The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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43: The Bank Robber

January 6, 2015 at 12:45PM • 57 minutes • Wiki Entry

Happy new year! This week we're talking about a bank robbing vagina, practical marriage, and bird-like exhibitionists.




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam gets stuck in a Brookstone massage chair and Darren and Andy try to introduce Bukkake! the Card Game to an unsuspecting guest.

This Week's Questions:

  • Alvin C asks, "For our one year anniversary I made a copy of my apartment key for my girlfriend. I thought we could move in soon, and so this was my 'hint.' She was pretty excited and I thought all was well until she made three copies of the key and gave them all to her best friends. I tried to justify this in my head, as if she wanted to have backup copies in case she was locked out. Then I realized that I'm here if she is locked out—I am her backup. It's my place. I am somewhat offended by her behavioral choices because I don't want her friends having the keys to my place. I don't know them or trust them. I said this to her and she became very upset and wouldn't talk about it. I don't know why she would throw a hissy fit over something like this. I've tried to talk about it more but she will not have the conversation. What is a guy to do?"
  • Jackie (39/SF) asks, "Aloha guys and dolls! I've got an etiquette question for y'all. I'm in a casual dating/sex situation with bank manager who is surprisingly young and sexy. (That doesn't matter but I was like wow so I'm bragging.) I like having sex with him period but I wanted to do it on all the bank money. He said we can't for obvious reasons but then we did it in the break closet and so I asked him again, thinking we were moving towards it. He said no, but then like a week later we did it in the break closet and there was a pile of money all over. He didn't say anything about it and just fucked me with a bunch of money. Not all the money, but enough that it was hot like I wanted. Here's the problem. Afterwards, because it was so sudden, I ended up in my car and was fixing my myself (y'know) and found two hundred dollar bills inside my skirt. In all the motion they must've ended up in there, or maybe I just didn't feel him shove it into my underwear because we were doing it pretty rough. Question: is it wrong to keep the money, and if it is how do I give it back?"
  • Anonymous (SM) asks, "My girlfriend is bossy, which is okay sometimes, but she said for our anniversary that she wants me to illustrate (I'm an illustrator and designer, btw) a graphic novel about us falling in love. So I know this is a cute idea but she doesn't really understand how much time this takes and that I do this for work, so I like to do other things with my free time. I would make a nice drawing of us, or a two sheet comic, but not this. How can I explain to her that this is way too much to ask for without her getting sad about it?"
  • Sara asks, "I play volleyball with my girlfriends on the weekends. We want to be in a tournament someday but we're still practicing. In Arizona there are deserts but not beaches, so they have fake beaches where we can practice. I'm not gonna lie, we live in a shitty part of Tucson and it is not a nice fake beach. We have to check for beer bottles and drug needles every week. We thought about moving just because of this, but the next closest option is 44 miles away (says Google) and that's too far for us. Then a creeper found us one day. We play in swimwear because of the heat, and to get a tan, so there are always some men around. But this one started exposing himself to us. We didn't notice at first because he would scream in a way that sounded bird-like and then pulled it out and tucked it back in. We've concluded there is probably a mental disability. But he leaves so even if we call the police it won't matter. He just keeps coming back, though, and it's making me and my girlfriends very uncomfortable. Do you know how to get rid of someone like this?"
  • Anonymous (31/GM) asks, "I want to get married someday, for good reasons. Not for love. That's a bad reason. I want it to be a contractual arrangement based on economic and legal benefits with the added assurances of investing in another person reciprocally. How does one find a partner like this? I am in no hurry. I enjoy the single life, however there will come a time when I will want to settle down. I want a practical marriage with separate beds or even where we do not live together. How can I find someone of similar mind and achieve this goal?"

Special Segment: None

Final Thoughts: What are the best places to ejaculate?