The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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34: Shockhammer: Part II

November 4, 2014 at 11:30AM • 1 hour 30 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week is the Supercharged and Awkward podcast crossover special! Hosts from both shows are on to talk about awkward technology. If you haven't heard the first part yet, listen to it here:

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Have you ever accidentally opened porn at work?

This Week's Questions:

  • Bored at Work asks, "I have a problem that I was hoping you guys may have some solutions for. When at work, I am often times in meetings for a majority of my day. As you can imagine, it becomes hard to stay focused for 8 hours of meetings. Sometimes i find my mind wandering off and realizing I haven't payed attention for a few minutes. Sometimes, my daydreaming is interrupted by a question from someone in the meeting. Do you have any suggestions on how to make it seem like I was paying attention?"
  • Mattheous asks, "My fiancée is most likely breaking off the engagement. She made me leave the house, and they're moving all my stuff. She said she'd wait for me, but yesterday she sent me an email claiming that I blamed her family for separating us and sent threatening messages. She said, 'I wanted so badly for this to work, but you threatening my family is the last straw. I am done.' My heart is broken. I knew she was the one. She was perfect for me. And now I've lost my fiancée, my best friend. And yet now I'm realizing I have a thing for Elizabeth. I've had a thing for her since second grade. And it's not because of my recent breakup with my financée. We talk about everything, even though she works all the time, almost every day of the week. I sent her a care package when she was sick, including a picture of us as kids holding hands. She said she loved it. We've flirted but, no, she doesn't know how I feel. I'm sitting in bed, alternating between heartbreak and utter depression and that damned warm fuzzy feeling. All else aside, I really just want to feel female affection again—to sleep with someone. I think I'm relatively good at sex, especially considering I've only had one partner. I even enjoy going down on a woman. My fiancée ate a lot of pickles and she tastes like pickles. From her reaction, I did a good job. Even with normal stuff, such as penetration. How do I get to have female affection again in my current situation?"
  • Mikey asks, "Any ideas why my iPhone 6 does this to my MacBook? Ever seen it before??"
  • Terence S asks, "Quick newbie question: what gives a route its IP address. A router has an IP, right?"
  • Bob G asks, "I’m leaving my employer and returning their iPhone 4S. I would like to have all the contacts from the past two years (around 800) and also delete them from the phone. I would like a free solution or a very inexpensive one. I use a Windows 7 laptop. I need to give the phone back to employer Tuesday. *I also love beer and could use your help."
  • Janet asks, "I guess I need help with my new job and coworker because I don't know how I should be or like what I need to do to make this not be a problem for me/her/my company. When I was 11 I was that bitchy bully girl. My mom is/was a cunt (she's dead because she got pneumonia and no one gave a shit because refer to my previous statement) and she hit me and locked me in the basement sometimes. She did some fucked up shit. Parties with sex and drugs and god knows what else, so I'd be locked in the basement so she didn't have to pay a babysitter. Anyway, you can see how that messed me up, right? So I didn't like this girl Rebecca at school because she wore this puke green shirt like every day. I know it's a bad reason to not like someone but to be fair I was obviously maladjusted at the time and it was a fuckin ugly shirt. My mom basically feed me vegetables and string cheese so I didn't eat very well and I had to fart all the time, so I'd fart on Rebecca any chance I got. I'd just fuckin rip on this girl. It was horrible. The school complained but they could never prove it happened and I would lie and my mom would never show up and it was a public school so how much did they really care anyway, right? So I never got kicked out and Rebecca's family transferred her somewhere else because my farting was so traumatizing. Her clothes actually smelled putrid because of me. I thought it was fuckin hilarious. It was like the only thing that made me happy back then. Now I am a grown up and I know better and I feel bad about it. I just got started with my thirties. I have a husband. We live in a gorgeous townhome right off a lake. My cunt ass mother is still dead. I just got a great new job as Director of Consumer Services at a tech startup I totally love. Just one problem: the VP of System Operations is Rebecca. I am pretty fuckin sure she knows who I am and I have no fuckin clue why this company hired me if she had any say. So she either didn't, forgot me, or this is some revenge bullshit. Either way, I don't know what to do. I love my life, but I feel like I'm getting my just desserts now that everything is fine. I want to make peace with Rebecca. If she wants to fart on me I'll do it. I will be her toilet if it helps her get over this shit, if she needs that. But I am a crass lady, if you can tell, and I do not want to fuck up this conversation and get my ass fired. How would an upstanding citizen apologize for farting on her classmate every day for a year 22 years ago so they can work together in peace and harmony?"

Special Segment: We assembled a panel of ladies to answer Daniel's (figuratively) burning vagina questions.

Final Thoughts: Tips of the Week

  • Erica's Tip: Make use of loyalty programs when you're an assistant
  • Darren's Tip: Don't go into show business
  • Alan's Tip: Downgrade from iTunes 12 to iTunes 11 (if you hate it)
  • Adam's Tip: Google “Timer X mins” for a quick and dirty timer when you need one