The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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193: Milk Grandma

December 17, 2017 at 7:00PM • 1 hour 2 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about virgin kissers, ignorant dog training, and anchor hocking obsession. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email for more options!




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Toni's friend dated her second cousin and a cat man and isn't sure if she should tell her engaged-to-be-engaged-not-yet-fiancée. Erica discovers a woman who wants men to bathe her milk, but it's actually a young man.

This Week's Questions:

  • Kiss Virgin (15/SF) asks, "I'm sorry if this is really long, but I have an awkward situation and a question,that is semi-urgent. I'll start with the situation. so yesterday I (15 y/o straight female) was on a bus for 8 hours with my boyfriend of 2 months (15 y/o straight male, you can call him Billy). To shorten the story, Billy asked me if I wanted to make out, after like 4 hours of cuddling and I fell asleep on him. I said no because my brother was sitting in front of us and I would be in so much shit if my parents found out, they don't even let me see him outside of school and school events. But when I got home I realized I really did want to kiss him. So fast forward to tonight, our school band concert in the gym (poor smalltown school in rural Canada). It's pretty casual, nobody notices if you slip out for a bit, or so we thought. So I told Billy I wanted to kiss him afterall, and we found an empty hallway and went around a corner to make out. So we were standing face to face with our arms around eachother, with our faces like 1 inch away when shit hits the fan. I should probably mention that this is both mine and his first relationship ever, and I am/was a kiss virgin. anyhow, so I'm down to have my first kiss when the following things happen: 1. Billy reveals he's also a kiss virgin, and we realize we both don't know what the fuck we're doing. 2. We both basically say fuck it and go in for the kiss. Our lips brush against eachother after missing the first time around. But like it lasted maximum 2 seconds before we hear approaching footsteps. 3. We don't have time to pull away before a teacher rounds the corner, catches us basically floundering, and does this huge disappointed sigh. Our town has 500 people max, so we've known her since kindergarten, to make it more awkward. 4. Teacher pretty much drags us back to the gym, we can almost feel the hate radiating off of her. She's famous for getting into other people's lives, tbh. Nothing else happens the rest of the night, she stood 3meters behind us at all times. So now my question, I know it sounds stupid but I only have a younger brother, no older cousins/relatives I can talk to, and my parents don't even know we hold hands, let alone kiss. My friends I actually trust to talk to have never kissed anyone or had a relationship so they're no help in this situation. I have literally nobody to talk to about this, and like I tried googling it but that just low-key confused me. So, my question, how do you kiss somebody..? I'm not talking about what to do with my hands or how to initiate it, I mean how do you do the actual act of kissing with your lips? I'm so clueless please help."
  • Peter asks, "Hey humans! Do you think you can train a dog to ignore you? I'd recently to come back to live with my parents. If that isn't bad enough, they have a very annoying dog. He’s always inside and demanding attention and I'm just not up to that. He comes to me, barks at me, climbs to my lap, etc. and I'd love if he just ignored me and left me alone. How do I get the dog to do that?"
  • Canadan asks, "My mom and I have been to this local breakfast place a few times and every time, she gets so excited and raves over the clear glass coffee mugs they have. There’s nothing special about them – I guess she’d just never seen coffee served in a clear mug before, and is always super impressed by how you can see the contents of the mug from the side. I figured I’d get her some for Christmas since she loved the ones at the breakfast place so much, and I found some in the style she liked on Amazon. Before proceeding to order, checked the customer reviews, and this is what one “Anonymous” person had to say in 2009 (5 stars, Amazon says it’s a verified purchase). It looks like something someone would write into the show and Erica would read and then you’d all be like “where’s the question” so I had to share it: Anchor Hocking 16 ounce Crystal Cafe Mug: Versatile for beverages & foods! PERFECT! It takes a lot to impress me, as I think most products are junk. This is an example of an extremely well designed, perfectly functional, and absolutely beautiful product! So I write- a LOT- about this Anchor Hocking Crystal Cafe Mug: After ~ a decade of daily use, every single day I still l-o-v-e my am coffee in this jumbo capacity mug. They seem like a fine European designed & engineered product- Sturdy, heavyweight glass, perfectly weighted in the hand(s), on cold days I wrap both hands around a steaming cup of java, cocoa, or even soup broth & sip to really warm up. I serve all sorts of drinks and foods in these mugs- including home-made cocoa with plenty of room to heap mounds of mini-marshmallows on top, broth & hearty soups/stews and other vegetarian dishes, fruit salads, plain or layered deserts such as sorbet topped with fruit or drizzled with honey, ice cream sundaes, layered cake with pudding, fruit, &/or whip cream, the clear glass perfectly allows the beauty of prepared foods to show through. Fabulous for iced tea in summer, clear glass shows icy beverage with lemon slice- and holds a lot for hot days when you are thirsty. These look just beautiful on the table, coordinate with everything (since they are clear glass), & appear to be a restaurant-quality/heavy use caliber Cafe Mug. These hearty mugs go in the microwave, then to the table & finally the fridge for space-conserving leftover food storage, and because they're so smooth/rounded, they clean up VERY easily and beautifully, crystal-clear glass, either in the dishwasher or hand-washed. The handles are well-designed too- perfectly functional, no place for food particles or grease to lodge & build up over time- these mugs clean up like brand new every single time. I am very clumsy/careless with glassware, yet I break only a few of these heavy mugs each year. The slightly flared lip of the rim is thick/sturdy but without being overly bulky to drink from- just perfect- fluids comfortably flow from glass to mouth, seemingly encouraging perfect control, and without spillage. Plus, this sturdy, rounded, flared rim is really not overly prone to chipping/cracking/breakage. My occasional breakage seems to occur when loading or unloading dishwasher, and the bendable metal plastic-coated prongs of the dishwasher racks "trap/stick" a mug, & I yank on it to get it out, only to have it suddenly release with me yanking on it & I end up smashing it into something else (old dishwasher, due for replacement!). I really love the way the sturdy "stem" portion of the mug just elevates the contents inside the glass an inch off of the table for an elegant look, feel, and function. The rounded interior bottom of the mug allows it to be used as a deep bowl- just fill to an inch below the rim- great for preventing spills both while you wait for hot foods/drinks to cool and while you eat/drink contents. Also, I enjoy healthful foods (and am healthy, physically active, and slender), and these mugs serve perfectly as "portion control" measure for meals in a mug. Lastly, even after 10 years, everytime my extended family & friends visit, they all love this mug & I've given lots as gifts, everyone loves them! I always keep an extra case or two in storage, to replace them as I occasionally break one or a few, and (gasp!) just in case they are ever discontinued. L-O-V-E this Anchor Hocking Crystal Cafe Mug! Cheers! (pun intended)"

Special Segment:

Final Thoughts: I have to pee. Do you have to pee?

Related Links:

  • Bathe in My Milk: Soy, almond, or traditional!
  • Alan Wagner and His Vids: If you want to know who's behind the milk...
  • Bodum BISTRO Insulated Coffee Mug: The best glass coffee mugs!
  • Dating a First Cousin: "What are the pros and cons (legally and morally) of dating your 1st cousin? To make a long story short, my cousin and I became close friends, then fell in love with each other. We have that "don't care" attitude on what others say or think about our relationship, but are curious anyway."