The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

147: Droopy Dog's Fancy New Vagina

January 12, 2017 at 7:00PM • 1 hour 26 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the 10-minute man, shitting the bed, and droopy transgender vaginas. Questions/comments/stories/whatevers? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email for more options!

Guest: Tommy Honton




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Tommy misdials a date and Richard gets towed by an asshole.

This Week's Questions:

  • Bonnie from Boston (29/SF) asks, "Hey fellow awkward people -- That is totally irrelevant to my message but I felt I should include it anyway I have some questions about the podcast that I was hoping you could answer. I've been listening for a few months but didn't start from the beginning and I haven't yet gotten the answers to these questions:
    • Who the heck are you people? What do you do for work / what industry do you work in? How do you know each other
    • Very often you have guests and when you introduce them you tell us their names but nothing else about them. I really enjoyed the episode where the couple was saying how their neighbors called the cops on them. The female was hysterical and seems A LOT like me. But I spent the whole episode wondering - who is she? Does she have her own podcast? How to the hosts know her?
    I don't want this to sound rude so please don't take it that way. On the same note as your guests -- often when you bring them onto the show, they are impossible to hear! Sometimes it sounds like most if you are using head mics (which sound great) and then your guest is far in the distance speaking quietly from a different room about their dingleberries. I'm willing to admit that my hearing isn't great so maybe this issue is unique to me. But holy hell I want to hear the guests. :( Love the show, thanks for the laughs. - Bonnie from Boston"
  • Mattheous (27/SM) asks, "Hello Awkward Humans! I tried leaving a voice mail for this story, but my phone cut my off about two sentences in. 27/cis-gendered male, but you probably know that at this point. After hearing episode 141 and the story about Cjay’s shit experience, I had to write in my own. Some background: I’m on 20 individual medications (as in I have 20 scripts but I’ll have 10 pills in one of my 4 medication doses (every 6 hours, for those of you keeping track at home). These include two different types of potassium, a nasal spray, among other things. The lists of side effects includes, but is not limited to tiredness, broken bones, and strokes (the list goes on, but I don’t have time to list them all). Ever since my strokes I get stressed out—to the extent that I shit my pants. Explosively. Without warning. Which is why a meditate 6 times a day and don’t do anything involving phone calls, and my version of work (i.e. surviving—calling insurance vogons, government vogons and ‘doctors’) after 12PM on weekdays—I don’t do this shit on weekends.. I also try to not have any appointments after this time. So prior to taking care of Tiberious I was staying at my friend’s house…let’s call her Sally. All the waiting and unknown stuff was very stressful. I got there a week before he got out of hospice, so I was just sitting around waiting to go over to his house to take care of him. Sidebar: Sally is Puerto Rican. Now, I don’t know how much you know about Puerto Ricans but they eat a fuck ton of rice with oil. Lots of oil. Like she had three 5 gallon jugs of oil in her cupboard. Also she does not keep to American hygiene levels. Like she rinses everything but doesn’t dry it, has bugs in her house, the dogs have free reign…I mentioned this to Tiberious and he said it wasn’t just her, it was Puerto Rican thing. They just have a different sense of what clean is (according to him). I don’t know if that’s true or not, but the Puerto Rican way of doing things does not agree with my stomach. Literally.. Apparently clean is getting bacteria everywhere, because that’s what she does by rinsing things in her dirty sink, not drying them, rinsing her hands and not drying them and going to cook. Back to the story. I was sitting in bed reading when I feel like I have to fart. So I did. Except it wasn’t a fart. It was an explosion of near epic proportions, all over the guest bed room. So I waddle over to the bathroom (luckily it was just across the hall) and spend about a half hour cleaning myself up. It’s wasn’t just regular shit. It was green (due to one of my medications), watery and everywhere. To the extent that I just throw away my boxers when this happens. I go back into the bedroom and my first though it is “Goddamn it. Now I have to buy Sally a new bed.”. Because she, being Sally, doesn’t’ believe in mattress covers (even though she fosters dogs). So my shit was right on the mattress. Well. Had spread over the mattress. So I spent about 2 hours cleaning it up—luckily she had some enzyme spray for dog stuff that helped clean it up. And then it happened again. At TIberious’s house. On his vintage couch. Luckily it was all contained and didn’t get anywhere that time. But yeah. Cjay’s experience is nothing compared to the amount of shit (literally and figuratively and not just mine) that I’ve been dealing with the past 3 months. See the interview on taking care of the terminally ill for more information. Because fuck me, I don’t have enough medical issues to deal with."
  • Xuan I. (39/SF) asks, "My boyfriend cums in my vagina in 10 minutes or less and even less than that in my ass. I am a lady and I actually like it in the ass. But I said to him it's not going in there until you stop cummin' so fast. He has been happier with me but I had to say it. I want to ask you what I can do in a situation of this kind. Can I train him to not explode inside of my body until I tell him? It's like I'm a bomb squad and am so bad at my job. I don't want to be Ms. Bitch anymore. How can I fix him so he can cum in me and have his pleasure and we don't both leave the bedroom disappointed? No, eating my pussy after won't cut the mustard. I like getting fucked and cumming while getting fucked. I am built that way. It runs in the family so that's what you've got to deal with. Good luck to you in helping me!"
  • Bonnie from Boston (28/SF) asks, "Hello awkward people! Hopefully you can help me to deal with my newly horribly awkward worklife. I'm not sure if this is a topic you guys will want to tackle because I know normally you specialize in sexual dysfunctions and farting into coffee cans. I work for a large company in an role where I do a range of tasks including event planning and data management. There are only 4 other people with my job, and one "lead". We all work for the same boss, but when we have big events, the lead plans them and the rest of us help out. (Note: My coworkers are all late 20s, straight and female.) At these events, I've had the chance to befriend my peers and help two of the least-experienced girls with a range of projects. Normally the Lead should do these things, but our lead didn't know how and I was happy to help. Overall - things were great .. up until our lead quit. To my surprise, my boss assigned me as a temporary lead for a few upcoming events, up until they could fill the position permanently. This is where everything went south. Suddenly Sam and Steph became bratty, whiney assholes towards me. To make matters worse, our boss would often ask me to do tasks that they should do, because they don't know how to do them. I didn't mind because I'm always trying to succeed at work, but this only complicated the relationship I had with them. I kind of wish my boss had just told them that they sucked so that they would better understand why I was doing their tasks. Awkward. Now, the roll their eyes every time I speak, give me a hard time about every decision and criticize everything I touched and overall seem like they want to do everything they can to make me uncomfortable. It worked, I feel uncomfortable. Most of all, I felt really sad because i spent a lot of time helping Sam and Steph and it crushed me that they would suddenly treat me this way. They upset me so much that the next time they needed help, I chose not to respond. .. the fucking nerve of them to ask for my help after all of that. I suddenly felt incredibly out of place at my own events, a few of which I was really proud of. Even though my two peers seemed to hate everything I did, my boss felt differently. I received a bonus to award me for an event I planned and he encouraged me to apply for the Lead position. The new position is a 25% pay bump and doesn't have many disadvantages besides working with Sam and Steph (and being their "lead", where I can't just avoid them). On the bright side, I only see them 4-5 times a year at the events I'll be planning. I really do want the job but I feel so fucking uncomfortable. I have already decided to apply (and I'm pretty certain I will get the position) but I have so many things to decide Do I just act like nothing happened with these two girls and move on? Do I try to talk to them? keep in mind, I am severely awkward and just the idea of this makes me uncomfortable. Do I hope my boss tells them that they fucking suck so I knocks them down a peg? Do I make alliances with the other girls and just ignore the other two? Or do I try to be he best fucking lead ever and let that be a middle-finger to those girls who clearly want me to fail? What the fuck do I do. Thanks!"
  • Droopy (Fucking Old/TF) asks, "I'm trans and I'm fucking old. Yes, thirties is old. It feels old, I feel old, and if I had a pussy it would be droopier than that goddamned dog. You remember him, don't you? Droopy the Dog? If you don't remember him, it's because you're not OLD. Anyhow, I have two questions. First of all, do you even call yourself trans if you don't plan on transitioning? Google refuses to be my neighbor and actually give me the fucking answer. Damned transphobic search engines! Won't you be my neighbor? (Don't remember that cultural reference either? It's probably because you're not OLD) My SECOND question: At this age it seems pointless for me to transition because... why? I mean, I still want to, and if I could clap my hands and get some lips down there, I'd be clapping all goddamned day. But is this something I'm going to dread when I'm 50 and even droopier? Will I be fine? Will I care less the older I get? More? I don't even know. Sign me up for the future when we can get body transplants, please. With love, thanks, asses and spanx, Droopy."

Special Segment: Dakota tells us what it was like finding love at age 12, and also a vasectomy at almost twice that age!

Final Thoughts: Clarence Thomas once said, "the anger you feel in your heart is a result of the impacted stool in your soul." Now, you might not believe he said that but can you definitively prove he did not?