The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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140: Caucasian Discrimination

November 30, 2016 at 3:45PM • 1 hour 2 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about caucasian discrimination, pansexuality, and more threesomes!

Call/text questions/comments/stories to 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!

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Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Darren shares an offensive moment and Adam debates the contents of a chocolate milkshake.

This Week's Questions:

  • Subby Hubby asks, "OK here goes! The threesome (while different) falls into the same feelings coming up for us, we aren't comfortable seeing each other with another person. As for as warming up the water slowly, I think you are on to something. We certainly have done butt play with just a finger or with a toy but randomly through the relationship and very very rarely. I think that having a plan of this week we're just going to use a finger, next week we might use 2 fingers, etc. Is a good idea to try and I will do that and let you know how it goes. In regard to if we focus on her, we do but she is very uncomfortable with being the focus of sex so it also happens rarely and mostly when she initiates that sort of play. I respect the view that Erica stated about not feeling like she's enough, I know she's mentioned it in the past but I'm not phrasing it like "Since I can't be with a guy, will you fuck me in the ass" more along the lines of "I want to feel you penetrate me. I want to feel sexually vulnerable" I really enjoyed listening to the show. I meant what I said about wishing I friends like y'all in my social circle. Stay amazing!"
  • Alex asks, "Hi coworkers of the world, I listened to you guys regularly and really enjoy the show. It is much needed entertainment while I am at work. Sorry if this sounds hypercritical, but I would like to point out something that Adam constantly says that is not really true. He regularly states people didn't stay in relationships for as long in the past because the average life span was so much shorter. While it is true the average life was much shorter, your understanding of it is a misnomer. High infant mortality is the main reason for that low average. Another reason, that had less of an impact, young adults died at a higher rate due to childbirth, wars, and accidents. Once people lived past infancy, they commonly lived into their 60s and 70s. It isn't like people were keeling over dead at 45 from old age. People regularly got married young and stayed married until their deaths in their 70s. You can't blame life span for failed relationships today. Today, the average age for couples going through their first divorce is 30 years old. People aren't just getting bored, because they lived too long (though that might happen on occasion). Sorry the first time I wrote in was to criticize. I hope to one day have an awkward question that I need advice with. Have a good day guys. *** ADAM RESPONDED WITH THE FOLLOWING *** Hey Alex, Thanks for the info! I don't think it's hypercritical at all and am happy to add your thoughts to the discussion. I'll bring it up on the next show so we can discuss this more in-depth. I think what I've been saying is a gross oversimplification but not necessarily wrong or even in contrast with what you're saying. My point—which clearly could've been made better, at least—is that relationships are going to have a higher chance of failure if they last longer. I didn't mean to pin it all on increased lifespan, but that the probability of a lasting, loving relationship will often diminish over time. Whether or not it ends in divorce is another story, but that's a more common outcome nowadays. Based on what I've seen and read, relationships that should've ended in the past often didn't due to a lot of social reasons. Today, divorce is a booming industry and it's not quite the embarrassment it once was—even considering that divorce statistics are falsely inflated by a good margin. All relationships are different and I think there are exceptions to everything, but I do believe the longevity of the relationship plays a role in the degradation of that relationship. I think we're all hopeful to overcome that, because something ending just seems bad when it's currently not, but I don't think the end of a relationship has to be bad. Sometimes it's a positive. You get a lot of good years and, in the event you change as a couple and want different things to a degree that it doesn't make sense to be together romantically, you break it off and see other people. I don't think anyone's necessarily getting bored on average, but that we change a lot over time and that's not a recipe for lasting love if the couple ignores it—which is what most couples do when things have been fine for a long time and then something changes. After a long time in the relationship, I think this tacit assumption comes about that the couple will naturally adapt or it's a temporary difference. When that gets ignored, that's what kills things (in my opinion). The longer the relationship goes on, the more opportunities a couple has for that to occur. This is how I've interpreted what I've witnessed anecdotally and what I've read about relationship psychology and statistics. I think what you've brought up isn't in conflict with that at all, but paints a more robust picture and I really appreciate you sending that in. Of course, feel free to continue to disagree with me. :) I'm regularly wrong and the best version of reality comes from figuring these things out together. :) - Adam *** ALEX RESPONDED TO ADAM'S RESPONSE *** Thanks for the response Adam. For some reason I am bugged when people think that the 40s average lifespan means people were dying in their 40s (though that is the hyperbolic version of what you were saying). I was really more making a statement on that misnomer than relationships in general. I actually agree with your opinions on relationships for the most part. A 60 year marriage isn't impressive in my opinion if both people were miserable for 40 years of the marriage. If the relationship is broken and both parties don't want to work on fixing it, end it. There a lot of good reasons for ending a relationship, like the ones you stated. Life is too short to be miserable. You are right divorce statistics are oddly inflated. Interestingly divorce rates peaked in the 70s and 80s and are on the decline now, it is another common misnomer that they are still on the rise (I like stats and now I feel like I am coming off a little autistic...). Though the reason for the decline in divorces might be because marriage rates are also declining, bad relationships are less likely to make it to the legally binding stage. You are also right we all like to think we will overcome the degradation that happens to many relationships. I got married 5 months ago, and of course I think we will overcome those problems, but there is always a chance we won't. I like to take the optimistic view that we have a good relationship and we will continue to work on making it stay that way, because our relationship is a high priority for both of us. Pessimistically, the male same-sex marriage statistics are not on our side.... I look forward to your next show. I hope you get your clegman (spelling?) sounds. "
  • Leigh (28/SF) asks, "Hi awkward human survival guide, I am Leigh and a 28 year old female straight. I have always had a hard time finding and then keeping friends. I have recently made a friend at work named Kerry we have been friends for around two months. We have went shopping and got dinner and watched a movie frankenstein the national theatre live play. So I had thought things were going well. Last week I confined in her that a lady at my work named Shannon who she sits beside had sent me to human resources due to be racist against white people. I am a white for reference. It was horrible for me because I was put on probation for 2 years and could not apply for jobs within the company. I had also told Kerry that the 2 years was finally over and I was hoping to move up in the company. Well today Kerry brought Shannon to the lunch table. During lunch Shannon had said that Hillary Clinton deserves to die because of Bengazi. I was very uncomfortable and I had a brief panic attack when i got back to my desk. As well as Kerry all of the sudden has been avoiding me. Should I let this friendship go or should I have a conversation with Kerry? I am just at a loss for what to do. Thank you. *** WE ASKED LEIGH FOR ADDITIONAL DETAILS. HER RESPONSE FOLLOWS BELOW *** I was talking with a group of about 8 people about the kinds of people we have seen at Wal-Mart. The accuser Shannon had stated that I had something along the lines of rednecks go to Walmart and wear the worst clothing. I did not say it, but I was not going to tell them who did say it and get someone else in trouble. When I had come back from the meeting with my supervisor I had told people surrounding me not to talk about that kind of stuff because they could get in trouble and I was upset because they didn't even get it right it, it wasn't me. I then had a full blown meeting with human resources and a union representative. The conversation was that when I have behavioral meetings I should not share that information with anyone and that Shannon said it was me who said the comments about the white people/rednecks and could I bring anyone to backup my claims. I didn't want to bring anyone down with me so I said no and took the punishment. My company is not conservative, I am not allowed to discuss my company or job specifics with the public. It is mostly what are they supposed to do when someone lies or is misinformed. I don't blame my company for Shannons bad behavior. I also understand that I should not have shared what had happened at the meeting. For context she has been accused of being racist numerous times and I have a black boyfriend who I have been with for 9 years so I think that might have had something to do with it. I have been able to avoid Shannon if Kerry wants to include her in our group of lunch friends I would have to eat somewhere else. *** THINGS WORKED THEMSELVES OUT AND LEIGH SENT IN AN UPDATE *** Well the situation happened to work itself out. Kerry had explained to me that she was working on a project with Shannon and the conversation had just moved to the lunch table. I had explained to Kerry that if Shannon comes back to the table for work related conversations I would make up an excuse and eat at my desk. Kerry was very understanding of it. If you still want to discuss the situation on your show that is fine. However would it be possible to change the names I forgot to do it."
  • Julia (23/SF) asks, "Quick update here. My boyfriend and I met up with the couple, and we all had a glorious time. I had never fooled around with a lady before, and that was maybe my favorite part! So, that was a fun thing to find out. I thought I was going to feel weirder about seeing my man with another woman, but I felt very ok with it. This was actually better for us than the mmf because we each had someone new (or two new people) to explore. Plus neither guy had to worry about the other one just trying to get with their girl, which was a slight concern with our threesome. Would definitely do again :)"
  • Anonymous (29/F) asks, "Dear Awkward Humans, Hi! 29/Female here...I want to start off by apologizing for the length of this email, there’s a lot of information here. First of all, I’ve always identified as a mostly straight female. I have never sought out a same sex relationship or sexual encounter – However, I’m not completely turned off by the idea. I can also say that I prefer men to women, but I have watched female on female porn and I’m into it. I’ve just never put much thought into it. Recently, I have reconnected with an old relationship (they are 30 years old). They were actually my first boyfriend when I was around 12 years old. We both grew up in a very small, rural (close-minded) town and went to the same high school, so we’ve been in each other’s lives for a while. Over the last few years, we haven’t really been in touch but after reconnecting, we are now in a relationship again after all this time, and things have been great both emotionally and sexually and I do feel that I love them. This time around, we have only been together for a few months so far. A few days ago, my significant other came out to me that they are transgendered and identify with being a female (mtf). We have spent a lot of time talking about it and they are willing to answer any questions I have. I honestly am not bothered by this news at all – to me, they are the same person they have always been and I care about them regardless of whatever gender they identify with. It seems like a pretty simple answer for me to not abandon the relationship and it is actually a complete non-issue. We are still very much sexually attracted to each other and I love them just the same. I’m the first person in a relationship that they have been able to be open about with this, so even though they have realized that they are trans over the last few years of their life, all of this is new to both of us in some ways. Anyway, in our talks, I have asked what they prefer to be called – my girlfriend or boyfriend and which pronoun works best right now. He has told me that right now he is living the life of a straight male and chooses to be called my boyfriend so a “he” is appropriate, but inside, he is/wants to be a female lesbian. Now that he is out with me, he feels like this is the first time he can be open and the fact that I’m so accepting has given him a lot of confidence and relief. He also said that he isn’t sure if he will ever have the courage to transition - it could be something he might want to explore in the future, but he said he might also be able to satisfy himself with just experimentation. He also has concerns because he presents as a pretty masculine looking man with a deep voice and isn’t sure how that would translate into being a woman. So, right now is a time of exploration for him and he is going to take baby steps. Last night, he shaved his legs and I let him try on a pair of my panties. I want to be supportive, but I don’t want to push him towards anything either – I want to just let him go at it at his own pace and come to his own conclusions since it is all new. How do you think is the best way to go about that? Am I doing the right thing or should I try to encourage him? I honestly have no clue what I’m doing – I just know that I love him and I want him to be happy. Also, what does this say about my sexual orientation – Am I pansexual? I don’t feel like much has changed on my end. If things did not work out with my current boyfriend someday, I would probably continue to be with men but be still remain open minded if something else came along. Is it acceptable to just leave my sexuality undefined and just know that I care deeply for my significant other and leave it at that or does this warrant a deeper look at myself? I’ve been reading a lot on the topic, and it seems like couples going through similar situations deal with a lot of issues, and to me, it doesn’t seem all that complicated from a relationship standpoint. Am I looking at this the wrong way? "

Special Segment: Darren's back!

Final Thoughts: Chocolate is the magic ingredient of love.