The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide

The Awkward Human Survival Guide answers the uncomfortable questions everyone encounters on an unfortunately regular basis and talks to people around the world who embrace the stranger side of life.

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Hosted by Adam Dachis, Darren Herczeg, Erica Elson, and Richard Cardenas.

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102: Go Blow Yourself Off a Cliff

February 23, 2016 at 12:45AM • 1 hour 19 minutes • Wiki Entry

This awkward week we're talking about underage zombies, traces of shit, HORIABLE things. Also, apparently it's rape week! Fun for all. Want to ask a question on the show? Visit or call/text 509-AWKWARD!

Show Notes & Links Presented by CacheFly

Awkward Situation of the Week: Beau wedges a card into the hand of a disabled woman.

This Week's Questions:

  • Zeke (19/GM) asks, "Hey Humans, I'm a 19 year-old gay male, and I have a problem. I am currently in a long-term relationship and I am polyamorous. My boyfriend and I are open for the sake of filling in the gaps of intimacy we cannot directly provide each other, as we are long-distance. I met a guy at my school a few months ago, we've spent some time together as friends and intimate partners do, and tonight he asked to be my boyfriend. I haven't told him about my boyfriend since I have found in the past that it's best for me to keep my boyfriend and the intimate friend of my choice, and I would prefer not to tell him to abide by my personal rule. I don't want to turn this guy down since he's really nice and seems genuinely interested in being more involved in my life, but I don't want to have to try to juggle two committed relationships, especially since I don't believe it's the best interest for my existing relationship. I do feel close to him due to my polyamorous nature, but I worry that regardless of what I do, I'm going to hurt someone deeply. What do I do?"
  • MoonPie (M) asks, "Hello. I love your show. Based on other questions, you're probably going to have a good time laughing at me and will probably think there is an obvious solution. I work for a small privately owned company and have recently discovered that I have a crush on another employee. Because I have given up on finding a companion or anyone for that matter a while ago, I am clueless with discovering if the feeling is mutual. I am not a people person and am frequently compared to Dr. Sheldon Cooper because of my actions and inability to interact with people. Oddly enough I have managed to work for Apple part time for fun for almost 6 years now. For some odd reason, I can talk about Apple to anyone. Anyhoo, I don't know the type of person the person at my main job likes or if they are even available. I only see pictures of a brother and parents in their cube. I am guessing this person is religious because of the cross they had on their head on Ash Wednesday, which makes me wonder even more in a confusing way what they like. I'm afraid to say anything because of the smallness of the company. Working for Apple is great for a second job, but it doesn't pay the bills if I were to be fired. I'm just confused with what to do because of my lack of human interaction and ability to read people. She is really nice to me. But that could just be her personality. This is a little rambled and I apologize. Please help. Thank you."
  • Alvin (M) asks, "I'm having an issue with my spiritual relationship. This really affects my religion. I seldom pray everyday sometimes I am didn't at all. It's like it's not part of my routine. What to do?"
  • Fat Allison (SF/34) asks, "So I was chatting with somebody on Craigslist last night, and he seemed like a weirdo. When I woke up this morning, I had a whole bunch of emails from him, so I wrote back that he seemed really lonely, and that maybe what he needs more than an intimate companion is a strong community network and a professional counselor to help him work on that. I wished him luck, and thought that would be that. He kept emailing me, and finally I said outright that I think that he seems unstable, and that I don't want to meet him or talk to him then, the abusive emails started telling me that he would use my email address to find me that I am a real bitch, and that I better watch myself. He had been saying that his wife died of cardiac arrest a couple of years back, and that his 18 year old daughter committed suicide last year, but then when I said I didn't want to talk to him, he started saying something about he killed them, or that they never existed or something, and was writing me these emails that if I tried to call the police, he wouldn't care because he has already been to ‘prision’ for doing ‘horiable’ things. Soooooo after flagging every email (and not responding to any of the threatening ones), I had to file a police report because while I don't believe this guy CAN find me, I don't want to find out the hard way that I was wrong. The police said they couldn't do anything which is bullshit. I think it's fine but [Mr. Anonymous] said to send it in to your show in case you had advice on how to avoid these bastards."
  • Jen asks, "Hello Humans, I've been dealing with an awkward situation that I hope you can help with. I live in a shared live/work artist loft apartment with 8 other people. It's a huge space so there is plenty of room. We have 3 bathrooms. The "nicest" one is closest to my room and it's the one I use most often. One of my roommates (I'm not sure who) must have a bad digestive problem or something because every few days there will be visible traces of shit in the toilet bowl. It's like this person eats no fiber at all. It's also always like right up on the back of the toilet bowl so I think they might actually lift the toilet seat to bring their asshole closer to the water before shitting. Sometimes it's a dime sized spot or two. Other times it's like shit got dredged and smeared all over the back of the bowl. The bathroom is usually pretty clean besides the toilet. My roommates are all considerate and clean up after themselves everywhere else except for this toilet. I've done my share of bathroom cleaning and I've cleaned up after this person a few times. My partner recently moved in with me (we're saving to buy our own place) and he has noticed this shit situation. He had already started cleaning up after the mystery shitter too. Before my partner moved in I was upset by the mystery shit but I could deal with it. Now the thought of my partner regularly cleaning up someone else's shit really angers me. My house has a google message board that we use to communicate about house related stuff. I feel like bringing this up on the message board will make things TOO awkward. I don't think the mystery shitter is doing this to be mean. It seems like a medical thing. Unless it's not? I'm at a total loss as to how to communicate with this person. Any ideas?"
  • Maya (38/GF) asks, "Dear Coworkers of Earth, I have a hard one to describe. I am a bisexual woman in an eight month relationship with a butch lesbian (not fat but totally hardcore). We cheat on each other a lot, fight about it, make up, and fuck it out. We were full of piss and tears at the start but now it's looking fetishistic. One day we started doing zombie parties and now we do them every first Friday of the month. Requirements are zombie costumes, sexuality encouraged, and the entrance fee is booze and/or drugs like pot (not heroin). It's like a thing now. We own a cabin outside Portland. People come as zombies and get fucked up and some of us fuck. Feast of Flesh. Errybody loves a zombie party (and drugs and fucking) and maybe you guessed it but it attracts the youngins. We vet people with IDs and shit but now have a dilemma because my clit-brained girlfriend let one slip in. This chick is Asian so how do you even know. We get her ID and she's 22. Got a copy of it. My girlfriend fucks her at the first party. I walk in. I revenge fuck my girlfriend, then fuck the Asian bitch. The Asian got mega fucked up after and spent the night cause we had to hydrate her and let her puke in our bathtub. Just not great with the drugs, that one. All's good until she wants to get back next month and we decide no, shit got too crazy. So my girlfriend emails her a decline and the bitch comes back with that she's underage and we raped her so we have to let her come to the party or she's gonna rat us out. Girlfriend says whatever lezzz do it, I say no cause she's bonkers and how can she say we raped her but then she wants to come back? Asian bitch is stupid, that's what. My girlfriend persuades me tho cause we could get raided anyway, rape or not, so we gotta let her come. So we remind her she didn't get raped and if she comes she's gotta behave. She comes again and obviously does not behave. She tries to FUCK it all. Takes whatever anyone gives her, be it drug, dick, or clit. Don't know where she got Cheerios but shoved em up her pussy and got some guy to eat it out and call it a Zombie Breakfast. Word gets around fast and she gets a line to her pussy for our guests to eat Cheerios out of her friggin vagina. If she wasn't crazy that's colorful and 100% allowed. She just gets bonkers dude. After we tell her she can't pull that she's like tough shit, I'll rat you out then. I think we got to cancel the parties but my girlfriend thinks she'll still rat us out but what's she gonna do if there are no parties? If you got some kinda suggestions I'm all ears."

Special Segment: Nnnnnoooo!

Final Thoughts: Beau's comedy clip

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