The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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129: Head Trauma Ethics

August 30, 2016 at 1:00AM • 1 hour 10 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about kombucha rot, nightmare-inducing women, and head trauma ethics. We're also joined this week by singer/songwriter/activist Sami Grisafe and musician/educator/producer Ryan Evans.

Got a question/comment/story? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!

Go check out the amazing Good News Bad News podcast!




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Sami has one night stand deja vu.

This Week's Questions:

  • Mikey asks, "I wanted to share a story about Uber, there's not really a point too it, other than it was awkward, and involves Uber. But I think you guys will apppreciate it. So while I was living in Seattle about a year or so ago Uber announced they were putting these devices on Capital Hill(the gay neighborhood - lots of bars too), and if you were too drunk to drive home simply go up to this device, blow into it and it will call a free Uber for you! First of all, that's fucking nasty! When they announced this however, a girl I knew who we'll call Chelsea shared a link to the announcement on Facebook. I commented and wrote something along the lines of "with Ubers history of sexual assault on its passengers, this is pretty scary! I'm sticking to Lyft!". It's about 2am when I post this. Maybe 5 minutes later I get a Facebook Video Call - from that girl! And she's pissed! She proceeds to berate me for 10 minutes about how she is a sex worker!(stripper) and she takes Uber to work everyday, and she's never been raped by an Uber driver! And who am I to make these accusations of them?! I explained to her that it's not me making those accusations, but the hundreds of people that have been assaulted by their drivers in the relatively short time they've been a company, and that a quick google search would back me up. After that it was a lot of "yes, uh huh, well I'm really glad that you have never been raped by an Uber driver!". Needless to say we don't associate anymore. Just thought you guys would appreciate this one! Aloha! Mikey"
  • Xander (26/SM) asks, "My girlfriend got into kombucha and she looks and smells like a tavern wench. Her teeth are stained and her breath smells like shit and garbage. I seriously can’t do this much longer. I told her as much but now I’m not supporting her health goals. She’s not a yoga instructor. She’s 240 pounds and looks like Mickey Rourke. I know you have got to think that’s an insult but I think she’s fuckin’ hot! I didn’t get with her because she’s some skinny bitch. I got with her because of who she is! Now she’s some kombucha-drinking Madame Thénardier. What the fuck, man? I think this is her mama’s shit. Mama’s always up in her ass about her beauty plans and whatnot. When will her depression fat drop? When will she make time for a visit to Sephora? When will she burn her wardrobe because holy hell you need a new one? This is what her mama says to her. So fuck, now she warped her daughter’s mind and I’ve got to smell that shit when we’re getting down. So how would you get her off this kick? I’m all out of ideas."
  • Daniel (30/SM) asks, "Dear Awkward Humans, This woman has given me the fires of my nightmares. I met her at a bar, took her home and ate her pussy. We slept together that night and brunched in the morning. I told her about an unusual dream I had where I was encircled in flames, burning alive, while she watched from a safe vantage point. Neither of us were emotional or did much to react. I had no physical response to pain and she had no emotional response to watching my flesh boil and melt from my face. We just watched each other until the sun rose in the morning and I woke up. She laughed it off as our passion. I’ve been with her five months now and the dream comes every night we sleep in the same bed. It feels like a curse, but that couldn’t be. What do you make of this? I haven’t brought it up again or I might offend her. Our sexual chemistry is extremely palatable and our personalities mesh evenly. I don’t understand how that might inspire violent nightmares. There is a situation for your consideration."
  • Debra (32/SF) asks, "I cheated on my husband, wound up pregnant, told him, and none of that’s my actual problem. Hi, my name is Debra. I’m a 32 year old straight female and I have a question about head trauma ethics. This is gonna get bad before it gets worse. I totally dodged a bullet with the cheating. He thought it was a miracle. He stopped fucking me when he found out he’s sterile. He always wanted kids, we were hoping to make some, and it crushed him. A year goes by with him sulking around like a loser and so I got sad one night, so I got drunk like a loser, butt dialed our accountant, and long story short he put a baby in me. Remind me to tell you his side of this sometime. But my husband was happy! Not about the cheating, obviously, but I was pregnant so he got over it. For a second I thought I was the luckiest bitch on the planet. He saw how he pushed me to cheat and it inadvertantly led to a solution to our problem. Two months go by, I start to show a lot, and he gets in a G-d damn car accident. (Sidebar: is it weird that I hyphenated G-d when using the genderless entity’s name in vain? It kind of balances things, but I don’t know!) Now I freak out like karma has come for me and so I sleep with him in the hospital for three days while his brain is on the mend. He loves it but can’t form words so well at first. A week later, we’re out of that place and he starts asking me questions about the baby. He doesn’t remember the details. He doesn’t remember being sterile. He thinks the kid is his. I’ve had this in my head for a few weeks and I need a resolution. What can you tell me? We have an Ethiopian accountant so he’s going to find out, but I don’t know how or when to break it to him! It helps I’ve got the deadline of childbirth, but do I wait and see if his memories fall back into place? I don’t know if he’ll forgive me a second time if he can’t remember his traumatic struggle with sterility. Do I have the doctor re-run those tests and put him through that pain all over again? It could help trigger his memories, but it’s going to hurt him if not confuse him or lead me into lying about how our accountant agreed to donate his sperm to our cause....administered vigorously through his surprisingly small penis. I haven’t a clue what to do. I’ll leave this one to you."
  • Anonymous (27/SF) asks, "27/SF. It started off with a friendship but then it went to hugs and kisses, not sex. He likes romance and sings songs. I offered him a body massage which he took. He made me a romantic dinner. He is married but he doesn't seem to feel any guilt in this sort relationship. I, however, am puzzled and am not sure where this could lead. I have not mentioned this, but he only has a single arm. Is this relevant?"

Special Segment: Singer/songwriter/activist Sami Grisafe musician/educator/producer Evan Ryan perform All-Un-American.

Final Thoughts: Fingers and toenails: they're always moving forward, slowly but surely, and they never give up. Let them inspire and motivate you.

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