The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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40: A Rocket in Your Box

December 16, 2014 at 3:00AM • 1 hour 29 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week's awkward topics include raising twins, stealing from your coworker, finding a suitable gay boyfriend. If you've got a question, send it on over to [email protected] or call 323-456-3345! Also, share your awkward holiday stories with us.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Erica gets an envelope of glitter.

This Week's Questions:

  • Liam (21/GM) asks, "Aloha guys, I’m male, 21, Asian and gay. The thing is that I’ve never been with anyone before and therefore never had sex. That being said, I’m increasingly having the feeling that I need someone in my life as I’m getting older (I know, that sounds ridiculous, I’m only 21). I’m not so much into the "scene." It even, kind of, terrifies me. I have used apps like Grindr and such but I always ended up giving up on it because, let’s face it, those guys on there are really just too hot for me. Don’t get it wrong, I’m not lacking self-esteem and I’m not shy, either. I’m openly gay and most people are okay with it. I tell people to go suck it in the rare occasions when someone says something negative about it. Also: The only people that actually write me on those platforms are either gross old people or Asia-fanatics. Now, that’s complicated because I don’t feel Asian, given that I’ve lived in Austria—that small country in Europe that started WW1 and pretty much WW2, too. Yeah… We’re horrible—my whole life and I identify as an Austrian. I even work for the National Austrian Railways (more on that below). I’m not really into Asia-stuff, I don’t even know how to eat with chopsticks. For me, those are just unpractical wooden sticks to pick up food - why not just use a fucking fork? Yeah, I’m going off topic here. I don’t know, how to go about to get to know 'normal' gay people ('normal' as in like Adam and Richard). I’m not looking for anything radical. I’m also not that type of guy that goes to events like the Rainbow Parade (CSD), because I find it ridiculous and that it paints a picture of homosexual people, that is way off. I am behind the message of it, though. Equality, regardless of who you’re loving, but in the end of the day, it’s none of anyones business and nobody should rub their sexuality into anyones face like that - straight or gay (or bi or whatever flavour there is). The only two gay guys I know are both stereotypes of those skinny twinks that are hugging and cuddling everything plushy. They’re always shiny and sparkling. It’s like they have sparkles up their arses. But I quite like them - as friends, because they’re nice and funny - and not my type. What I’m looking for is - speaking in gay-language - a straight-acting guy (although, I find this term misleading, because there is no 'straight-' or 'gay-acting') who is nice and shares some interests with me. I’ve never been in a gay-bar, because I don’t have enough courage to, and I’m afraid of being rejected, because I’m not fancy enough, or of people even be offended by me because I’m not all into "the gay world of wonders". I live in a quite big city (roughly 2 million people here) so finding a nice spot wouldn’t be that hard. The other thing is that I don’t really have much time for dating: I’m a guard (attendant on a train) and have crazy working hours, I’m a volunteering paramedic with the Red Cross and part-time studying Biomedical Engineering. Sure, I could use some weight loss - I do have a bit of a belly - and the types of guys I fancy are quite masculine. Like with a beard and some sort of slim fitness. They don’t have to be fitness trainers or sportsmen, just regular-fit persons that are probably looking for people like themselves. Am I stereotyping myself and others here? What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve been introduced to a gay guy at a party once - a friend of mine tried to set us up - he wasn’t really my type but I was drunk, so what the hell, right? So I went about it but I didn’t even know what to say or do. So we introduced ourselves, had a little small-talk, followed by awkward silence and we went our ways… Seeing my roommate hanging with her boyfriend at our place makes me sick. Don’t get that wrong, I’m glad they found each other - but it makes me sick of myself. Do you have any suggestions? What can I do to get to know someone who isn’t like 'let’s just fuck' or 'gay-rights in YOUR FACE!!!' or 'yay, I’m so gay, I’m farting rainbows and pooping teddy bears?' How should I approach someone that I find attractive at a party, casually, and beginning a nice talk so we eventually get into that 'flirty dating stage'? Sure, it’s nothing instant but I’m just afraid of rejection and I have the feeling that everyone I might be interested in is straight…or not their type. Or am I just a mess with way too many issues? And assuming that I got their phone number - getting someone’s phone number isn’t really hard for me. I have lots of interns at Red Cross that I teach (no, I’m not misusing my position as they don’t have their exams with me. I’m just kind of their practising-mentor). How would I go about and start a conversation that leads to feelings? I don’t want to offend anyone by hitting on them when they’re actually into pussy… So that was it. Please bring back Darren (Moves)! Greetings from the Alps, - Liam Photo of Liam"
  • Jason asks, "Greetings guys and girls, this is Jason. I don't know if you watch it or not but the Colbert Report is ending this month and I am really, really bummed. Everyone probably is, but I have a bigger problem than probably everyone. Me and my fiancée watch it before bed, and then afterwards we fuck. Most nights that's how it goes. It's not like it turns us on or anything (maybe she's not telling me something but it doesn't turn me on), but it's a routine for us. The sex is great. We both love fucking each other. I'm just not sure what we're going to do when it ends. Switch to the Daily Show? I'm worried that won't work because it's not the same thing. Any ideas?"
  • Kerrie (23/SF) asks, "I am prefacing my question by saying I know I am young and stupid, but I made a mistake and I don't know how to get out of it. I have a crush on this guy Scott at work. He's older than me a little, he's 25, and has this old metal lunch box with a rocket on it. It's red and it's really cool. He brings his lunch in it every day. Everybody knows this is Scott's lunchbox. He's an eccentric boy. He's very friendly and everyone likes him and he's very funny and cute. It's really amazing because he works in the legal department and writes documents which seems so boring but I'm sure it's actually amazing because he wouldn't do it if it wasn't. So anyway, the problem is he left his lunchbox overnight one night and I saw it in the refrigerator at work and I just took it. I don't know why I did this. It was so stupid of me but I basically love him and I wanted something of his because we're not dating and we're just work friends so how else am I going to get it? I know this totally seems psycho and it was so stupid but I swear I have never done anything like this before. He is really upset about the lunchbox missing and sent out a company-wide email asking anyone if they saw it and if they did to tell him where it is. Should I give it back to him? Because I kinda want to keep it, but I know I should give it back and if I do is there a way I can do this without him knowing what I did? Like where would the lunchbox be if I just found it somewhere? I messed up, please help me get out of this ASAP!!"
  • Pauline asks, "I am asking a friend of the family to provide me with a service and he can deliver it to me with a discount but I still need to know the cost I am going to incur. It's crazy awkward to ask him about the discounted fee. Any suggestions? Some sophisticated language could help. Say I am asking the person to make a costume for my horse in a horse pageant."

Special Segment: An interview with Hindsight writer Kenny Neibart about raising twins.

Final Thoughts: Celebrity sex exceptions: what are the rules?