The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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117: The People Walker

June 7, 2016 at 1:45AM • 1 hour 45 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about walking people, dick hygiene, and toxic farts! Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: John and Lindsey visit a furry convention.

This Week's Questions:

  • Lily asks, "I want to ask if how can I tell my boyfriend that he needs to clean his dick properly without offending him. I love giving him blowjobs but recently he's been unhygienic. He would want me to have sex with him but I always make an excuse and now he feels like I've changed. We've been together for almost 4 years. I don't want our relationship to fall apart because of not having a good sex life. I need some advice. Thank you."
  • Diana (SF) asks, "Okay, like I know I'm gonna sound like a bitch but here it goes. I cheated on my boyfriend. A lot. I know that he knows but he is dead silent. Yes, I have cheated on him a few times in our relationship of four years. Yes, he knows about at least more than one of them. Despite that he behaves like everything is fine and treats me as usual like it's nothing. What is he thinking? Is he plotting his revenge? Does it turn him on in some twisted, messed up way because he knows his girlfriend is intimate with other males? Is he scared of losing me? Or is he just a huge fucking pussy? I'm not sure what is wrong with him. Yes, I know that I'm wrong at multiple levels, you need not tell me that. Please don't suggest me to talk to him or confess and sort it out. I need some advice I can use."
  • Chandler (21/BM) asks, "Hi guys. I'm a 21 year old bi guy. I'm super anxious. I recently started going out with guys, and i'm seing this Italian guy. The problem is that i'm not very experienced, i'm a top, but i don't know if i'm doing it right. I mean, i already asked him and he said it's good, but idk, i have problems believing in people. I'm a foreigner living in Italy, and my italian is not that great, and the more anxious i get, the worse it gets, and the my problems start. I mix up words, i use words in portuguese, that always mean sexual stuff in italian, and then i feel even more embarrassed. Any tips to be more confident?"
  • Anonymous (23/F) asks, "My roommate (and cousin) Stacy is 23 and her boyfriend joe is 24. joe is disgusting. He violently picks his nose and each time he will look at his finger. If there's nothing on it, he keeps going. If there is something on it, he either flicks it somewhere in the room or rubs it on his pants. If he's wearing shorts I've seen him rub it into his leg which is worse because his leg hair gets tangled from it but he doesn't care. sometimes he gives himself nose bleeds but acts like it's his allergies or the dry air or something. She even bought a humidifier because he's over so often but he says we 'didn't use pure enough water' and that we need to replace our water filter even if we just replaced it. He says it must be defective but never offers to buy filters or use his own water. I'm assuming he doesn't offer because it is a colossal waste of money since it isn't the air, it's his own damn fingers. As if this isn't bad enough, he farts more than anyone else I've ever met in my entire life. He has a horrible diet so his farts are intolerable—he has cleared out a room of people before and he has also made a few of our friends throw up from it (not all at the same time). To make matters even worse, he makes a very angry face each time he does it and his face gets red. I'm almost positive he's broken some blood vessels doing so. I tried asking him to maybe take it outside and he laughed. I bought him Shreddies underwear that is supposed to filter farts but he refuses to wear them because he doesn't wear underwear apparently???? Stacy and I made a huge dinner for Friendsgiving last year(Thanksgiving sans family) and it went pretty well. I had my fingers crossed that joe wouldn't show up since he was running pretty late but he ended up making it. while we were all enjoying ourselves after the feast, joe bent over, spread his buttcheeks apart, started talking like Jim Carrey in Ace Ventura and said "excuse me sir, but do you have a mint?" and as soon as the T hit in the last word, he farted so hard that he shit a little in his pants(he admitted this to stacy later on her facebook wall which seemed really weird but I think he has adult onset down syndrome so it kind of makes sense and also made my screaming even more relevant). anyway, this caused a couple of our friends to throw up right then and there and when I snapped and screamed 'THIS ISN'T SHITSGIVING!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH' he responded that I must've put something in the food and then through sobs stated that his mom was dead. like, I'm not dating you and I hate being around you, why would I ever know that if there was never an open discussion? Also, fuck you, my cooking was superb and if anything I'd poison your food, not make you shit all over my apartment. So basically after all of that, my question is - how am I supposed to make the house more bearable? I'm considering just breaking the lease but 1)my aunt is a drama queen and said if I break the lease i'll be breaking the family since stacy can't afford living on her own and i don't even know if her shitbag boyfriend has a job and 2) if I'm going to spend money to get away from her cunty boyfriend, I need some sort of plan for revenge. also, I know you will ask, and no, I don't know why stacy is with him, I don't know why anyone would ever be with him. they're both average looking so maybe she thinks she can't do any better. she doesn't seemed shocked by any of his gross behavior and doesn't try to get him to stop doing any of it. they've been together for 5 fucking months. oh and i can't just go to a different room in the apartment, everything smells like intense old lady perfume peppered with spicy raw sewage when he's around. the end."
  • Leon (18/B-PM) asks, "Heyo, I found your podcast just a little while ago have been really enjoying it. I am an 18 year old bi/pan male, senior year high school and still living at home. So I'm currently in a relationship with a girl named Mikaela (she goes by Mikki). Mikki and I have been going out for a couple of weeks (this is the first romantically focused relationship for either of us, and we are both very inexperienced in all aspects of it so this is probably the main factor). I really like her and anyone I talk to (her best friend, and sister) says she really likes me too. Now, she says she likes me, but whenever we're together she seems distant. I do my best to make her laugh and to flirt with her (or even to have just general conversation) but to little or no avail. I really like her, and I don't want to seem pushy or make her uncomfortable, but I feel we really need to have a talk on what she wants from the relationship. Now I'm not an outwardly (key word here is outwardly) awkward person but I have absolutely no idea how to do that. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope to hear from you you soon."

Special Segment: Interview with professional people walker Chuck McCarthy

Final Thoughts: We love you, too.