The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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211: Flat Earth, Flat Universe, Plumpy Birgina

May 28, 2018 at 10:00AM • 1 hour 9 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about Pet Cemetery Plot Predicaments, Neuro-drug Cocktails, and Penis Whitening!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Storytime: Erica buys her mom a battery for Mother's Day and her mom misunderstands the gift. Erica also goes to a party, gets confused for the help, and struggles to fairly rate a Lyft driver.


J : "Hi,

I listen off and on to Awkward Human and when the mood strikes and the topics interest me I love it! I recently started binging another podcast called Other People's Lives. The description is as follows: "Phone calls with anonymous strangers found on the Internet. A podcast by @joesantagato & @gregdybec." Those are their twitter handles. They have episodes from people who behave as children with their partners to furies and everything in between. Certainly eye opening and presents interviews with people that otherwise I'd not discuss such matters with. Can't remember if you really would interview other podcasters about their show but having them on as guests might be pretty cool. Unrelated, but I was at the emergency room keeping a friend company. A couple came in with their dog (wiener or something) and it had a pink jacket and sweater. Mind you the emergency room waiting area is more or less full with people standing. They decided to sit down and give their dog a seat...I turned to my friend and said "God dammit" which he responded "yep that sums up this experience." Immediately thought of that damn dog from a few years ago and the Sega."

Nelly: "Gonna just get this out of the way up front: I’m a plot calculator at a local franchise of pet cemeteries in Virginia. If you google it please don’t say the name on the show. My boss is never gonna hear it however I don’t want to get bit in the butt by SEO over this.

Anywho it goes like this. Pets come in different ways. Some people buy plots ahead of the big day to reserve a spot for one reason or another. Some people do it like they’re collecting dog and cat corpses. Others just want something close to the parking lot because they don’t want to walk or want everyone to see they’re the saddest over their pet? I’m jaded from this job and just decide it’s for the dumbest reason or reasons when I don’t know. I don’t know why we need pet cemeteries for IMHO. We have backyards, oceans and ovens for fuck’s sake. It’s just like the economy happened and now I work in another universe where the world’s on fire but the most important event every day is some dog or cat corpse. The condition these things come in also you wouldn’t believe. Sometimes we get pieces...just pieces of the animal. I have a work friend Sven who keeps me sane. We would never hang out if it wasn’t for this dumb job. Sven is bisexual and flirts a lot. That’s kind of unrelated but it helps me not go crazy. I don’t want to date a girl and tell her this is what I do but you feel unwanted sometimes when it’s like that. Sven gives me a confidence boost but he’s addicted to the opera and no. None of that for me, thank you very much. Oh and my name is Nelson but everyone calls me Nelly because I guess I wouldn’t go to sleep when I was little unless Pimp Juice was on a loop. Well so my boss has a “own your mistakes” policy which means if you fuck up you have to clean up after yourself. Sometimes it works out a different way though. My job is really boring because I just assign all the pets to plots. Sometimes we have walk ins and the rest are reserved. The computer glitched and I accidentally had a dog buried with somebody’s bird and they found out when the gravestone guy came in and bulldozed the bird’s gravestone to make way for the dog. This did not go over well but it was a database error and not my fault. Still it’s my mess to cleanup and I don’t know what the fuck to say to these pet mourners who are both very unhappy. So please help if you can."

A: "I'm just going to preface this by saying, of you aren't Adam, you are probably going to be really bored, and I'm sorry. I've always wanted to be on the show but I've never really had anything, so here's something tangentially related. I guess this story starts out when I got my neuropsych, basically I have ADD, anxiety, depression, and recall issues. I kept getting drugs and I would be asked if I felt anything different. I can't remember if it was because I couldn't remember not being on that drug or if I was just attributing any changes in mood to other variables. That leads me to now, I am now on Paxil, Seroquel and Lithium. The latter being the newest, and I think that is when my memory loss started. I think I used to have a pretty good memory but now I can't mentally recreate any past dates. Now I'm also starting to wonder why I'm taking Seroquel and Paxel. Obviously it's to treat my mental problems, but I can't remember what life was like before taking them. I don't really have a question, I'm just confused and needed to organize my thoughts. You don't have to put this on the show but you're free to if you need some filler. Also I'm barely stay staying awake to write this so sorry if my writing is shit. Also sorry again everyone."

Mattheyós: "This just in:"

  • Beyonce Or Ben Stiller?

    There aren't many people who would confuse Ben Stiller and Beyonce - clearly they don't look anything alike - but thanks to an optical illusion there are a lot of folks who are struggling to tell the difference between the two stars.

  • Penis Whitening Is Now a Very Popular Trend in Thailand

    Elite Readers: "The treatment uses pigment-blasting laser for those who want to banish dark parts on their nether regions." (via Mattheyós)