The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

Got a question or comment? Visit for lots of options! Check out our Subreddit, too!

If you love the show, please help us keep making them! (This does not require a financial contribution.)


Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

← Previous Episode   |   Next Episode →

104: The Anatomy of Apples and Oranges

March 8, 2016 at 2:30AM • 1 hour 19 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about the bisexual's dilemma, doo-dooing the dishes, and juggling women. Questions/stories/comments? Visit or call/text 509-AWKWARD!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Richard has a strange visit from his building manager. Adam's sister is in town for family therapy and joins the show.

This Week's Questions:

  • Sam (20/SM) asks, "How does one utilize eye contact to get a date and/or sex? I want to use my body language to acquire the ladies. Please assist."
  • Ethan (20/BM) asks, "Hello human survival guide! I am a 20 year old guy who is bisexual and have been in one serious relationship but it was with a guy before I was really out to anyone so no one knows about it. This was maybe three years ago. Since then I have come out to my very supportive friends, and my mom but not by dad because I am not in a safe enough place to do it yet. My mom has very specifically asked me many times if I have a girlfriend yet and asked questions like "Is there something I need to know?" which I am thinking was her way of asking if I am gay. That's why I came out to her a month ago. The only problem now is she doesn't believe me. She thinks bi means I am in the process of choosing whether I like men or women more, and outright told me it's not possible to like both sexes because "the anatomy is different." Does that mean I can't like apples AND oranges because "the anatomy is different."? What bullshit. She wants me to not tell anyone or talk about it, wanting me to continue lying and saying if I am straight if anyone asks. I do not live with her but it is annoying to deal with when I see her because she won't take it seriously. I've already had all the long, patient conversations under the sun. Sorry about that tangent, but my actual situation is this: besides the one secret relationship I mentioned, I haven't been involved with anyone else before besides the odd sort of hook up thing.My dick wants to be handled by skin besides my own. But there have been dozens of times in my life that I have had feelings on other people but they do not like me back, although I am constantly told by my friends that I am attractive and I do not think I am ugly but I think it's hard to judge one's own looks, anyway. Besides the one guy I was in a relationship with (which I now know was out of his own loneliness and instability), not a single person has ever expressed interest in me. I feel stuck and I am not sure how to get unstuck. In college I meet new people all the time, but they're not sexually oriented toward me or they don't like me back. I've tried online dating for a total of maybe an hour but it's lead to nothing but trouble because people I know (including ex friends and my ex) see me on it and I don't want my family to know I'm on it because I feel embarrassed by it. I am also worried to show interest in friends I know especially if they are guys because I am not completely comfortable with myself yet. Thank you in advance!"
  • Dale (15/SM) asks, "So I am a 15 and 1/2 year old guy. How would I ask a girl for a blowjob, to finger her/eat her out or anything sexual? If this helps, my friend said there's this girl he can set me up with who is funny, fun, cute, has big boobs and a booty and does sexual stuff. Don't try to talk me out of it please."
  • Brianna (31/F) asks, "I got a dog that shits in the kitchen sink. We got him in April last year and he shit all around the house. Now just in the sink. Like it's not the worst cause you can wash it down but we put dishes in there so it's nasty. I got two kids and one of them is funny. She loves that dog a whole lot. We took the dog to a trainer to get the shit problem trained outta him and he got good about begging to go out but then next week he's shitting in the sink again! Like I think my kid is doing this cause she thinks it's funny but I can't find proof. I've been watching her. I got my eye on her but she just smiles and hugs that dog. I don't know when she's doing it. After school maybe. I get back at night so maybe instead of her homework she's got the dog in the sink dropping shit. I'm new to your show but you don't got kids right? It's cool cause I don't know what parenting experts would say about this. I asked her about it but she laughed and called me silly. So I'm raising a fucked up kid or something unless this dog just got it's own ideas."
  • Luca (27/SM) asks, "Hello humans. 27 year old straight guy here in a friends with benefits juggling act. I'm with four girls. One of them is a cougar/MILF thrice divorced, one of them is an art student, one of them is a 24 year old meter maid who dominates in bed, and one of them is a 17 year old high school chick. I'm getting married in in July and my fiancée is down with it. I'm not a CPOS so back off! I'd like to know how to manage the women. They don't know about the others (except my fiancée) or that I'm getting married. They just know it's casual so it's less complicated that way. But with the marriage I'll have a ring and think they should know. How do you bring that up?"
  • Anonymous (GM) asks, "Hey so I was having sex with my boyfriend and he pooped on my dick."

Special Segment: Soon, soon, soon!

Final Thoughts: Adam performs the Crying Donkey.