The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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107: Death by Sadness

March 28, 2016 at 12:45AM • 1 hour 29 minutes • Wiki Entry

This week we're talking about lube trouble, the worldwide cheese database, and consensual creep shots. Questions/comments/stories? Visit or text/call 509-AWKWARD.

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: The group shares their most awkward moments at a restaurant.

This Week's Questions:

  • Anonymous (F) asks, "Do you know what would be the best way for a girl like me (or any girl) to experience an erection like a guy does with his dick? I want to know what that's like but I'm a woman."
  • Hank (21/GM) asks, "Hello there awkward humans! My name is Hank, I'm 21 and a gay as fuck! I have a crush on this guy at college. Very sexy like Tyson Beckford but obv. much younger. He is my dream and he fucking asked me out last month. We had the best time and I am falling hard. It's not just his hot face and body. I am not that shallow. He cooks and is very tidy. He makes me eggs! I am obsessed with eggs. Eggs are my favorite food and he can cook eggs perfect like almost any style so I am so jazzed when I sleep over because I get dinner and sex and fucking eggs in the morning. He's a teensy bit older than me (like 25) and has an apartment. We both want to travel places and like the same music and TV. He works in copywriting and is going places. I love all of it you guys. But obv. there's a problem or I wouldn't be writing. So I'm on my dad's phone plan and we're on Sprint. Like I get that Sprint sucks donkey dick but I don't have money for a fucking phone plan. I need the family plan! He didn't know I was on Sprint but found out the other day and had this serious fucking talk with me about it. Like it's a dealbreaker for him if I use Sprint. He used to work for Sprint and they were shitty to him I guess. He says he's had to end too many relationships over Sprint because of all the call drops. Like I guess he got in arguments and the call dropped and so it was like he hung up but he didn't and then the guy was pissed or something? He's like a totally different person when he's talking about fucking Sprint and I don't want to upset him. He said he would pay for my phone plan if I switched because he really likes me and he doesn't want to see another relationship end over this. I don't want to obv. either because he's so great and chill otherwise but it's been a month and I'm practical. Like I don't want to get stuck without a phone if he pulls some crazy bullshit later. Like he's this upset about a cellphone provider? Like WTF? He's perfect in every other way except maybe he's bonkers and I don't even know yet. I want to make sure what I'm getting into before I go switching cellphones. But what do you do about it?"
  • Anonymous (SM) asks, "Been with this girl for eight months, but she is not my wife. I think I love her. I love my wife as well. How should I go about letting my girlfriend know about my wife? If that goes okay the reverse too?"
  • Mima (25/SF) asks, "Aloha! I can't be your next poo during sex question but this isn't so far out from there. I experimented with butt sex with my bf and it was kinda alright. Lil awkward but felt good. We used lotsa lube like you and everybody says. He loved it and I loved that he loved it. We did it before dinner and then went to dinner. I think some stuff got moved around up in my butt because I was feeling gassy at the restaurant. He goes to the bathroom so I'm like I gotta get the gas outta me now! I squeeze some into the chair and it's all good til I see him coming back and am like gotta get the last one out so I do. At the end I felt some poo ooze out. He sits down and I'm like oh no I just pooped. I was wearing small undies like I do and I was like if I move I'm gonna drip. I can't move. So he starts talking about how he wants to make a Skittles commercial and I'm like uh huh uh huh while I pull my (CLOTH DON'T HATE ME) napkin off my lap and up my skirt to start wiping. I get most of it but I feel something on my finger so I pretend to scratch my face so I can smell if it's bad or not and I'm like HOORAY it's not poo. It's lube! We used lotsa lube so he musta banged some up there and I farted it out at dinner. I checked the napkin too and it was just clear so no accidental poo. All good under the hood! Well I got lucky this time but he's gonna wanna do this again and I don't wanna fart any more lube out at dinner, or worse. Got any secrets? Obviously I'll try to go to the toilet next time but who knows if I'm gonna make it for sure so what are other ways to evacuate the lube?"
  • Anonymous (SM) asks, "I have a sexual fetish that my gf doesn't want to indulge. It's taking pictures up her skirt. No face or nothing but she's got a tattoo on her leg. I said I'd not shoot the tattoo but she doesn't care. I said it's important to me and can I do it with some other girl but she said no too. I don't wanna break up with her but I gotta get my creep shots. I want it all consensual and what not but I like I need to do this with somebody or I just think about it always. So do I break up or cheat? What's the right thing to do?"
  • Marissa J. (23/SF) asks, "My mother died of sadness when I was 14. We never knew our dad since he impregnated my mom with my sister and then came back five years later to apologize and make amends so obviously he fucked her and she got pregnant with me. He left again clearly and she never told us about him because he made her feel like trash. So she was depressed my whole life until she gave up and said she decided not to wake up tomorrow. She didn't take pills or nothing but just died. The official cause was that she had a weak heart and it stopped but both me and my sister know she died of sadness because she hated life so much. Before she went though she asked my sister to take care of me and always look out for me and my sister promised her. This was all sweet but my sister is a big slut and it's ruining my life. My sister works at Macy's selling housewares and she's very pretty so she flirts all over. I'm 23 now so she's 27 and almost 28. I want to be a data scientist and had some internships and one job but they don't last very long not because I'm bad at it but because of my sister. She seduces my bosses. She always meets them somehow. You know like if she comes to have lunch with me she gets a tour of the office and she is very beautiful so my boss is interested. She gets him to ask her out somehow even if he's married and then they sleep together. I had a female boss once who was not a lesbian but somehow my sister wound up in bed with her like not even after two weeks. It starts okay because she is trying to take care of me and I almost always get a raise or a promotion when the relationship starts, but my sister is hungry for sex so she eventually cheats and then things go bad for me too. It's like I don't get fired but my boss doesn't want me around and I don't get any good work so any future at the company goes away basically I just got a job at a software startup company that is like the ultimate database of cheese. We analyze different aspects of every kind of cheese to find out how people will like one cheese relate to another. This is a secret product that doesn't exist yet so I can't say a lot, but it will be like a cheese recommendation engine like you have on Netflix but for cheese instead of entertainment programs. This is like my dream job. I analyze cheese data and get to eat the cheese at the same time! I really want to stay at this company. It has a product I believe in and the people are really nice because they're all kind of fat (probably from eating the cheese) and it's in a jolly way like Santa. I don't want my sister to ruin this for me but she is already doing sexual stuff with the chief cheese scientist (like he's not the CEO but a step below and he's my manager's boss). I saw them in his office once and I think he was doing stuff to her under the desk. I confronted her about it on Tuesday and the argument got very heated. I called her a stupid cunt by the end of it and told her that she was selfish and her pussy ruins everything I care about. She was upset obviously so I have left her three voicemails to apologize and went to Macy's even but she wouldn't see me. I know she thinks she is having sex with my bosses to help me get a promotion but it never works out and I want to earn it myself. I told her she can keep her promise to mom by not having sex with my bosses but she says I'm being immature. Am I? I don't think I am but I don't know. I just really want to stay working at this job because I've never care about anything this much. Both me and my sister got a large payout from my mom's life insurance when she died since it technically wasn't a suicide. My sister spent hers already but I got a college scholarship and saved mine and made some money with investments. I'm not a millionaire but I thought maybe I could bribe my sister into stopping her sexual ways. I know it sounds bad but she won't listen to what I want and I know she likes money and sex but I can't have sex with her but I can give her money. So what do you think about it?"

Special Segment: Nope :(

Final Thoughts: Darren performs Barbarian Hearts.