The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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141: The Pubic Dolphin Emerges

December 4, 2016 at 9:45PM • 1 hour 8 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about a crazy lawsuit, hungry ex-boyfriends, and dick hair. Special guest: Cjay (@CjayLyfe)

Call/text questions/comments/stories to 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!

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Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: CJay shares the pros and cons of freeballing and Adam discovers his missing cheese in the laundry.

This Week's Questions:

  • Patrick (31/SM) asks, "Aloha Erica, Adam, Richard, and sometimes Darren. (Darren, I am sorry to address you like the Y of vowels, you are so much more.) I will get this out of the way up front: I have a hairy dick. No, I will not send a photo but *will* help you use your imaginations. Pretend my dick is a long, fat rose but all the thorns have accumulated at the bottom. Where my cock meets balls there's an explosion of pubes, like a dolphin erupting from the ocean except the dolphin is a juicy penis and the sea water is a scouring pad of dry man hair. Aesthetically? I don't mind it. My girlfriend's lips (both of them) have a different opinion. My thick shaft pubes are scratching her up. Ouch! I shaved it and the stubble did the same goddamn thing. I plucked my shaft hairs and it hurt like a motherfucker. I cut a condom in half (we do it all natural style) and rolled it over my bristly shaft bush but her pussy just pounded it back so a no go there. Lasers and that other zapper crap frightens me. Waxing ain't going to happen, I'll tell you that now. I got my upper pubes waxed for a radio program about women's beauty standards and I stand by that interview 100%. Nobody should get their pubes waxed. That shit is torture and I bet shaft hair is the worst. Y'all said Nair is bad on nipples so I don't want to put that shit on my cock. What the fuck else is out there you guys? Help out your bro Patrick!"
  • Michael (16/M) asks, "I'm 16 and straight, dated a couple of girls before and hate the idea of dating guys. I love girls but lately I've only been watching gay porn and whenever I see attractive guys I'll have dreams and get horny. I also dream about my hot best friend giving me BJs. What's this all mean? Is this normal for straight guys?"
  • Talia (28/SF) asks, "Hey. My ex still has feelings for me 3 weeks after we went and broke up. I miss him and want to go back I'm scared why he wants me back. He says it's love and he needs me but he was staying with me and my mama before that and she was always cooking for him. She's a good cook. I think he's hungry for a good meal but my friends say I'm crazy. No man is that selfish. But that sounds like bullshit because men cheat and do baskets of other crazy shit. My friends say how he's got money and can go to a restaurant but restaurants don't give you what my mama does. She feeds you a good meal with love. She lays that shit on and I know he's addicted but everyone says that's stupid. I know I'm right but how do I prove it???"
  • Anonymous (F) asks, "Hi Awkward Human, I recently started listening to your podcast and I absolutely love it. You guys are hilarious and I've loved listening to all your podcasts. I was excited to know there was a way to submit questions and stuff. I graduated several months ago and shortly after this, I dated one of my teachers. He was one of the sweetest guys I had ever been with, and we both really liked each other (yes, it was legal). However, we've been broken up for the last two months and it hasn't gotten any easier for me. A few weeks ago he cut off all ties with me so I haven't heard from him at all. None of my friends know that I was with him, so I can't go to them for comfort or support. I have a really hard time getting close to people, so I've mostly ruled out new relationships for the time being. I'd like to be able to go to someone to get help, but I'm scared of being judged or, worse, getting him in trouble. Do you have any advice for helping me move on?"
  • Samantha (28/SF) asks, "My guy is always wearing stripes so much that people make fun of him for being a mime. He doesn't look like a mime or anything but it's like stripes all day all night. His pajamas are like old school prison wear and he buys striped soap. There is no question he's obsessed. I'm an associate at a medium-sized law firm and we do an 'October Fright Night Cocktail Party' each and every year. It's open to clients and we have this one we've nicknamed Dr. Humphrey in semi-private conversations. He came to us with completely legitimate patent suit five years back when I was a paralegal. I worked on the case, we won, and he was sane and gracious. Now he comes to us with absurd law suits and we don't turn him away because our patent suit made him a great deal of money. His business is worthwhile because only we entertain his crazy mind. As an example, he came to us with a law suit against the O-Zone layer. We talked him down to suing the sitting president (Obama) for endangering the O-Zone layer. Of course this did not bear fruit for obvious reasons, not withstanding the fact that the O-Zone layer has been on the mend since the 90s, but we billed several partner hours on this case and he left feeling acknowledged. A win-win? I try not to judge. What this has to do with my boyfriend... Dr. Humphrey, for many years, has tried to bring a suit against the boogey man that he claims crawled in his window each night as a teenager and molested him. He had called him 'the striped man' a few times but this did not click in my head until the cocktail party. My boyfriend comes in a pinstriped suit and Dr. Humphrey—who is a much older man than myself and my guy—immediately believes this is his boogeyman molester and wants to sue my boyfriend for childhood trauma. My boyfriend was a fetus when the molestation supposedly began and a child for the bulk of it. He did not molest Dr. Humphrey. This has not stopped my firm from indulging him and taking the case. I am, of course, not involved but this has seriously got me questioning my employer. They have promised me it will go away and this is the fastest option to getting rid of the problem but I am very uncomfortable with it all. My boyfriend is scared to all hell because Dr. Humphrey is very wealthy and he is not. How the heck do you handle this? I don't even know what to think."

Special Segment: CJay from Straight Talk with Ross

Final Thoughts: Hey, girl. Just sayin'.