The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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36: Squirt

November 18, 2014 at 1:15PM • 1 hour 3 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week we're talking about what to say when you come, a relationship in limbo, and several unfortunate updates!




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: A deep dive into people who flush the toilet several times while pooping.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous (30/M) asks, "To give you some context, the Speed Dating happened on Halloween Friday and I thought it went pretty well aside from the fact that I was in fancy dress (dressed up as a pirate) and everyone else was dressed in boring smart casual gear. Actually I think this worked in my favour slightly. I think I had a pretty good connection with all of the ladies I put down as a potential match (8 out of the 15) and so I was pretty excited about getting my matches. I emailed the organiser on Saturday afternoon asking when I can expect to get my matches and he said that they will try and get them back within a week which seemed like a long time but I just accepted it since there wasn't much I could do about it. Fast foward to the next Friday and I still hadn't got my matches. The organiser emailed me and told me they had lost my sheet with the names of my matches. Fortunately, I had written down the names of all my potential matches on my phone (as well as differentiating characteristics so I could remember who was who). So I remained calm (though I think I would have been well within my rights to be upset at the organiser) and emailed the list of names of my matches, hoping the situation could be salvaged. I received no replies over the weekend and on Monday afternoon I was told that I had no matches. Maybe I am slightly delusional but I was really surprised. I thought I would have gotten at least half of the ladies on my potential matches list saying yes to me. Oh well. The organiser offered me a 25% discount on the next speed dating night (still haven't got an apology for losing my match sheet). My question is, if I were to return to the same speed dating night, what is the best way to handle dates with any return daters from the previous night? That is, since I had not matches, any one I repeat date will be someone I said "no" to or someone who said "no" to me. The question is almost hypothetical since I think I would be pretty stupid to return after getting such poor service but I am interested to know how you guys think such a potentially awkward situation could be handled."
  • Matt asks, "Hello awkward humans, my name is Matt. I am a sophomore in high school and am going through a weird break up, and I would like your guys' opinions on what I should do. But first, let me give a little context. Like I said, I'm a sophomore in school, and I go to a magnet program where I'm taught math and science classes at a specialized school for those because my town's school's program wasn't advanced enough for me and I wanted to go somewhere I could excel. I am a social weirdo, and don't have very many friends. I have 5 at a stretch, two of whom I've never interacted with outside of school, and only one that I've actually hung out with outside of school. The magnet school is in another town, which would complicate me trying to hang out with people if not for the fact that I don't hang out with other people that much. I enjoy sitting at home alone and going on the internets or playing a computer game. I do enjoy being with people I like, but I don't pursue that. I don't pursue much, and tend to stick to what I know. My ex girlfriend, let's call her Amanda, is two years older than me, making her a senior. She loves art and drawing, which she is incredible at. She likes making things. Her creativity is a major part of her personality. She is talkative and caring, and also enjoys sharing emotions with others. We were dating for over two years, probably around two and a half. It was a good relationship. We laughed, hung out together, went on dates, etc. We were both each other's first serious relationship and we were in love with each other. We talked constantly and deeply enjoyed each other. This, however, would not last. We had had arguments about things like how I would depend on her too much (I didn't talk to many people except her), or how she would always expect too much and be extremely disappointed if something didn't work out, but these (to me at least) did not seem like anything incredibly serious and threatening to the relationship. Around a month ago, Amanda was caught smoking weed by her parents. I had been trying to get her to stop prior to this, but didn't succeed. We weren't able to see each other for around 3 weeks, and weren't supposed to talk either. She had an old iPod, however, and worked around her parents and got her phone back earlier than she should have, and we were able to talk again. We did not talk nearly as much, however. We became less present in each other's lives. Towards the end of the three weeks it did pick up a little, but still not as much as we used to. When we could see each other again, I was excited and took her out to a nice restaurant and we watched a movie together and and a great day together. The very next day she says she can't be with me anymore. She I wasn't a big part of her life anymore and that she was all of mine. She said that she wanted to experience not being with me. From what I understood, she was just not happy with me anymore. She said she loved me but didn't like me. I didn't want everything to be over and neither did she so we somewhat decided to be close friends with benefits instead of being girlfriend and boyfriend. I know this doesn't make much sense, but heartbreak does not lead to rationality. We still talked, though very little and mostly about what the hell we were. We would still meet each other after school and hug and kiss and talk. I was confused and scared but happy to at least still have some connection with her. It has been a few days since then and things have sort of become clearer. We still talk, but it's always her who texts me and we ask each other if we're ok and then talk about something that neither of us really care about but are just using as an excuse to talk to each other or we talk about our relationship and what's going on with it. I miss her and she says she misses me. We are both hurt over this. She told me today that the relationship could be salvaged if I wasn't so antisocial and if I had a life outside of her and school. I basically said that I'd try to be more social and outgoing because I hate how I've been feeling since this happened. So here are my questions: What should I do? Should I try to get back together with Amanda? Should I continue talking to her if I don't? Should I, and also how do I, be more social? Also, do you have any advice for handling this emotionally? How should I deal with these feelings?"
  • Anonymous (14/GM/Update) asks, "Thank you so much that you read that question with out darren on the podcast cuz like i just think he would be like "oh you f**king slut all you want is sex" ya (idc if he sees that) but any way ya i told a female friend that i am a homosexual she was what ever thought it was cool and all and ya. (i am white Btw) and i asked him though a Direct message anonymously if he was gay he said "IM NOT GAY SO DO TALK TO ME" i said "sorry" and said nothing else to him. and i'm not friends with any straight males so ya and like ya (like ya, like ya, like ya)"
  • Caroline asks, "I love my boyfriend even if he's kinky. And it's fine for him to be kinky of course but there are some weird ones. It's good though, and we work sexually. I was always a vanilla girl but then he came along and I changed. So maybe good for him? I think I'm pretty accommodating so good for me, too. It's just this one thing. When he cums, he likes saying 'I'm gonna squirt' instead of 'I'm gonna cum' and I think that's really gross. When he says it I feel my face squeeze up like he dropped lemon juice in my mouth (which is sometimes sort of what happens if I'm blowing him cuz he's a smoker). Anyway, I told him I hate it when he says this but he claims he doesn't know how to stop, like it's part of him and I should just deal with it. I do a lot for him, so I feel like he should do this one thing for me. But convincing him? I don't know how to do that. Squirt? Fucking yuck."
  • Janet asks, "Well fuck me. I talked to her. I thought she was giving me the fuckin stinkeye. She'd walk by with this eye squint and a bitch scowl and it'd been a long time so I forgot her face just fuckin looks like that. Seriously I just remembered her puke shirt but after talking to her I just had this memory dump and I think it was her bitch face that made me fart on her. Because it looks like she's smelling farts. Ha. Just a sour face. But holy shit her hair is so beautiful now. It used to look like a rat shit out yarn but she's got this short feathered look going. It's like if Farrah Fawcet cut it half length but looked like an angry. Maybe she was. I didn't know her. After listening to the episode I just got it into my head that she was stinkeying me because I didn't remember she just looks like that and you said if you think she knows maybe bring it up. So I went to her office and said hey, I'm Janet so-and-so, I just started here and you look familiar, did we go to school together? She said she didn't remember me if we did so I thought, lucky me, but then she asked what school and she was actually excited. Like maybe there was a Janet who didn't fuckin fart on her in middle school. So I told her the school and I knew straight away she knew who I was. Like her face didn't really change because she always looks like someone shat on her and she's figuring out how she feels about it but she was just silent for 20 seconds, or it felt that long. Then she got up and left her own office and I was thinking fuck, what did I just do. To spare you the dull information she went to HR and I know this now because we're in counseling together but also because I heard her screaming when I left her office. She was screaming to HR that they hired the fucking fart rapist. I am not shitting you. I am now the fart rapist, and I guess this is a story she tells her coworkers for fun. So on the upside this has been a bonding experience with my other coworkers. Most of them hate her and think I am the best, so I am hopefully not getting fired for my past indiscretions (fingers crossed). That said, I have to sit through counseling with HR for 30 minutes every Monday and Thursday to try to help us work out our issues. And HR is being good. They don't blame me for the problem so much because it happened a long time ago and, as I have demonstrated every day so far, I am not farting on her anymore. So we have to talk about it and she takes the time to verbally shit on me (pun intended). The bitch did not get over it. I think I may have ruined her life. She has already blamed me for a failed engagement. I am saying sorry a lot. I am letting her dump out her feelings when I could be doing work or at least socializing with the cool people in the office. So on one hand this is an update for you, since you wanted to know. On the other hand I want to help her feel better about all the apparent 'fart raping' I did but I don't know what to say. She doesn't hear a fuckin word I say anyway. I know this is not your average work situation and I feel like I'm doing what I can do, but this is gonna get old real fuckin fast so if you have any advice on how to cope or fix this please tell me now. P.S. Erica I will buy you lunch if you're in Austin sometime."
  • Andrew asks, "Just wanted to say how great episode 35 was. I miss all of the old characters like Jessica and Powerhouse, it's nice to hear them again."

Special Segment: There's no time this week!!

Final Thoughts: The time Richard found himself on a bang bus.