The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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114: Filtered Farts

May 17, 2016 at 9:15PM • 1 hour 49 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about odorless farts, secret brain tumors, heartbreaking toilets, and Catholic kittens. With special guest Will Sterling! Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Adam re-edits the Good Wife series finale as a joke and Erica can't tell. Special guest Will Sterling eats food of someone's body. Gwyneth Paltrow makes her own sex lubricant to help everyone avoid toxic vaginas.

This Week's Questions:

  • Baylee (25/SF) asks, "Aloha! I don't really think this is awkward... well, okay, maybe it is for me when it happens, but I think it's more sad and frustrating than anything else. Let me start by introducing myself, I guess. My name is Baylee (aka Bay that sent in the SNL skit, my gmail account had my name as Bay for some reason) and I'm a 25 year old female. I have a boyfriend that I've had for over a year and a half, let's call him... Harvey Dent(you'll see why soon). So, Harvey Dent is usually a pretty good boyfriend. We have good chemistry, we have similar interests, he's very sweet, yadda yadda yadda. But! There is one thing that I can't stand and if I hear it's "just because he's a man" one more time from someone I will probably become a mute(which actually might solve the problem...). The thing I cannot stand is that when I talk sometimes, he doesn't respond. If Harvey Dent wasn't responding to a conversation-ender, it would make sense because there simply isn't a response. But it's usually when we are watching TV and I make a comment trying to start a conversation(watching TV all night in silence is a waste of a night), or when we are hiking and I'm making small talk(sometimes even not-so-small talk), or when I ask questions that he doesn't feel the need to answer(such as "did you just see that?!?! I can't believe that happened!" *silence*). I've told him this bothers me and he says "not everything requires a response." (Do you get the Harvey Dent thing now? He can be really sweet but then he has this rude, inconsiderate side that immediately pisses me off because having manners is NOT hard and it's especially not hard to acknowledge someone when they speak.) I've had a lot of ridiculous, sometimes awful, things happen to me so I'm pretty selective about who I share my time with and when I am with someone, I enjoy talking to them and I can't imagine just not responding when someone talks to me. The way I see it, unless it honestly is something that you just cannot respond to in any way, it does not make sense to just have radio silence because the person speaking obviously said/asked something for a reason, otherwise they wouldn't have said/asked it outloud. Is there anything I can do to improve this somehow? I've always been known for making jokes and having something to say but it's really exhausting sometimes having to carry conversations and it takes the fun out of talking to someone when you aren't 100% sure that it will even elicit a response. I know he really enjoys being around me, and I don't question his feelings for me even a little, so I don't understand why this even happens but it's a pretty big bummer when it feels like someone doesn't think you're important enough to acknowledge/respond to. Side note: We live together, I'm taking EMT classes, and I have a full-time job so it isn't like we're around each other constantly and have somehow managed to run out of things to say. Sorry this was incredibly long, I wanted to try to give enough detail and it happened again late last night so I'm pretty irritated/rambly about it."
  • Presley M. (24/SF) asks, "My boyfriend had dated me for 9 whole months now and some days even but had not said I love you, so I told him I loved him and he still didn’t. We talked and he said he does love me but was afraid to say it because he didn’t want me to not love him back so that’s okay. I felt like that too. Now it’s a different problem and I don’t know what to do because of this situation! He now says I love you always. Like it’s all the time and I don’t love him THAT much. I don’t want to say it like every time we make eye contact because that’s what it feels like. Like in the morning when he leaves, I love you. He texts it to me during the day like five times. He ends every call with I love you. I came home while he was on the toilet and he yelled I love you while the toilet flushed and I didn’t hear him and he got upset with me over it until he understood it was the toilet’s fault. He’s got some insecurities and that’s okay. I want to tell him I love him, just only a few times every day instead of 15 to 20 times. That’s a lot of times. Is there a especially nice way to explain the problem to him I can use? He’s insecure about this clearly so I don’t know if it will matter but I hope it will be better if I try."
  • Joey (24/SM) asks, "Life sure is complicated sometimes. I'm agnostic and my fiancée (Dina) is Catholic. We decided against natural childbirth and if we adopt they won't have religion forced upon them. After a very long discussion she agreed to let our children choose what they want. It did not figure that I would need to have a separate conversation about a pet. We moved in together six months ago and she wanted a cat even beforehand. I acquiesced and we chose a kitten together last week. All was well until Dina begun planning a cat baptism. She belongs to a church that allows pets. I've always known this but we never talked about it. Dina didn't have any pets when we met and she goes to church without me. I thought pets were welcomed and not part of the congregation. Of course she deemed it necessary that I attend the cat's baptism. I don't want the cat baptised at all because it's cruel to the cat. It won't understand or like it. Furthermore, cats don't have souls in Catholicism so what is she saving? I've hesitated to bring up this argument because I'm sure she has a retarded excuse that the church provided her. What would you suggest I do? I definitely do not want to attend a cat baptism or set foot in a church but she will feel slighted and I'll have to deal with her being upset. I might tolerate the baptism if I am not there but it just feels wrong. Should I let this go and be there for my girlfriend or should I stand my ground for the rights of our kitten? I just don't know what the right choice is. It must be easier for people with religion because they have an old, dead person who made up rules for them to know what's 'right.'"
  • James (GM) asks, "Listen to Voicemail"
  • Akane (33/SF) asks, "My boyfriend lied to me about having a tumour in his brain for our two year relationship. What should I do now about it? He told me about his tumour and I helped him. We went to the doctor together several times. He cried one night and woke me from sleep. He told me the truth while I consoled him and he said he didn’t know why he lied. He just wanted to be cared for. But we visited the doctor together so he has gone in for something. But why would he lie about this brain tumour? He said he is not sick and he just went to the doctor to pretend. He got vitamins instead of pills. He told me he loves me and wants me to forgive him. I don’t understand this so I don’t know how to forgive him when I don’t know what I am forgiving. I don’t know if I’m hurt or not. I wish he didn’t lie but I am confused more than other emotions. I have asked many questions but gotten no answers with more information that I have shared with you now. Do I have to break up with him then or is there a way to get more information from him? I don’t know what to do!"

Special Segment: Interviews with odor prevention pioneers Flat-D and Shreddies!

Final Thoughts: Adam performs "The Fat Man."

Related Links:

  • Flat-D Odor Control Products: Flat-D Innovations has provided high quality products, to customers around the world, for over 10 years. Use coupon code [GET COUPON CODE FROM INTERVIEW] to save 10%!
  • Shreddies: Shreddies flatulence filtering garments are the perfect way to treat flatulence issues. The garments feature an activated carbon lining that absorbs all flatulence odours, they become trapped and neutralised by the cloth which is then reactivated after washing.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow Raves About Goop's Nontoxic Lube on 'Chelsea': Chatting about lube on the tube! Gwyneth Paltrow's first-ever Goop sex issue recommends several products to avid readers, including a $15,000 dildo, but the actress is most excited about a nontoxic lube she found. She raved about the item during the second episode of Chelsea Handler's new Netflix talk show, Chelsea.