The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit awkwardhuman.com/ask for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

**NSFW**

Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.



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112: Douche to the Max!

May 3, 2016 at 5:30PM • 1 hour 44 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about extreme douching, the fear of fruit trees, polite rejection, a basement universe, and scripted phone sex. Questions/comments/stories? Call/text 509-AWKWARD or visit awkward.email!




Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: A brief note about our anal bleach comments to remind Cindy that we love her, and...

This Week's Questions:

  • That Gay Teen That Likes Google+ (16/GM) asks, "Ok I found you guys and gals on Spotify and love the show I'm 16 gay male and I'm curious how would you deal with a annoying person in class (in high school) I've tried to ignore talk to the counseler and the basics that teachers and counseler gives but GAH I'm really close to to just beating the shit out of him please help I've tried wielding him out and threats (each comeback he gave like "I'll shove my foot u your ass so far..." I've used masichism to make him back off "oh pod luck finding the prostate even your dad hasn't found it" and it works to get him off my back but he still pesters the class please help!"
  • Anonymous (SF/31) asks, "OMG I have so many emotions at this exact moment! My fiancée asked me to marry him and I said yes and I discovered an alternate dimension in his garage. I can explain. I met him on a lazy river when a bird poo-pood on me and I didn't realize because I was sleeping. He gently woke me by squeezing my big toe like he knew me. My mom used to do that and he did it almost exactly the same way I remember from being a kid. He had a cloth in his swim suit in a plastic bag which he wet and wipped the bird poopy off my neck and shoulder before telling me about it. I was so charmed and embarrassed at the same time. We moved in after like four months because he was perfect but I have a three year no marriage rule which I told him of. Then he remembered and proposed to me last weekend when it was our third year anniversary! I half knew and was half totally shocked. He is so perfect. Literally nothing is wrong with him and he's so beautiful. This has got me paranoid now. So about the garage. I live in an apartment but he owns a house I'm moving into next month. Mine is 600 square feet and the bathroom is like almost a quarter of the space because someone hired the wrong architect. His place is quaint and quiet. It's in a nice suburb right by the city. It's both futuristic and timeless...like him. *Sigh* He has a two car garage but he keeps an afghan rug in the center to separate the cars. It's such a nice rug you guys. Red, blue, and very rich in color even in the garage with so much dust. I've said to him for ages that it belongs in the house where people can see it but he said no, he likes it there. Fine, I didn't get pushy over a rug. After he proposed he said it's my house too now and I thought, yeah, it is. So I went to the garage to get the rug to get it cleaned. I decided I'd get it cleaned and find a nice spot for it in OUR house so he could see how nice it looked. THAT could be our first step as a fiancées, starting our new life together. So I was all yipee! until I look where the rug was and there's a door in the floor of the garage. It was a weird door, too. I don't know cellar doors that well but they all look wooden with a knocker so that's what was in my memory but this was made out of plastic. It didn't have a handle in it but like a rectangular pit recessed where the handle should've been. I put the rug down and put my hand inside to feel it out and for a minute nothing did but then I pushed a little and the door moved in and electronically slipped to the side underneath the garage floor. In the door hole that showed up was this blue light. It didn't look like stairs and walls but just this blue light almost like sequins but made up of light. It blurred together and I couldn't tell the depth or where anything was inside so I stuck a foot in to feel around and there were steps. So you stepped down into it like normal but the light made it an illusion I think so you shouldn't see what was really there. I had not seen this before or anything like it. At the bottom of the invisible-ish steps the whole room below looked the same. Just sequin lights that made it too hard to see the real look of the room. I was amazed but also got scared, too, and decided to go back on up to civilization. I did that and put everything back in place where I found it, including the rug. Then I waited for him to get home and was going to ask him about it but I saw his perfect face and forgot all about it. I haven't asked him over the few days since I found his basement dimensional portal. I mean to and then see him and think I shouldn't, but later I feel stupid because I didn't. It's really weird honestly, but I think I just am afraid he will break it off if I tell him I know about his whatever it is room. We've never had an actual real argument ever so I'm super scared we will get in one about this and things will turn badly for us. I thought I maybe had imagined the basement dimension so I visited it every day since and it's still there. One time I went further over from the stairs just to get a taste and it was flat and empty. I didn't feel any hidden items by the light, but I didn't go that far in either. I only want to know what it is down there. I think it's the coolest. I'm afraid of what he'll do or say though. Like what is this place? Did I describe a light room thingie that everyone but me knows about or are you confounded too? Give me some of that advice!"
  • Anonymous (SM/Teen) asks, "Hello I know it's been a long time but I need help again and it's girl problems as usual and I wanted to ask what are good conversation starters when I'm either texting a girl or talking to her face to face and what do I say while we're talking so we don't have those awkward silences because I'm very socially awkward and very self conscious. Every a girl wants in a guy am I right. Any ways can you give me some advice?"
  • Gaby (22/SF) asks, "Aloha Coworkers! I've been binge listening to your show and promised I'd write in after finally catching up. I made it! I was going to call in but I was too scared I'd end up rambling. I'm Gaby, I'm a straight, 22 year old girl. I've been with my boyfriend since late December of 2015. Our relationship started online, completely as friends and then escalated to fap buddies? I don't know what else to call it. After about a year we decided to meet in person. It was lovely and it cemented the relationship. He was recently here for a couple months and we will be "closing the gap" when I move to his state this summer. We have a happy relationship, everything is great and our sex life is amazing. Or it was amazing. I feel like after having him around to fuck, phone sex is just awkward for me now. He helps me get off but I completely freeze up when it's my turn to help him. I never know where to start and I feel like I'm just better with actions than I am with words. I've tried all I can think of but I just end up choking. It makes me feel terrible because I get off multiple times and then I struggle to satisfy him. Any ideas on how to get comfortable with phone fucking (maybe a script? Lol)? I also have one more issue with this long distance relationship. I've always either been single or I've dated men who enjoy going out with me. Now that my boyfriend is in a different state I'm struggling with being approached in public. I never know when I should mention that I have a boyfriend or how to mention it without being rude or awkward. If a guy tries to approach me at the bar I don't want to just turn to them and say "sorry I have a boyfriend" that just seems bitchy as fuck. I don't mind having conversations I just feel like I maybe letting them escalate and then it's awkward to mention my boyfriend as they're walking me to my car or asking for my number. When is it appropriate to let other men know I have a boyfriend and what is the best way to approach that subject? Sorry for the essay, feel free to pick and choose what you would like to answer and what you feel is relevant information for each question. I have plenty more I'd like to talk about concerning this long distance relationship but these are my main concerns now. Thanks ahead of time for answering and any suggestions! Keep it awkward!"
  • Brandon (22/SM) asks, "Are you guys familiar with extreme douching at all? My girlfriend wants me to do this with her and so I am learning about it but even on the internet there is not lots of info. She explained details for me and the gist is she puts a douche in her pussy and blows it out on me before we fuck. I want to know about health-related issues before I douche to the max with her. It's kinda my thing to have her blow juices all over me and so I think I'll like it. Just tryin to be good here and get all the info before she blasts me. You know anything about this and can help me understand it some more?"
  • Celine (27/SF) asks, "I have like a major anxiety or fear of fruits dropping on me so much that if I am going to walk around lots of fruit trees I must have my helmet on. I was on a long European vacation with my family and my boyfriend wanted us to move in together but unfortunately I was not in town when he was looking for apartments. We were going to find some when I got back so I could see the apartments too but he found a perfect one while I was gone. He showed me pictures and the details. Rent was so good I agreed we should not pass it up. Of course he didn't ask about fruit trees and we have three growing in the lawn. The landlord will not allow me to chop them down. One is apples, one is lemons, and one is grapefruits. I am less scared of lemons but they are pointy so it's not a completely non-dangerous issue. Apples are hard and grapefruits are so big! So you know my predicament. Is there something I can do to avoid the fruit tree problem? My landlord won't help and my boyfriend wants me to go to therapy to get over it but I don't have that kind of time and money! I would get over it if I thought I could because I know it's weird basically. What am I supposed to do though, or is there a way to put a safety net on the fruit trees? I will do anything because I am afraid of living in my own home now."

Special Segment: Interview with colon hydrotherapist Diana Smith of Complete Trinity

Final Thoughts: Lionel performs Popular from the musical Wicked.