The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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133: Spitroasting the Pooch

September 27, 2016 at 2:15AM • 1 hour 19 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the lodge life, chronic intractable hiccups, and serial cheaters. Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!

Guest: Max Gold




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Erica and Adam recall a dilemma with a former landlord.

This Week's Questions:

  • Smalls (SF) asks, "Hello, Awkward Humans! Just listened to your episode 'Truth or Dare' in which you answered my question about ASMR and just wanted to clear a few things up. You don't have to answer this on the air or anything, but I realize I left a few things sort of vague. First, I guess I just didn't realize how insecure I was about my ASMR. I found out I had it sort of recently, when I listened to another podcast about this woman watching the same videos I did and doing the same things I do and finding out she had an actual thing, not just a quirk. I got so excited I told my college roommates and showed them the videos and they just gave me the stankest looks. I currently reside in Georgia which can be sort of unforgiving to differences, so I feel like that has a lot to do with it. After that, when me and my roommate went to parties, she would get drunk and laugh and tell people all the "weird shit" I was into. I got the same stank looks from people at parties. Needless to say, I don't live with her anymore. Anyways, I guess since then I've treated my ASMR like something I should hide or maybe not indulge Second, I want there to be no mistakes about my boyfriend! He is truly the best boyfriend and best human being I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. We've been together for two years and it has been such an adventure. He is conscientious and so kind to everyone he meets, I don't know why I thought I would be different. I was worried about him thinking it was weird because he is so indifferent towards the ASMR videos. I get so excited about them and about Maria's life updates (my favorite ASMRtist) that I get thrown off when he's not just as excited. But I guess I shouldn't take indifference so hard, I mean, it's not his thing. I'll probably react the same when Florida wins a game or something. Also, I should probably just talk to him like we're a real couple, huh? ;) Anyways, I talked to him about it and he basically said it just doesn't do anything for him so 'you do you' which I understand and don't have a problem with. I might make him listen to the show though so he'll start whispering to me. Sounds like something I'd be into. Thank ya'll for answering my question, I'm gonna go own my tingles now and probably watch some videos. *If you need any reference, "GentleWhispering" on YouTube is the absolute BEST. Maria has a slight Russian accent and is the sweetest person with the best videos. If you have ASMR at all, she will trigger it."
  • Cory (25/SM) asks, "Aloha coworkers, I have a question about having crushes when you're in a relationship. Sometimes I get crushes while I'm with someone else, and it causes a lot of anxiety because it gets awkward. I don't want to cheat or anything like that, but I meet girls who I find attractive and enjoy being around. Perhaps I'd date them if I weren't in a relationship, but because I am I won't. But I want to spend time with them and feel guilty about doing it. What if I start having feelings for them? Then that makes my relationship feel choked, and could go to a bad place. But I don't want to turn away friendships with girls every time I might have feelings for them. How do you handle this kind of thing?"
  • Sharif (25/BM) asks, "I know once you fuck the pooch, stick your hand in a garbage disposal, or piss on an electric fence, there's no going back. I know I know I know it was stupid to fuck my ex-girlfriend's dad but it happened and now I gotta deal with it. I can't blame booze or drugs. I knew what I was doing. I didn't like it. I didn't want to do it. I was just so fucking pissed off and the opportunity came, so to speak, and I did it. I spit roasted her dad with one of his lodge buddies. I got into the lodge life when I hooked up with my ex. We got together, got to know her pops, and he got me a membership. We hung out lots and shot the shit. I told him I was bi, so he confided in me. We talked about fuckin dudes and chicks and whatever else (like what it'd be like to blow a sasquatch, not for real obvs). My ex's mom's a pegger. Dad likes it up the butt. Some weird shit to talk about with your ex's dad when she's not your ex but I dunno you get to the lodge and it just all was normal like nothing was off limits. I stayed out of the lodge life for a month after our breakup cause I was feeling shitty about it and didn't want to have those feelings but I got a call from her pops telling me to come by one night. So I did, no big deal. He starts hitting on me like real hard, telling me his daughter's a fucking dumbass basically for letting me go. I share that opinion so I was like yeah dude, no offense but fuck her. He was listening, like for real, and it got emotional. We hugged it out and my hand slipped on his ass. Like not kidding it was an accident. I don't think he was going for it for real until that happened but he gave me this look. I never saw a dude have fuck eyes like her dad. It was like he was beaming a message into me with his fuck eyes and obviously that message was shove your cock in my ass. The lodge has some 'extra rooms' so we get back there and I rip his jeans off and rub my thumb up and down his asshole. He's moaning like a little bitch and I'm losing my shit. Like I'm like yeah, I'm gonna fuck your fucking daddy you stupid bitch. We get interrupted by a knock and I freak out and am like fuck what am I doing. He pulls his jeans up and we get the door and it's one of our lodge buddies (his mostly) and he asks what's up and my ex's dad told him we're just talking. So the dude comes and sits with us and I'm like shit, thank god I didn't fuck him. So we get back to talking for an hour or so and my ex's dad's boner is just pushing up through his jeans. I start getting uncomfortable and keep seeing it. You know how you gotta look at a traffic accident, right? So the lodge buddy catches me a few times eying the boner and calls me out on it and tells me about my ex's dad's nice cock. I'm like trying to avoid it. They both start talking dirty and in a few minutes they got their cocks out and are working it. I tell em I gotta take a shit because that's not what you want to hear before sex but they keep talking and keeping me in there. The lodge buddy blows my ex's dad. I'm sitting on a log stump just fucking watching cause I don't know what else to do. I don't do shit, then the lodge buddy starts massaging me. I get the fuck eyes from dad again. You touch my dick, my dick gets hard. That's how dicks work. I get dick on the brain and like five minutes later I'm fucking my ex's dad's ass while he chokes on lodge buddy's cock. As soon as I come I'm like what the fuck just happened and run out of the room without my pants. Maybe some guys see, I don't know. I go hide in the bathroom and take a shit because I actually had to. I got the runs from all the tenseness. Then my ex's dad finds me in the bathroom and tells me he's sorry if it got freaky and that it should've been him and me. (And you should know this is after I shit so I was washing my hands like a good boy during this conversation, don't get the wrong idea.) I said it's still freaky anyway. He says my cock felt great. No no no. So I try to leave again and he stand in front of the door. I promise not to tell but he's in an open marriage APPARENTLY and gives zero fucks about what I say. I'm a damn mess for sure and text my ex and tell her I just spit roasted her dad. She calls me a fucking liar and I call her family sick. She freaks out. He goes home. Shit gets REAL AS FUCK. Her parents are cool with it and her dad texts me to tell me it’s cool if I want to hang at the lodge again, no sex required. Dude, you ruined the lodge life for this guy. Sorry, that’s not gonna happen. Anyways my ex keeps posting cryptic shit about me fucking her dad on my facebook so I blocked her but then she just makes more accounts and keeps doing it. It’s shit like pedobear (I don’t think she gets what pedobear is but whatevs) and tom of finald pics (no cocks). I’m just letting it happen cause what else. Seriously what else is there to do."
  • Billy asks, "Regarding your incessant hiccups, what type of doctor did you see and how did he fix it?"
  • Jill (26/BF) asks, "I have just recently discovered your podcast a couple weeks ago, and I have probably listened to 20+ episodes so far. I could listen to you guys talk all day. Which I actually do sometimes. Little do my coworkers know that I am listening to conversations about fisting and fart rapists right next to them. I have a lot of things I would want your perspective on, but I will start with one question for now. I am a 26 year old bi woman. I have had a couple long term relationships, several casual ones. I have loved at least two of my past partners. However, I have not been in a single relationship and not cheated. I am a serial cheater. For a while it did not bother me, I never felt guilty. If the other person did not know, it was harmless. I recently went through a horrible break up. It was kind of the first time lying caught up with me. It is a little more complicated than just cheating, as we weren’t officially together. We were in different cities, but she ended up moving here, yada yada yada, she doesn’t trust me anymore. I've never been so hurt. It has been maybe six months and I still cry over her at least once a week. I mean I understand why she ended it. I’m crazy, not delusional. But I loved her so much! I still love her. More than anything. I would do absolutely anything for her, and I did. She has a new girlfriend now, and I cried at my desk at work when I found out. NEVER check your ex’s Instagram. Ever. Especially at work. Since then I have tried to see other people. To get my mind off things. But nothing ever seems to work. I've been told 'I’m not what they are looking for' at least 5 or 6 times. No one responds to my Bumble or JSwipe messages. Is this inability to get to a second date with anyone some sort of karmic retribution for me being a total cheating asshole? Why do I cheat? Why does anyone? Outside of my relationships I am not a horrible person. I’m great to my friends, I work hard at my job, I call my grandmother everyday. I’m nice to pretty much everyone, I’m not particularly flakey, like lots of people can be now a days. Is there something about me that I am not seeing? How do I turn things around, and maybe have one successful relationship. I have friends who are getting engaged and married and they just say that when you know, you know. So do I just not know, because i don’t know? Will I ever know? Do you guys know? Anyways, I definitely need help. Thanks for existing. You guys brighten my day."

Special Segment: Not sure yet!

Final Thoughts: Nipples aren't afraid of change. Why are you?

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