The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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31: Jesus and a Goat

October 14, 2014 at 1:00PM • 56 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week we're talking about talking to a childhood crush, a mooching friend, and a smart car-hating boyfriend.




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Darren talks about his unusual, theatrical birthday celebrations which this year may or may not involve a couple having sex live on stage.

This Week's Questions:

  • Justin asks, "I'm gay and 27 but I'll be 28 in a few weeks so by the time you answer this question that's how old I'll be probably. But the point, my boyfriend doesn't want me to get a smart car. We live together and he doesn't want to look at it. I have a normal sedan car right now but the lease is up and I want to lease a smart car because it's only $100 and I never drive anyone around but him or the two of us. He has motorcycle and a Mustang, and both are very impractical in the winter because, duh, it's a motorcycle and the other is rear wheel drive. We live in New Mexico so this is not a problem, but he insists that if global warming makes it freeze we're going to have to drive in my smart car and he's not going to have that. And he doesn't want to drive everywhere because he won't get in the smart car. He says if I get it he's going to withhold sex until I take it back. I think he's joking but he has this crazy issue with smart cars! I don't understand it. I have been trying so super hard to get what the frack he's so upset about but jesus and a goat I do not understand. I am going to get this car. I don't have money for another car and this one makes sense and I like it! How can I get him to deal with it and not be such a jerk? He's also gay and basically my age, by the way in case you want to know."
  • Carmela asks, "How do you deal with a friend who never offers to pay for anything and always takes free shit? My friend Georgia always expects people to give her stuff for free. Like, if we all order a pizza, everyone will throw ten bucks in but she won't do anything. If we specifically ask her for the cash, she'll hand it over, but it's always a little awkward. She just hopes that no one will ever ask. Recently she offered to host Thanksgiving at her house, but didn't want to supply the turkey. How can I politely explain to her that she needs to contribute her part? "
  • Mattheous asks, "Just to follow up on the questions with threesome stuff: we talked about it and agreed that rather than sort of...forcing the issue? With a friend, we'll just let it happen. That is to say we won't rule it out, but if someone's over and things get...heated, that's ok with her. Now my real problem...where to begin... I was a sickly child---I have a rare condition (won't say what it is on the podcast because it's so rare I could probably be identified by it) and by all rights I should have been dead by my 12th birthday. I moved around a lot, and in the last year of elementary school I only came in for half a day. It was quite...lonely, frankly. But there was this one girl--she was basically my best friend (other than that weird kid who blew my cover at recess by yelling at the top of his lungs "MATT LIKES ELIZABETH!"). I was looking at pictures of us (she was the only person that came to my birthday that wasn't a relative of my best friend, or a weird kid that was only invited because we felt sorry for him). I was looking at pictures (see attached--please do not publish) and the only time I'm smiling is when I'm near her. We even have a picture of us hoilding hands walking in the forest. Let's see..how do I sum up her personality...I never heard ANYONE say anything bad about her, nor have I heard her say anything bad about anyone. Put it this way: she majored in diplomacy, speaks three languages (English, Spanish, and Russian-- while I only speak/read Classical Latin). She lives in NYC (I recently moved to be just train ride away), and we're (my fiancee and I) are going to have dinner with her sometime. ...We WERE going to go on a double date, but apparently she ended the 5 year relationship with this idiot of a man. So she's single. And then there's....well, I'll just attach a picture. Since it's freely Google-able (please don't post this one either). I want to just like...casually mention to her that she's quite attractive, but would that be weird? I mean considering our history. I don't think it is...and it doesn't even sum up our relationship. We text at least three times a day if she has time--she works at an investment firm MTWTF and Sunday--so Saturday is her only day off. Which is very nice for me--because, like I said, she's basically my oldest friend. She eats at her desk, so I'm getting her a really nice spork for Xmas. STORY TIME! 1. One day we were sitting for story time in a circle like good little ...whatever you call children. I was sitting oddly, and she turns me and says "Please get your foot out of my vagina." No, I don't know how she knew that was a word and no I didn't know what she was talking about, but I adjusted my posture accordingly. 2. We went to Ellis Island (is that how you spell that?) and shared homemade chocolate chip cookies. My grandmother's, no less. 3. I was really sad when I was in a different homeroom in 5th grade. Didn't see much of her. TL;DR There's this adult friend that I had a crush on in elementery school that is (as you can see) a goddess and I don't know how to casually mention that to her in a way that she won't...be all awkward. And I don't think, after all this shit i've been through, that she'd just not be my friend anymore. But I don't even know how to act when you're having a meal with a woman that you last saw...more than decacde ago who's basically a goddess--and your fiancee. Oh, did I mention my fiancee think she's quite attractive? And that we're thinking about asking her to...play with us. But we need to get o know her better. Obviously. ...I'll shut up now. Please tell me what to do. "

Special Segment: Interview with Sara Grossman, creator of The Stand Up.

Final Thoughts: Erica's upside-down command hook.