The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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Fondler's Amnesia

150: Fondler's Amnesia

January 29, 2017 at 8:00PM • 1 hour 43 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about life partner guidelines, fondler's amnesia, and even more pooping during sex! Questions/comments/stories/shitsuations? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!

Special Guest: Denise Langone (our production coordinator!)

Adam & Eve! They still like us! If you like us and want to support the show, go buy something from them! We're customers, too, and intend to use our discount code, HUMAN, with our next purchase. Do the same and everybody wins. :)




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Denise rides a Lyft with the Southie stereotype she loves and Erica has an accidental digital affair with Abdul.

This Week's Questions:

  • Julia (First Klegman Pioneer of 2016) asks, "Thanks for the advice guys! Loved Abel's input on the source of the guilt being from society because I am very Fuck Society these days. I have talked it out with the bf and he is totally okay with him and the guy being friends, and we we have not hooked up again. I think I probably am making this bigger than it really is because I care about my bf like you said. That being said, I do totally have a weird sort of connection with this guy that I haven't experienced before. I am not actually that physically attracted to him and he is not someone I would want to be in a relationship with, but I am drawn to him in a weird way. I think I am just starting to realize that you can love someone with your whole heart but have feelings for someone else...this is all way more fluid than I have always thought. Anyway, thanks for your input. You guys rock and have changed the way I think about a lot of things (for the better) since I started listening to the podcast. Also, I sang the silver and gold friend song in girl scouts. And I love you all equally, Erica. Julia PS I loved the potato"
  • Brian (Second 2016 Klegman Pioneer) asks, "Hey Adam Sorry it took me so long to thank you for the award. I did receive my potato and it is currently on display in my bedroom. I don’t want it to get all rotten but i want to keep it. Any ideas on how to preserve it? Dip it in some kind of clear polyurethane? Or could i plant it to make it grow something? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks again! Love the show! P.S. Can you please bring back Lionel Gaymen? He is one of my favorite guests. I wonder what he would have to say about president Trump and our political environment. Did he march this past weekend? Again my apologies for not letting you know sooner that i received my award. Oh and Ashley manta is the shit. Thank you guys for your time and energy and all that goes into creating such a great podcast."
  • Antonia asks, "Is there types of common mistakes that people make when choosing a life partner? Is it cold judgment or the heart wanting what it is wanting? I need some guidelines!"
  • Brooklyn asks, "Hi there Awkward Humans! I really hope you can help me out here. I’m writing about something that happened between two of my friends, we’ll call them Anna and Dennis. Dennis is a really good friend, nice, funny, but he’s one of those guys who crushes on every girl he knows, and has likely said the words “I don’t understand why girls don’t like nice guys” and used the term “Friendzoned” just about every time a girl didn’t like him. He can’t get his dating-brain out of middle school. It was clear to all of us that he had a thing for Anna but she wasn’t interested (He does have framed puzzles on his walls so I can understand the disinterest). He has never asked her out, or really told her how he feels, but he still gets a weirdly defensive when another guy is hitting on her, it’s a little strange. Needless to say, Anna felt a little awkward around him, but it didn’t really affect her because he never did anything. Last week my husband and I had some friends over for a night of board games and heavy drinking (because we’re married but still like to party). We had a lot fun, so much so that both Anna and Dennis passed out on our couch. Anna had planned to sleep on the couch since she drove, but Dennis lives within walking distance. Was was passed out cold. We went to bed, fully expecting to see them on the couch in the morning, so imagine my surprise when they we both gone. At the time I thought nothing of it. A few days later, Anna asked me if Dennis had said anything to us about Friday night. I didn't know what she was talking about, all I knew was that he had completely blacked out, he didn’t remember the last rousing game of “Heads Up”, let alone getting home. This obviously set off alarm bells. I asked her what happened, hoping I was wrong to be concerned. She told me that she woke up on my couch in the middle of the night to Dennis on top of her, with his hands on her body, and him kissing her neck. She pushed him away, startled. He sat back and looked at her confused. She got up, grabbed her keys and left. I was shocked to hear this. She was obviously shaken. She knew he didn’t remember the incident, she didn’t want to see him, but she didn’t know how to make it clear to him why. I want to help her, but I’m not sure what to do. Obviously we have to tell him what he did to her, but how do you tell someone they sexually assaulted their friend? She doesn’t know what to do. Should she be the one to tell him? Should I talk to him for her? Should I tell one of the guys to talk to him, since clearly he suffers from some fragile masculinity? Is my friend Dennis just a big creep?? What would you do? Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for everything, Brooklyn"
  • Zack (19/GM) asks, "Hello co workers Zack( a 19 year old gay male) so Sunday night I hooked up with a guy, which I never do unless I really want sex. We talked a little on grindr before then but let's get to the point. I get to his house, and we get in the tub to have a bubble bath (which felt so great). I forgot to mention I had a tiny bit of a upset stomach so I warned him if he wanted to do anal that you were warned. To get back to the story we were in the tub with the lights out and he got hard and I got hard so he sticks it up my ass fast forward to the bed. We are having more sex and when he pulls out I let a fart and he laughs at it but some poop came out too, so when he turns on the lights there is poop on the bed I feel bad and he says I'm a nurse it is ok so I go to the bathroom to get the rest of the poop out, rest of the night I feel tiny bit weirded out about what I did but for him it seemed like a normal thing to happen at work. We cuddle afterwards and we wake up in the morning and he takes me home. Should I have not thought about more than I did or am I right to say that it is still awkward?"

Special Segment: We got too much to talk about this week for one of these!

Final Thoughts: Penis moisturizing cream: would you buy it and not masturbate with it?