?"
  • Anonymous (SM) asks, "I decided to date my girlfriend two years ago and we are together now still. She is mostly attractive and fun to be with. We say I love you and I feel like I love her but I'm not sure. She is not the girl of my dreams. There is lots of stuff that we don't have in common and disagree about like financial things and that she doesn't like movies. I know not everyone is perfect and I know the girl of my dreams won't be, but she's not her. But I also don't want to dump her because I think I do love her. Is that enough or should I start looking for other girls to date?"
  • Ryan (SM) asks, "My girlfriend is too needy. She wants to talk to me 24/7. But I have other work to do than talk to her all day. But if I say that to her, which I did, she says that work is more important to me than her and gets upset. I love her, but I also value my time and work. What should I do in order to make time for work but also not upset my girlfriend?"
  • Matt (27/GM) asks, "Hey guys! I’m a 27 year old gay male in Seattle. So I was broken up with via text about 2 months ago after a not long but not short, not super intense relationship. Despite that, I was still a little broken up mostly due to the break up method and clear disrespect towards me. Fast forward 2 months to the eventual rebound hook up. So I had met this guy on okcupid and physically was my type but he honestly seemed like the worst. Just like fucking mall rat trash but I mean I used to wear hot topic when I was in high school so I shouldn’t judge too much, right? He is significantly younger (19) but world traveled and comes off much older than his age. He’s from Hong Kong studying here in Seattle. I should have known to back out when he wanted our first time to meet to be at the mall. We (he) went shopping at American Eagle. For fucks sake, why haven’t I ran away? (answer: dick). Finally we decide to come back to my place and watch a movie. After a few drinks things got grabby and we took it to the bedroom. What was once a bubbly, overly happy 19 year old Chinese boy in an American Eagle hoodie became a fucked up dungeon master. Like in the middle of sex he just punched me in the face and told me I was going to be his bitch. At this point I’m like okay I didn’t consent to that punch and I’m so confused. After the fact…I kind of liked it but the disconnect between him IRL and him in bed may be too much. And now he just texts me about deals he’s getting on airline miles. He’s the worst. My question is how many times is acceptable to hook up with an awful person if you enjoy the sex? Like I’m kind of into the weird dynamics of being dominated by someone so much younger than me but also he sucks. Yours truly, Matt"
  • Maggie (29/SF) asks, "Apologies in advance for the 'dumb' question. Aloha. My boyfriend loves me to tears and I feel the same way about him. We moved in together last year after our second anniversary. We have great sex and he's the best companion, however he wants to go off the grid. Not live-in-bumblefuck off the grid, but no more smart tech. That means no smartphones or even cellphones. He wants to get a landline. He wants no computers in the house but because I need one for work he says he'll tolerate a desktop computer that has its own room. I don't know where this came from. One day he came home and started throwing away his technology (by throwing away I mean he put it in a bag to donate, he's not that crazy). He said to me he's seen so much disconnection from life happening all around him because of phones and computers that he doesn't want that. He is literally told me that he's afraid of losing me because I will disconnect from our relationship and spend more time with my phone than him. To him, losing me doesn't mean me leaving him or whatever, but that I'll eventually get overwhelmed by tech and change and not be the girl he loves. Obviously that is insane, but I get it a little. I don't use my phone when we're together, though, and I pretty much only pull it out around him (or in general) if we're doing nothing. He told me he wants to live a 'dumb' life and not a 'smart' one, which is literally what his plan sounds like: a dumb life. I sincerely do not mind giving up phone time in the house and he knows, but he still thinks that's not enough. He wants no phones and no other tech in the house. His only concession is the computer but he wants me to get a different job so I don't need it. He thinks he's being reasonable because he's 'willing to wait' for two years for me to shift into a different job that doesn't require home computer use. I'm a technical writer. I write manuals and guides for products. I can't do that on a pad of paper. I'd like to write a novel someday, or do something more creative with my writing, but I will still need to use a computer at home sometimes. I swear to you he isn't crazy in every other way of his being. I do not understand why he's acting like this and I'm really just hoping for insight from you guys, or if not that some jokes so I can stop freaking out about it. It's not that he wants to get rid of our smart tech, but that he is so adamant about it. He isn't controlling. He isn't like this at all in any other way and this is very new for him. I have asked him over and over why this is so important and he can barely give me a reason other than what I said already. The technology he's so scared of tearing us apart isn't what's tearing us apart. It's him acting this way. I love him and want to be with him and it's not like he's going on about this all day and night. It just comes up frequently during the week and I have to hide when I'm doing tech-related things to avoid an argument. I feel like I'm having an affair with my cellphone and I don't know what to do. He won't go to therapy, he won't talk to me about it, and I know this will ruin our relationship if it continues for too long. What the fuck should I do?"
  • Emily (22/SF) asks, "I met this cute guy at a Cinnabon and my friends left my number for him. He called and texted me that night and took me on a date and kissed me for whole minutes. And for about a whole week we hung out and he told me he was ready for commitment with me and I said the same. And then a few days later we didn't really talk very much bc he was stressed out over work and then he said that he wanted to go slower. I agreed that was fine, so I figured that meant we were over bc I am leaving for five months and he sorta knows that. But the next day he called me and ranted like crazy about work and these girls who hit on him but he disses them. He said he's bothered by other girls, but not me. This left me confused. Then I would text him and our conversations would be short and weird. It's been 4 days since we last talked and I don't know if I should text him or no. I mean I really feel like this could go somewhere but I don't want to pressure him or seem desperate. Should I try and initiate conversation again and see where it goes, or is that a bad idea?"

Special Segment: Do we even do these anymore? Maybe someday!

Final Thoughts: Darren takes us to a vintage erotic poster auction.