The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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39: Abusive Flatulence: The Poetic Novella

December 9, 2014 at 2:00AM • 58 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week on the Awkward Human Survival Guide, we're talking about befriending your enemies, disclosing STDs, and escaping wallflower status.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week:

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous (33/SM) asks, "Hey there Awkward Humans. Forgive me if this isn't funny but you can't laugh at everything, right? The brief version: having sex with my fiancée feels like I may or may not be raping her. I love this woman. She is amazing. I've loved her for three year and I want her to be my wife. In the bedroom, I am all the time feeling like this is rape or maybe not but I can't tell because she is not into it. She doesn't get wet, I have to ask for sex several times before we do it, she seems totally not interested, and does not want to talk to me for like 30 minutes afterwards (or until the next morning if it happens at bedtime). It's like she's a whole another person before, during, and after sex activities. So I have talked to her about if she has gotten abused and she said no. I also tried to get her interested in sex more by having her suggest some activities but she told me to keep doing what I'm doing because she loves it. But then I am fucking her and she looks like she's waiting for paint to dry. I feel so bad having sex with her but I'm also horny and I want to make love to the woman I love. I am very confused and I don't know how else to talk to her about this. We won't be married until next winter and so I think we need to go see a (pre?) marriage counselor before to get this squared away. Is that a good idea, or will she be bothered by that? Maybe there is an obvious thing I'm missing."
  • Arnie asks, "I work at a company where almost everyone works on assigments at other companies. So I only see my collegues at company meetings or trainings every few months. When I see someone for the first time I introduce myself, then two months later when I see them again I say hi and they introduce themselves like we haven't met. Nobody ever remembers me. I have introduced myself to some people more than five times now! One person said (on the second time we met) that someone who looked just like me used to work here. It was me. This happens in other ways. When in public I get stepped on when I am waiting to cross the street. People will step on my feet or bump into me, not noticing I am there. If I get coffee or order something at a counter, sometimes they don't notice I'm ready to order. This is usually if no one else is in line, so maybe I look like I am still deciding. But I have even said 'excuse me' once and nobody responded. I didn't say it soft either. I have lots of stories about how people forget me or ignore me. I'm not short or small. I am 5'10" and work out so people will notice me but nobody ever does. Someone tried to take my locker at the gym once because they didn't see me changing by it and taking my clothes out. I was just wondering if this is a normal thing or if I'm unusual and doing something wrong and that's why I'm ignored and forgotten."
  • Janet asks, "This is fuckin ridiculous. I have a hell of an update for you, but you can advise me if you want since the situation has turned a corner. If you remember from last time my office instituted the mandatory therapy sessions to help Rebecca overcome our year of fart raping. In the beginning I sat and listened to her call me names because it was hard to not fuckin laugh at the shit she was saying. It was like a fuckin goth teenager wrote a poetic novella about ‘abusive flatulence’ (one of her terms). Onve she mentioned a ‘literal and figurative miasma that followed her everywhere in school’ and I had to go to the ladies to stuff a paper towel in my mouth and laugh my fuckin ass off. We’re friends now, she and I. I am her goddamn best friend. I was bitchin to my husband and he said ask her out for drinks, see what happens. So I did. In ‘therapy’ she was crying herself a damn river about how terrible of a person I was and am and so I just interrupted her and said let’s go out after work. She didn’t really get it, I explained that I want to show her I’m a nice person, the therapist thought it was a good idea probably out of sheer boredom, and so eventually she agreed. I’ve set a few back in my day, but Rebecca is fuckin Irish. I mean she is Irish, not like a joke. I just didn’t know. I don’t know if she drank this way before I farted on her but if not I think I really led her to her cultural background so good on me. It was very uncomfotable, knife-cutting tension at the start. I asked about her marraige (the failed one) and it ended because her fiancee liked anal. That was my fault, by the way, since she couldn’t reconcile her fuckin issues with me. Apparently to her it felt like she smelled again and he wanted to plug her up with his dick and so she cried every time. Honestly I don’t know what the fuck she was talking about and that’s the most I understood. So it started to turn into another hate-on-Janet therapy (half) hour and so I thought maybe let’s just get to the point and asked her what she’d do to me if there were no laws. And she didn’t want to answer because she wasn’t like me and I told her I wouldn’t do or say anything and just wanted to let her get her aggressions out. Like to beat me up verbally or whatever she needed to do. She had an elaborate fuckin fantasy about taking me to the gas chamber but with farts, of course, and she started crying because Hitler was dead and she's crazy (no fuckin shit) and she just couldn’t let go of it all. I moved my chair around the table and gave her a hug and told her I’m sorry and she asked me why I did it. I told her about my mom, and I started crying, and then we were both fuckin drunk and crying. After all this she told me she loved me (not like a lesbian) and thanked me. I think Rebecca never made a friend after what I did to her (including her ex-fiancee), so now I am her fuckin friend. She texts me at work like we’re 10 (or the age kids text, I’m too old to know). She sent me a picture of her and her cat ‘in case.’ (I said ‘in case of what?’ and she said ‘in case you have a case of the Mondays.’) She is either fuckin with me to get back at me or I made her into this monster, like my farts were filled with love. So I am gonna tell her to lay off in awhile but she deserves this. It’s fair, it’s my fuckin penance. Until next time."
  • Hailie asks, "I have genital herpes and my new boyfriend has chlamydia, but he doesn't know what I have OR that I know what he has. Simply put: I know everything and he knows nothing (muahahaha). I didn't snoop, but just happen to work as a medical transcriptionist and just happened to see his record a week before he asked me out on a date (we met at the cafeteria in the building I work, probably after he found out about the chlamydia that I transcribed a week earlier). He's sexy, suave, and hopefully the proud owner of several condoms which is something I don't know because I don't want to have sex with him yet. Actually I want it bad, but you know the chlamydia and I have to tell him about my herpes even though I have never had an outbreak and will probably not infect him. ARGHHH!! We both have STDs so this should be easier but I don't know how to tell him because it is more complicated than what I usually say ("I want to fuck you bad, I have herpes, let's talk about it). I want to have dirty sex with this boy right now. What do I say to him? How can I bring up knowing about the chlamydia? Because if I don't it will slip out and not be good."
  • Chris asks, "Hey Adam, Erica, and others! Just gonna say up front that I love the variety of guests you've had lately, though I miss Darren. Anyway, I have a question. I am a gay male in his mid-20s with a boyfriend also in his mid-20s (who is also gay). Even though he doesn't drink he goes to bars a lot with friends, and to parties, and spends a lot of time out. At least, I think he does. I, however, am a video game addict, admittedly, mostly on the computer. Right now I spend most of my time on Minecraft but also Destiny when I want some couch time. I spend about as much time playing games as he does going out and being at parties. He doesn't like games, I don't like parties, and that's fine with me. But he wants me to go out with him sometimes and it's just not my thing. When I do go I sometimes have fun but get bored faster and just play games on my phone while I wait for the party to end. This makes him upset at me and we get in an argument, and I don't know what to do about it. I don't need him to play games with me. I am content doing it by myself, but he offers to play games with me in exchange for me going to parties with him. But it's not an even trade because I don't care if he plays games with me or not. We spend time together going to dinner, watching TV, seeing movies, and I even started to exercise with him. I will do most things with him, but I don't want to go to parties. This really bothers him, but I don't know what to do about it. It's just not my thing to go to bars and parties, but he thinks I don't care about him because I'm leaving him alone when we do that stuff. I feel like he wants me to be there so he can show me off to people or something, and it's very superficial. Am I wrong or is he?"

Special Segment: Interview with safe sex educator Zoey Gold.

Final Thoughts: None this week!