The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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113: Wet Goddess

May 10, 2016 at 7:30PM • 1 hour 31 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about artistic passions, fruit fuckers, overcoming ugliness, and dolphin romance. Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week:

This Week's Questions:

  • Bay asks, "Good morning! I'm listening to episode 105: You Say Yes, Sir! and the SNL sketch with Patrick Stewart baking erotic cakes was mentioned. I'm not sure if you ever ended up finding it or not, but I did, so I thought you'd appreciate it. You can watch it here."
  • Hässlich (SM/28) asks, "Aloha, greetings, long time listener first time anonymous writer but call me Hässlich if you want a name to call me. I am a straight man and 28. I am also ugly which is why I write to you today but please don't ask me for a photo because I don't want my face going around even if you keep it private. This is patently embarrassing for me which is why I am writing now and not long ago in the past. You got my own voice and own words so let it be. That is for Darren mostly of course but he will be annoyed anyway so maybe I shoulda just shut up. Whatever who cares. If it helps I am the kind of ugly like Richard Kiel (that big fellow in Happy Gilmore who looks like a murdering giant with a pageboy hairdo). Like I just got some awkward features and have no style. I write to you because I think I can improve upon myself! Do you have any life hacks for making a man more attractive if he is inarguably ugly? What kind of hairdo do I need to get and what kind of clothes? What facial hair stuff is there and what can I do about body hair if anything at all? I know I will not be a hot stud ever in my life but I want to up my game so I can get some dates. I'm tall and look like pretty weird I think so it scares girls away. Please help me fix this!! Thank you!!"
  • Fruit Fucker (20s/SF) asks, "Coworkers, don't want to beat around the bush here. I want to fuck my best friend but he is a gay adonis and I am a heterosexual woman. He is so fucking hot. Just one fuck will do. I need to know. Do I get him drunk? Do I talk it out? If it were you queers, how could I get you to fuck me? What would it take?"
  • Michelle (SM) asks, "Dear Awkward Humans, I have a dilemma of wanting too much and loving too deeply. I own and operate a small gallery on the Pacific coast where many a people vacation and purchase the works of artistry I curate. My wife is a frequent supplier of the work I sell. Her always flourishing style delights buyers near and far. We live near a city of relative significance, so the quaint town life we lead is supplemented by a bustling metropolis. Some days I feel so blessed to partake in so much of this life, but I fear I've taken a turn that will uproot all I've worked for. I humbly request your assistance in solving my torrid dilemma. My wife's younger sister is an irresponsible, loud-mouthed brat that works at a Pottery Barn who lacks even the essence of savoir faire and yet I find her utterly intoxicating. Our first romance flowered from an argument over a gift for my wife and we soon explored our lust in her manager's office while he left the Pottery Barn to replace a broken laser printer. I later discovered through her confession that my wife's younger, supple sister had broken the printer to afford us this opportunity. Her lust for me matched my own. I deplore her slothful ways and dull-witted choices while she sours over my air of pretension and effortless class. In some way our hate fueled a lustful passion that evolved into an abnormal love. At first I thought our fling would end as if either she or I developed any sort of mutual respect the desire forged through repulsion would dissipate entirely. To the contrary, we've both come to appreciate one another while maintaining our disdain for our personality types. It has become somewhat of a loving jest, in which we play our roles in chiding one another. It serves as foreplay, but underlying it all we have true admiration for the love for one another. We hadn't known our feelings for several months, but when her cat fell ill and we spent the evening at the veterinary clinic in fear for the life of her sweet pet we knew we were deeply bonded. I feel affection for my wife and have always loved her, but I feel I must have misunderstood love because my relationship with my wife now feels like simple respect by comparison. Her life is such that her passion enters her artwork rather than my loins. We make love, yes, but not with the fervent strength of her sister and I. Where I entered my wife with pride, I enter her sister with desire. Where I orgasm inside my wife with sweet relief, I orgasm inside her sister with exhaustion. I now know love, but have entangled myself in such a situation that I cannot find an amicable resolution. I wish to continue providing an outlet for my wife's artwork. She is a miraculous artist and I am blessed to provide her work to the masses. However, I live a lie when I sleep beside her each night. I wish to be with her sister. It pains me, and soon she will notice. I know I must tell her what has become of our relationship but desire to in such a way that her feelings will be spared. I know I cannot prevent the hurt that will come, but I wonder if I can lessen the blow and prepare her family for the transition to a new sibling. How can I avoid this awkwardness? I know I present myself somewhat as a bad man who has done a bad thing, but in the name of love can it ever truly be wrong? I am no perfect entity. I succumb to my humanity like all of us must in some of life's more challenging moments. So I ask you all, please assist me in carefully unraveling this entanglement gently so I needn't cause any unnecessary pain. I look forward to your always intelligent and comedic response. I may not appear a fellow with a crude sense of humor, but as I have found passion in my wife's sister I find great joy in your coarse and raw guidance."
  • Thomas (19/SM) asks, "Aloha! I got a problem I tried to solve all year that's like Goldilocks and the three bears where I'm Goldilocks and I have friends that are the three bears but not bears like in gay culture they are two women and one is a man (or maybe boy because he's 17 but he is gay tho). We all like each other (duh) cuz we're friends so like when we argue about plans or food it isn't that we're not friends. I just wanna say that cuz otherwise maybe this will sound like too much hate and we shouldn't be friends anymore. I like them so I want to still be friends just sayin. So like there's me and I'm chill so I don't care what we do for plans most times and I can get one friend to want to do something I want to do almost always but then two friends don't want to. So like Shawn (gay) wanted to drive out to a farm and take photos of cows once and I was like fuck yeah cows but then Rachel (not gay) was like that's fun but too far and Titta (not gay) was not into it but the drive is okay. It's like always a spectrum with plans cuz what's good for one person is too hot or too cold for another person so that's why the three bears thing. It's all things tho. Like pizza and movies. We went to a sex store and a porn dungeon one time and that everyone was into mostly so it can work but it usually doesn't. I think we were like all excited cuz of the taboo and Shawn had a fake ID he just got so he was all into it and the girls wanted to buy vibrators. I just dunno how to get everybody to agree on stuff. It gets soo annoying every time ugh. Like is there a way they can agree or what cuz I don't wanna deal with the three bears like every time we make plans!"
  • Kyle (28/GM) asks, "Aloha coworkers, humans, guests, and the rest of y'all out there. I'm Kyle, 28, gay, and vanilla all the way. My boyfriend of two years got bored with sex and didn't realize he was so bored and got drunk one night and made out with a guy at a bar we went to. He was planning to suck his cock in a room there where you can do that but it didn't happen because I found him. We met at the club late basically and he was around waiting for me to get there because I had to work late. So like he got drunk real fast and got hit on by a guy because he's super duper sexy so that's what I thought would go down but I didn't think he'd get with the guy. I guess he was into this guy because he wanted his armpit to get licked and my boyfriend got excited. That's what he explained to me I don't get it totally. I caught him before he got cocked up for real and felt shitty but he apologized a lot and was saying how it surprised him too. He basically didn't think he'd do that but he said he's been bored with sex with me because I don't want to do anything kinky but he never asks about me being kinky or wants to do any kinky stuff! I mean he didn't say so how do I know? So I'm like fine let's be kinky if you want to. I can do some stuff. What do you want to do? He said he didn't know so like he wants me to pick something I want to do but I told him I don't want to do anything. He's then like dig deep bitch. Like be real because everybody's got something. I said why doesn't he and he said his fetish is doing what his boyfriend wants like a bitch. So okay fine but I don't want anything kinky so I said I wanted to cum on his feet. He was like oh you have a foot fetish and I said no I don't want to get my toes sucked and whatnot but just want to cum on his feet because I saw that in a porn once and it looked easy. So I cum on his feet a few times and he loves it. He's like where else? I said his shoulder and he was skeptical like I was lying because I am and I don't know what he wants me to say but I kept up with it and was like it's cool because then it's like you want it on your face but you can't have it. He liked that. I came on his ear once by accident and then said I did it on purpose because I like cumming in ears. He believes it all I think and is having a good time but I just want to cum in his ass when I fuck him. Like what's wrong with that? Now he just wants this fake cumming fetish thing I made up and I think he's going to keep asking for more stuff and I am going to run out of places to cum that make sense or I can make up a story about. I don't like the lying even if he likes it. I don't want this to be our sex life but I don't want him to go cheat so what do I do about it?"
  • Sari (20/SF) asks, "There's this so beautiful 16 year old boy in my hot yoga class and he's always checking me out. He says flirty things to me sometimes and I get so red but on the plus it's so hot that we're all red anyway so he doesn't see me blushing thank god! haha So you guys I really want to bang him but he is like four years younger than me and it's not illegal where I'm at but is it a bad idea? I'm a girl and I don't think anyone's gonna be like 'you're corrupting him!' or whatever. He's gonna be all like, 'cool dude, I boned this hot college chick' or whatever high school boys say you know? So like it doesn't seem wrong but it's also like pretty bad I think. He's in friggin HIGH SCHOOL you guys. Sophomore year seems so far away now that I'm doing that in goddam college you know? So like what's the way to go about this? Do I just admire his sexy tight body when it's all sweaty and imagine sex with him and get my magic wand or should I forget him or just fuck him already? Like what's the drill here?"

Special Segment: Interview with Malcolm J. Brenner, author of Wet Goddess and Growing Up in the Orgone Box.

Final Thoughts: Patrick Stewart bakes an erotic cake.

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