The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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Fat Allison's Pungent Bathroom Odors

155: Fat Allison's Pungent Bathroom Odors

March 5, 2017 at 10:00PM • 1 hour 11 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about some douche named Lukas, BDSM puppy friendships, and office shit. Questions/comments/stories/ideas for our third year anniversary? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!

Special guest: Sarah Klegman




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam tries not to flirt with a fat nurse named Allison (who isn't actually fat, and rather heavier than average, but it'll make sense when you listen). Erica's boyfriend gets drunk-dialed by his mom.

This Week's Questions:

  • Smoggies asks, "Thank you Adam, Richard and Erica! I'm sorry, I had no part in the Smoggies cartoon. It was something I thought maybe Erica did watch as a kid (maybe she watched Mr. Dressup?). I just really liked the theme song, it gets in my head and i wanted it to get in your guys' head too. With respect to me saying I was the red one is basically me making a joke that made no sense. BTW is Erica still looking for the Pillsbury™ Apple Flaky Turnovers? I was strolling by my grocery store and found some. Let me know if she needs any. You guys are the best! Keep up the great work."
  • Sami (23/BM) asks, "Hey Erica, Richard and friends! i'm sami, 23 year old bi-man. i have a story that i always wanted to share with you guys, so you can tell me i reacted in the only right way and everyone else just doesn't get life. so let's start: i used to live in an old chidren's hospital in berlin with a lot of other people. we had a lot of space to do weird shit but mostly i liked it because i just moved out from home 500km away and knew nobody, so ot was great way to meet cool people. anyway, i mostly hung out with 10 people. we shared a big kitchen and dining room and cooked every evening. after about 1 year a girl named Maxie moved to our floor and we really got along. we started hanging out a lot. she was odd in a good way and we started watching breaking bad together. i guess you know what happens next. she had a boyfriend but he lived in anonther city so we started having sex. it was great, but we talked about it, decided to stop because it would be to complicated, started again, and all that. in one phase of us not having a thing "never again, this time for sure!" she convinced her boyfriend to move to berlin. and not only that but in our nice children's hospital. he came, suspecting nothing, i obviously hated him from the beginning (i mean come on, he is boring and his voice is really weird and why would she like him?). we started our weird thing again, 2 days after he moved in and she broke up with him the next morning. lukas (that's the guys name. what a shit name, don't you think?)was very upset however he wanted to keep living in the same fucking house. wtf? maxie and i kept seeing each other, now she mostly came upstairs to my room, because her's was right next to lukas. he saw us hanging out a couple of times, one time he was really drunk and angry. well long story short: one morning he opened my door to us having sex. he stood in the doorway screaming whatever, maxie told him he has to go now and i did the only logical thing: i just turned to the opposite wall and pretended to not be there. he left and everyone hated us, although they didn't even like lukas that much (did i mention that he sucks? like a lot?) and to this day i don't think he has any right to be upset with me or maxie becuase they were broken off for over a month when he walked into my room. he didn't know about our affair before and he has no right to walk in my room. we never have been friends and i never invited him or even talked to him more than "could you pass the salt". so what do you say? i don't need tips to handle this situation, all of this happened 3 years ago. but we were right, right? cya, sami ps: the sex was great and we're still friends!"
  • CanaDan asks, "Hi Erica and no one else, I’m not sure what the difference is between what 23andMe tests for and the genes they use for the DNA art, but that could be an interesting project! As for science things in Canada, something from this most recent episode 154 that I’ve also thought about is the placenta eating thing. I don’t know much about the subject personally, but I recently attended a talk by a professor researching developmental programming (how your environment in the womb may influence or “program” your health and disease risk after birth). Put simply, she knows a thing or two about placentas. I won’t identify her by name because it’s not like I have permission to quote her, but in the seminar, someone asked her about eating placentas. She essentially said that there may be nutritional benefit from eating placentas, although it doesn’t seem that there are definitive studies surrounding this in humans. And although many animals do eat their placentas after giving birth, this need does not seem to translate to humans. Going through labour is an energy-intensive process, and with animals, mothers often cannot leave their newborns safely to go get nourishment. So it may have a lot more to do with accessing food for the new mother as she recovers from labour rather than any nutrition unique to the placenta. Or, as the professor put it, “You don’t need to eat your placenta because we have grocery stores.""
  • Jeff (30/BM) asks, "Hello Adam et all, I just want to say I love the show. I started listening a couple weeks ago and am getting caught up on the past episodes.I started at the beginning and am currently at #150. No awkward issue or question, today, but I do have one I'll probably send in when I have more time to write, and am not sending it from my phone. Keep up the great work, Jeff P.s. Married 30 year old bi guy listening from north east Wisconsin, not that that has any relevance to this email."
  • Guerilla Mail Ultra Confidential Submission asks, "Aloha, I'm hoping you all could give me some advice on with a work bathroom situation. I work at a school where there are only a few faculty bathrooms. The one closest to my office is a very popular one. I can barely pee for 20 seconds without a knock on the door. Needless to say, this popularity leads to many odors left behind. One day in particular, I went to use the bathroom and the odor was overwhelmingly foul. Someone clearly shit their brains out and the lack of ventilation created a shit hot box. I really had to pee so I tried not to breathe through my nose and quickly finish. As I was leaving, I noticed another co worker who I am friendly but not friends with about to enter. I immediately got nervous thinking about her associating the smell with me, and silently thinking of me as the shit girl forever. I thought for a second about making a joke such as "someone before me really blew it up in there so prepare yourself", but again I didn't know her well enough to know how she would receive that. I didn't know if it would be more awkward to mention it or not mention it. This happened about a month ago and I still think about it frequently. I have since bought febreeze to keep in there to somewhat avoid this occurrence in the future. Any input would be appreciated for my piece of mind and also possible future occurances. Thanks!!!"
  • Jonathan asks, "Hey Awkward Human! I have this friend that will call T. He’s male to clarify. I was roommates with him in a summer program during the summer of my sophomore year of college. he since dropped out of the program but we’ve remained friends. He happens to be gay which doesn’t bother me at all. He’s also dating someone that happens to be older, 30 or so to his age of 23. Within the past year to his discovered that he has a Pup fetish. I had to put the breaks on him oversharing to me as personally I don’t find it arousing and feel that it shouldn’t be shared as openly with friends. I myself am not opposed to some light BDSM but being a Pup is not for me. Currently he works as a manager at a pet shop. He dropped out of school and was originally going to become a teacher. In texting him recently he mentioned that he’s thinking of getting into working for a BDSM cruise line (didn’t know that was a thing). Respectfully I feel that is more of a hobby and have a hard time understanding the career trajectory that could lead to. I also think this has manifested to his whole life revolving around sex and the BDSM (Pup) fetish. Though I don’t think it’s a gay thing, he’s one to not always take advice. Is it worth it to me to try to reach out to him? Should I wean off the friendship? Some things I just don’t care to know about my friends."
  • Zack (19/GM) asks, "Hey ERA I thought why not update and tell you how I been doing. Well first I took you advice and the next time I knew I would have sex I did use those things, and I had a better experience. Two I at this point has come to terms and not uncomfortable with the fact I did that anymore. Lastly I wanted to talk to the guy about it but I guessed 75% would happened, we would speak again so I don't have to worry about that. Just felt like updating. PS. I have bingeing and some of the things you said have helped me in real life as well. (For those who can't remember, Zack wrote in about pooping during sex and we discussed it on episode 150.)"

Special Segment: The gang casts a magic spell to make everyone dream about a dildo parade by uttering the exact weight of Queen Elizabeth's sigmoid colon in milligrams while flowing through each number in iambic pentameter. Is that good enough for you?! Jeez...

Final Thoughts: How deep is the color blue if you piss in it?

Related Links:

  • Sarah's Instagram: Sarah's live stream didn't get saved, unfortunately, since that's apparently how Instragram works BUT you can still check her out anyway!
  • Fat Allison's Corpulent Jubilation: In case anyone's curious (and, yes, we know corpulent isn't spelled with an A—that error was made over a decade ago!)