The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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38: The Mile Low Club

December 3, 2014 at 4:00AM • 1 hour 11 minutes • Wiki Entry

Happy Thanksgiving last week! This week we're talking about the mile low club, pooping at the laundromat, and a straight Lady GaGa fan.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Shia LeBouf gets raped for art, or something.

This Week's Questions:

  • David asks, "I'm a Rihanna and Lady GaGa super fan. My half of my room (I'm in college, so it's a dorm) has posters and shit everywhere. I go to a liberal school and there are lots of gay kids. I don't have a problem with gay kids. If I did, I wouldn't like the music I like. It's not the only music I like, but it takes up a lot of my life. The problem is I get a lot of attention from gay guys and no attention from the ladies. None of my friends are straight, except for one girl who is not my type and would be my fag hag if I was a gay. I might as well be one at this point, but I don't want to suck dick. I want to eat and fuck pussy, but I can't get any. I don't know how to get any. I've let guys suck me off a few times when drunk because it's college and I'm sexually frustrated, but I can't get into it. I just feel like a fucktwat. How can I get the ladies to like me?"
  • Genia (27/GW) asks, "Greetings, love the show. I am a bisexual woman in a relationship with another woman 10 years my senior. She's great company. Also a great lay. In particular, she has a spectacular talent with her thumb and her tongue that makes me 100 kinds of orgasmic. I love it, and I want to come like this all the time. I don't know what the fuck she does but I want more and she will not give it to me. Only sometimes, because it's special and she tells me it won't be special if I have it whenever I want. She's acting like I'm a child, and it's pissing me off, but the problem is if I whine about it then I am kind of acting like a child. So I'm in this paradox. Help please!"
  • Shelley (20/SF) asks, "I noticed you talked about telling people about being fat last week and I'm fat (5'5" and 236 pounds) and I have a problem being told about it. My boyfriend didn't tell me I'm fat but suggested I need to go on a diet. I feel really bad now and keep crying because he doesn't find me attractive. He is a good person and loves me but he doesn't think I am pretty. We dated in high school and broke up and got back together again in college. In senior year someone called me a 'food parasite' and he didn't defend me and then we broke up two weeks later and he never said why. But he missed me so much we got back together and now I am too fat for him. I don't want to lose him and I want him to be attracted to me. We still have sex twice a week, but I feel so sad after. I don't what to do."
  • Kevin asks, "I AM FUCKING REAL!"
  • Anonymous asks, "I own a chain of laundromats and someone or a group of people are shitting in the driers and running them. This is happening in a college town so I am almost certain it is college kids perpetrating the offense. I installed several cameras in all the locations that have been attacked but I have not been able to identify the culprit. The shit isn't noticed until the drier has run for at least 30 minutes, and by that time the asshole is gone. No one appears to be taking a shit or putting shit in the drier, but it ends up there still. I'm at my wit's end, and since Adam loves poop I thought I should ask your show for some help."
  • Chuck (39/SM) asks, "You probably know the mile high club, where people fuck in an airplane bathroom and somehow enjoy it. I took a trip with my girlfriend back when I was 16 and we thought we'd try this and I somehow kicked the toilet seat up and stepped in it. It sounds grosser than it was, but there would be no orgasms after that. We had a really long flight to discuss what happened, and we decided to start the mile low club instead. This is where you have sex in VIP airport lounges instead. Obviously not in public, but the trick is to find a private section or the bathroom there or whatever you can locate. Once you have sex in the lounge, you get to check it off on your map. If you complete the map you win. Win at life, that is. Now that you understand, here's my multi-faceted predicament. I am not 16 anymore, but I have not completed my map. I actually have three lounges left. Unfortunately, I met a woman who I'd like to marry someday and I told her about this but she is not interested. Public sex makes her uncomfortable. (She used to be a Catholic.) I want to settle down and not have kids and just be with her, but I want to complete the map. She suggested I jerk off in the lounges but it's not the same. I need the touch of a woman, but I'm in a monogamous relationship. I told her I'd fuck other women if she's okay with it but she's not. Any ideas, or is this an impossible dream?"

Special Segment: Lionel Gaiman talks about the release of his Christmas album, A Very Lionel Cocksmas.

Final Thoughts: Are we obligated to let annoying family members come to Thanksgiving?