The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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61: Boobs, Floaters, and Other Toilet Goodies

May 12, 2015 at 2:00PM • 1 hour 8 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about an unquenchable thirst for sex, toilet porn, and weaponized vacuums. Want to ask a question on the show? Email [email protected] or call 323-456-3345 to leave us a voicemail.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: The various fun moments throughout Adam's post-op recovery.

This Week's Questions:

  • James asks, "Hi Awkward Humans (and fellow coworkers), At the end of episode 60, IUD Girl mentioned her fear that a glass dildo would break. I know a bit about this, strangely, because I'm a patent lawyer. You can get a patent on lots of surprising things. In 2000, the patent office issued a patent on a "rod... fabricated of a generally lubricous glass-based material containing an appreciable amount of an oxide of boron": the modern glass dildo. A few years later, the inventors sued dildo manufacturer Topco for infringing the patent. The judge decided that Topco did indeed steal the dildo technology. In 2009, the highest patent court wrote an opinion talking all about that decision. It was kind of a high profile case. It turns out, the patent wasn't valid. But to reach its opinion, the court discussed these new-fangled glass dildos. They are are made from borosilicate glass.That kind of glass is "resistant to heat, chemicals, electricity and bacterial absorption." Most magically, it doesn't need as much lube to become slippery as other kinds of glass. The point of all this is that borosilicate glass is well known (at least among patent lawyers) for being extremely tough; it is super hard to break. When broken, it snaps into large pieces (as opposed to shattering). It also can move from cold environments to warm ones without being damaged. Pyrex used to be made out of borosilicate glass (although it's now made of cheaper, more fragile,soda-lime glass). So you can let IUD girl know that there's really nothing to fear. I suspect you have far more interesting things to talk about, but feel free to read this as long as you leave my last name off. I include a copy of the glass dildo patent. Love your show, James (36 years old, straight cis-gender male, married) "
  • Daniel (18/SM) asks, "Okay so I’m not sure what the fuck is going on but over the past few days the normal narrative voice in my head – you know the one that we all have – has been replaced by Erica and the usual tone of voice and hysterical laughing that she uses when reading Janet’s questions. Also whenever I read things it’s that same voice, and sometimes it pauses to hysterically laugh at things that aren’t even funny. My whole life is now Janet’s prose, read in the style of Erica Elson. Others have caught me smiling out of nowhere a few times. I think that me listening to various segments of Erica talking over and over again, not to mention listening to the final product nearly four times from start to finish may have had something to do with it. There are certain parts that I have memorized word for word. Also when I’m falling asleep at night I keep hearing hallucinations of various quotes from the episodes – including ones I feel surprised having remembered. What should I do? The more these voices are in my head (I don’t literally hear them except for when falling asleep, just to be clear), the more I want to keep re-listening."
  • Janet asks, "Are you familiar with a cum dumpster? Because I fuckin am. I was dead wrong in my last letter when I thought Rebecca didn’t care about Reagan dying (the dog I mean, and for my own sanity I am assuming she didn’t kill the bastard). She didn’t cry or have a funeral or whatever, but she has fucked so many dudes I bet her vag looks like a broken jar of sour milk. Probably smells like it too. She goes to drink all night, and now in the morning she comes to my office and I’m like “how many?” and she tells me about all the dicks she put in whatever holes they wanted to go in. If she gets pregnant because she’s NOT using condoms that baby’s gonna have a few hundred fathers. She’s still dating that douche, by the way, who I guess likes her fuckin around? I don’t get it but I don’t ask. She just can’t fuck the pain away because now Reagan (the ex, not the dog) is back. She tells me she was at Chaparral and Reagan’s working the zamboni and she wants to know what to say to him because she’s still traumatized from their relationship. I asked her if it was butt fucking-related and that was a problem but that’s not why. You know that saying where it goes something like if you love someone you can laugh at their farts? After awhile together Reagan farted in front of her and she freaked out. Rebecca hadn’t said a thing about me until then and so Reagan was kind of insensitive because it was so many years ago he didn’t get it. Rebecca says he said “get over it bitch” but I think she fuckin eggagerated the shit out of that. But anyway they still stayed together but he kept farting to try to warm her up to the farts but she just got angrier and angier and threw a vacuum at him and it punctured a lung. Don’t ask because I don’t fuckin know, but imagining it’s just a dirt devil helps me wrap my head around it. So that ended the relationship, just later in the hospital after he wasn’t dead. So I wrote all that shit and then forgot to finish and send it last week but I have more shit to tell you now. Rebecca talked to Reagan and Reagan said he still thinks she’s a crazy bitch and hates her and Rebecca thinks he’s an asshole and he asked for it. Then he threatened to rape her (for real, not with farts) if she didn’t shut the fuck up and she said she’d bite his dick off if he did. So he chased her around the fuckin rink (the outside, not on the ice) to rape her I guess and she grabbed an ice skate from some kid and threatened him with it and then left before it got bad. I don’t know if this really happened because how, with people there. I think sometimes that she’s a fuckin schizo and Reagan isn’t real and she made him up for attention. My husband agrees with me here, for once. That’s all something but here is why it matters to me. Rebecca wants me to go to Chapperal with her and kick the shit out of Reagan and get him fired. Not sure how those work together, but here’s the thing. I need to know if he’s real. I need to know if I’m now the best friend of a fuckin schizo fuck because safety. Also I could get her out of my life. If she’s whacked up she needs to take medical leave and get fuckin medicated and whatever. Therapy. You can’t run a division of a startup when you’re fuckin crazy, right? But I postponed it all for now because I am looking at the safety angles. What if I get fucked when she decided to bite his dick off while I’m there? But I could also stop her from fuckin us both. I don’t want her to go to jail, just a mental hospital. She might be good at jail though. I think it’s okay for me to be there. I can protect both of them from throwing shit at so many fans. But also I am I losing my mind? Am I fucked up now? I want to go, and am part of her life all the time. I thought I couldn’t extricate myself from this fuckin shit show but my husband talked with me and thinks I should. But this will eat me inside if I don’t know about Reagan so I think I should at least go one last time. I won’t ask you what you think because you’ll say anyway plus I won’t listen to you. And yes, I did call Chapperal and they said there is no Reagan employed there. That is why I need to see this for myself, godammit. Before I call this one, I know you guys keep talking about me being real and normally I don’t address that kind of shit because I don’t give a shit, but we’re pals so I’ll waste my time here. I am a real woman, I am crass, and I get how fucked this story sounds. I don’t doubt I exaggerate some shit. When this shit dies its slow death I’ll call and leave you a voicemail. At this very moment I don’t want to put myself at risk. My real name is Janet but as Adam knows I have been using a pseudo-pseudonym in my email. I don’t want Rebecca (fake name) to know about this. I have changed some details. Reagan isn’t Rebecca’s ex dog and boyfriend’s real name, but the real one is a fuck ton more ridiculous. I hope you get it, but I also don’t care. I dearly appreciate you all offering me an outlet for my bitching, and you like my story. So that’s what this is for now."
  • Melissa (20s/SF) asks, "I'm a straight woman in her 20s with a crazy straight woman roommate also in her 20s. She just sucks. Tons of stomping late at night. She's gross as hell. She leaves hair everywhere. She's got guys coming through the apartment at all hours. I don't care if she's a slut but one guy just pooped in our toilet and left it there for me to find. I want to move out but we have a lease, so what can I do about her? She insisted on keeping Christmas ham until March when I just through it out and she was mad. Also on Christmas she called me and made me go into her room and hide her drugs, which I so regret doing because maybe it would've gotten rid of her. So what should I do?"
  • Mattheous (25/SM) asks, "Hi, Awkward Humans. It’s me again, Mathæyós. I'll try to be brief (but I'll probably fail). I am on a medication called lamictal for seizures. I can't go off of it. The problem is, it causes my sex drive to sky rocket. I looked it up online and some people are calling it the new Viagra (I don't have any problems in this area. It wasn't a problem when I was in a relationship, but now... It’s gotten so bad that I've looked into highering an escort or booking a... Private room at a strip club (I know that sex happens at these clubs. An ex-stripper was talking about it on Reddit; she provided verification that she used to be a stripper in here AMA). I don't like bars or clubs, and dating websites don't work for me. I don't have the social skills to notice or try to approach a woman in a bar or club with the goal of casual sex due to my Aspergers. I've deleted my erotica collection, unsubscribed to r/gonewild and I’m still like this. I don't want to have a high sex drive. I have no outlet for it and I'm not likely to have an outlet for it. How do I curb my high sex drive? Masturbation doesn't do it for me anymore (and I masturbate 3 times a day for an hour at a time). I've stopped masturbating but the sex drive remains. Exercise? Meditation? Anything? I need to get rid of this high sex drive. Badly. :("
  • Patrick (20s/SM) asks, "I found photos of my friend's dick and his girlfriend's tits. Before you think this is weird they have tattoos in nearby areas and I recognized them. I found them in the toilet tank, taped inside. At first I thought maybe they had to hide them suddenly and just forgot or didn't have a chance to get them back somehow but after noticing the tape that doesn't make sense. They're in there for a reason if they took the time to tape them. But why? Is this a come on to me or my roommate? Is it some kind of sex exhibitionist thingie? I don't get it, but should I talk to them about it or not? It's really bugging me."
  • Anonymous (17/SM) asks, "Hi, I’m a 17 yr old straight male, and my question is: is it bad to manually force poop out of your body? I’m really concerned for my little sister. She’s only 13 yrs old and she told me that when she goes to the bathroom she has trouble pushing out her poop. So for about a week now she’s been sticking her fingers in her vagina and pushes down against her rectum so the poop slides out. Or if that doesn’t work, sometimes she has to use her fingers to open her anus so the poop just falls out. I’m worried if this is unhealthy for her body. She doesn’t want to tell our mom so she doesn’t get grossed out or anything. She told me only because we’re really close. Any info would be greatly appreciated, thanks!"

Special Segment: Nope!

Final Thoughts: A short conversation about hot rapists (and other criminals).