The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkward.email for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

If you love the show, please help us keep making them! (This does not require a financial contribution.)

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

222: Deja Vu

September 2, 2018 at 3:00PM • 1 hour 2 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're cramming almost two shows into one because we the two shows we recorded got messed up! Fortunately, we're joined by the always funny Anayat and Kevin (hosts of the "Who's the A-hole?" podcast) to make the show feel new again. (For us. It's obviously going to be new for you!) Also, the blanket winner has been chosen—finally!




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Story Time: A coworker comments on Richard's dietary restrictions. Katherine recalls losing her second virginity.

Special guests: Anayat Fakhraie 

Questions

Canadan: "Consider this an entry for winning the blanket. Since you have given me more than enough free shit, please give the blanket to someone if there are other entries, otherwise, I’m happy to have it.

Initially I didn’t enter because I thought really hard and couldn’t think of a blanket story, but your further discussion on it made me remember that I do have one!

At the end of April, I moved into an apartment with my now-roomate. His name is Ennis, but I just call him daddy. Our new life together was coming together quite nicely. We found a cute apartment in a great location despite being pressed for time, and named the old victorian she’s in The Catharine Estate. After two long days, all our shit was moved in – including daddy’s rats. We’d even registered for our own electricity bill! You could say we were practically married, although our sex life has left a lot to desire (i.e. it doesn’t exist, but we never explicitly say that because we like to keep the people guessing).

Being the proactive individual I am, I called my existing internet service provider two weeks before moving to tell them I was changing addresses. Their friendly customer service rep thanked me for calling and assured we’d have a tech over to “do the installation” within a day or two of arriving. Which I thought sounded like bullshit since all I had to do was move my existing equipment and plug it in, but the rep said they’d have to “check the lines” n some shit so I was like, whatever, just waive the activation fee.

Fast-forward to over a week after we moved in and, alas, we did not have internet! Daddy and I called the provider nearly every day to ask for an update, and the story never changed. Their parent company was experiencing some sort of infrastructure outage, so, long story short, it was impossible for them to schedule a tech to come in.

Call us spoiled, entitled millennials, but the no-internet-connection days were dark. Lately, I’ve been wondering why time seems to fly by so quickly, but I’ve come to realize that it was just the two weeks in total we waited for internet that instead seemed to go by more slowly. In the end, we switched providers (shoutout to our girl Cassandra for getting shit done).

But the time waiting was the WORST. Daddy was in the process of looking for a job and I was in the process of not getting fired from mine (since I have to work from home often, requiring the internet). The slow-ass bubble tea shop around the corner got mad coin from us since we had to go there so often to use their wifi. But since we’re kind of broke recent grads, we couldn’t go there for wi-fi all the time, so some days, we just found our own things to do at home.

This is where the blanket comes in (bet you’re pissed it took this long!). This one night, while at home without internet, daddy and I just entered this alternate state of mind. I thought it would be a great idea to make a fort out of chairs and blankets and just exist in it a for a while, and he agreed. So we did, and it was magical. Not only did the blankets and chairs provide us more joy than internet possibly could have in that moment, but I also had the opportunity to perform for him as Sia. You guys always say you want a photo, but I have instead attached a video. Feel free to refer to it for internal purposes or share it if you’d like. As you will see, even my Sia performance involved a blanket!

Now that we are fortunate enough to have an internet connection, we have not engaged in blanket play in a while. But we do have a podcast called How You Mean? because daddy thought it would be fun (I swear it’s not a plug, I just figured it was relevant to the story because Adam and I have talked about it). If no one else enters the contest, maybe having a new blanket will allow daddy and I to spice things up in the living room once again.

- CanaDan
21-year-old bi Canadian, in case you forgot or wanted to argue about my age again"

Max: "hey guys,

hope you're not too hot or pass out on your 6 minutes of outside time. i have a blanket story even though its probably too late: i had an affair with my roommate for some time while her boyfriend lived in another country. for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to invite him to love with us (we lived in a big old children's hospital so there were some spare rooms). we tried to not fuck but you know how it is: after a week we started again and he got suspiscous. a month later we were in my room (i lived upstairs) when he burst into my room. he didn't even knock and we weren't friends so i still think he was wrong btw. his girlfriend and i were naked in the bed and he was like WTF? SERIOUSLY? i didn't know how to deal with the situation and the invasion of my privacy so i hid under the blanket. she told him to go away and he eventually did but we were afraid to leave the room and stayed under the blanket the rest of the day.

great story right? can i have the blanket now?

thank you and keep the podcast going please it's my favourite form of escapism

aloha
max/24/bi"

K: "I see my girl posting on twitter and instagram all the time but while I send her texts she ignores me. What's this about?"

Mathæyós: "Every fucking time I stand up pee in a regular toilet (not a urinal) I get splash back. I'm not sure if it's because my stream is so strong (I've had it described as a power washer by my father to a doctor when I was a kid) or my height but I keep getting a splash back.

And since it's summer it gets on my legs because I have to wear shorts, which I hate. Which pisses me off. Or maybe it's the fact that it's 77 fucking fahrenheit in here. It still pisses me off!

What do I do? How not to get splash back without sitting down?"

Celia: "My little sister who's 14 is dating a gay boy who's 15. He's not in the closet and thinks my sister is a boy. My family moved to our town awhile ago and people are kinda dumb here to be honest and she looks like a boy. My parents work all the time and are like just checked out pretty much so nobody's correcting anyone and my sister doesn't care because she's got a boyfriend. But the gay boy is gonna find out when he pulls down her pants. Like she's got a vagina obviously. I don't think my sister is trans but just really horny. Like should I do something or do you think maybe it'll just be okay?"

Anonymous: "Aloha. Let's just get it out of the way: I got the hots for my sister. That's been going for eight years but she's not ever going to want me like that and I know it's bad to do. I'm not going to fuck her. I just wanna move on please. Do you have any ideas for me? When I smell her in my memories I just want to feel her but I don't want to be so creepy. I can't shake it though. Please help."