The Awkward Human Survival Guide Retired

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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37: Mr. Edgasm

November 25, 2014 at 12:45PM • 57 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week on the Awkward Human Survival Guide we're talking about calling people fat, swallowing semen, and how to deal with looking like a dead guy.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Lindsay ("IUD girl") shares a tall tale about her car issues.

This Week's Questions:

  • Tavon (31/GM) asks, "You can just call me Tavon. :-) After listening to the previous podcast I felt the need to write in and tell you about my orgasmic quirks. The guy who needs to say he's about to 'squirt' may not be able to control it. I've recently developed a bad habit when I ejaculate where I sort of neigh like a horse. I'm not sure how that started, but now I can't stop. Of course I understand how this would be troubling in a relationship. I am not in one. I only wanted to say that this is, perhaps, a more common and difficult dilemma than you might be aware of and, as well, that if you have any advice on how to stop neighing I would be pleased to hear it. I think that, perhaps, the girl's boyfriend may want to stop 'squirting' audibly, so to speak, but does not know how. Some instruction in this realm may help him, and me as well."
  • Didi asks, "I've never asked anyone this because I'm scared of being judged so I thought this was the place to do it. When is it okay to call someone fat? Not as in, "hey you fat bitch" or "fuck you fat ass" (like on South Park) but just telling the truth. I know the definition of fat can vary from person to person, but if the stomach hangs over the the waist and there are rolls, etc., that's just fat no matter what. So is it impolite to say matter-of-factly that someone is fat? I don't want to judge anyone, but nobody takes issue with calling a skinny person skinny. Even if they need to eat a sandwich it's still no problem. But fat people know they're fat. They have to know, obviously, because even if they're scared of the mirror they can feel it all the time. And they can probably call other people fat without a problem, like black people and the n-word, but I'm skinny so is it wrong? Because it's not derogatory. I just don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I also don't want to tip toe around the issue and dump a pile of sugar on it, because G-d knows they don't need the sugar. (I'm just kidding about that.) Anyway, what do you think? Is it okay to refer to someone as fat? Like, if we're talking about healthcare and premiums are high for someone and I was to say, "is it higher because your fat?" I'm just curious. But is that impolite? I can't sort this out and I'm afraid to ask people I know."
  • Kevin (requested to be read as Christopher a.k.a. "gay voice") asks, "Let's play who's the bitch: me or my boyfriend. (We're a gay couple in our late 20s, btdubs.) He blows me and swallows. I blow him and get my mouth off his erupting dick before he blows a whale's load of cum in my mouth. I cum a normal amount, which I think is about 1.5 teaspoons if I had to guesstimate. My boyfriend produces a quart. I'm kidding. It is not that much, but I'd say about a third of a cup is more accurate. (My heartfelt apologies go out to the rest of the world who uses the metric system but I am an American faggot and I don't know it so deal.) This is a lot of cum. He wants me to swallow, but I hate it because I wouldn't swallow that much water at once and this is sticky and bitter. Honestly, he has been really sweet about it. He's offered to eat pineapple beforehand so it tastes better, but I just don't like it. I told him he can cum anywhere else he wants, even in my hair. (For context: I fucking love my hair and it's amazing.) I would love to swallow him because he wants it bad except that I would so fucking hate it. I know it makes me a bad gay but this is like only one step above eating pussy. I don't like to swallow at all. I love cum, but hate to swallow it. It's so good everywhere but my mouth. (Also for context, when he fucks me we do it bareback because we're exclusive and I let him cum inside me and I'm like a yogurt dispenser.) To reiterate, he can cum literally anywhere else. Except not, because that includes my nose and eyeballs and other places I may not have considered. But in general, everywhere and anywhere. My body is his empty canvas for cum. I am his multi-cultural buffet, but like one without Chinese chicken salad. (In this analogy the Chinese chicken salad is my mouth and throat, just so that's clear.) He's not mad at me and it's fine, but I feel guilty about not giving him what he wants because he does ask me about it a lot. So am I being a bitch, or is he the bitch because he keeps asking to load up my throat with his babies? Extra info: It is about swallowing the cum, not just 'ejaculating in a hot man cavern.' That means that a condom blow job or dental dam isn't a legitimate solution, not like anyone wants to use those in the first place."
  • Beowulf (26/SM) asks, "I know I'm a mess of a worthless human being. Please don't give me a hard time. I made a lot of mistakes and I need real help. I have some social problems so I make bad decisions and don't say the right things a lot. So just don't be assholes. I have sent this to about five other places and no one else wrote back or posted or talked about it on their show, but I found you guys and you seem unpopular enough to take it so please I hope you will help me. I am to be married in five weeks from when I sent this. The woman is much older than me and is very wealthy. I am like her kept boy. I have no family and she allows me no friends. I had friends when I began seeing her and she bought me gifts. It was so nice. I used to live in shelters and stay with people who would take me. Sometimes I would prostitute myself for a place to stay for a few days. I have lived a very hard life and nobody wants to help me without taking something but then she did. Also, I decided you can call her Diana if you want because before I had to drop out of school I had a teacher by that name and they had the same hair and eyebrows although their faces are quite different. She took care of me and I had a regular place to stay so I loved her for that. After eight months she asked me to marry her and I said yes. We went on vacation and she bought us rings and I got a new suit from Brioni which I had not heard of until then. Now I have three Brioni suits, one from Ermenegildo Zegna, and one Canali. But she doesn't like me to wear the Canali because she said it is tacky but I like it so she let me have it for my own private use. But she always wants me around and I can't have any time to privately use it, unless she means when I'm going to the bathroom but she's even there sometimes because man and wife should be able to share the bathroom, she says. But she leaves if I have to make a BM. I could give you many examples like this of how my privacy has been eroded, or how she decided I didn't have any to begin with. I saw the bad signs early but I ignored them because she gave me so much. I also enjoy the lifestyle I have now. Nobody ever did so much for me. I owe her a lot, but she also has taken so much from my soul. When I get really mad I just say "cunt cunt cunt" under my breath because I can't say it so loud that she will hear me. I repeat it like my mantra. When I go to bed with her and wrap my arms around her to cuddle her to sleep, I try to think of a way out. I don't want to kill her because I know that's wrong, but most of the time the fantasy in my head leads there. I don't want it to lead there. I owe her so much, but I don't want to go back to my old life. Sometimes I think I should die, or that I was meant to die because nobody loves me and they all just want to use me. I am just too scared to die. I'm sorry if that is depressing but it's how I feel and have always felt, like I am trapped between torture and fear and I was made to be attractive so I could be used up by the world. Please help me find a way out. I don't even need to be happy. If I could just be left alone and have my own life that would be enough. Or if there are pills I can take that would make me enjoy marriage with 'Diana' then please tell me what they are so I can go to our doctor and ask for a prescription. Whatever I have to do to disappear. P.S. I have provided the pseudonym of Beowulf."
  • Paul asks, "I look like Philip Seymour Hoffman, so much that people usually think I'm him even though I'm about 12 years younger. I have actually gotten laid because of it, even though I was completely honest and said I wasn't PSH. (For reference, I have a very distinct and different voice so most people would know I'm lying if I wanted to try.) So obviously not a problem, because the dude is not exactly an attractive man and neither am I. It was a blessing for ages. You probably know where this is going. He's dead now, and I get a series of reactions that I will just list for you: 1) 'OMG [insert media source] said you died!' 2) 'I loved you in the Hunger Games' and also 'what happens in the last movie?' (like the books don't exist). 3) They don't know PSH is dead, and so I'm asked to sign autographs, hang out with them, among a variety of other common celebrity actions (including 'aren't you that guy?'—not even 'aren't you that guy from that thing?'). 4) Women tell me it's not funny to use a photo of a dead celebrity on my OkCupid profile and I should be ashamed of myself. I deal with variations of those four comments most often. I think if I dieted and exercised regularly, and even got some muscles, I could avoid all of this, but I like eating and being lazy. Miraculously I am at low risk of diabetes, I feel good every day, and I have virtually no health problems. To me these are all signs I should keep eating unhealthy, delicious food and be a little fat. I have a good life with a good job and good health I probably don't deserve. I didn't want anything to change, but PSH had his overdose and I'm having this crisis. I don't want to change my look, but I don't like so much negativity directed at me. Maybe it will blow over in a few years, but maybe this is a sign that my days as a fake celebrity are over. My question to you is this: should I change, or do you have a good way to tough this out and respond to these comments?"

Special Segment: No time this week, but we've got some pornographic interviews in the works!

Final Thoughts: Who do you want us to interview? Let us know!